Post by Monika on May 11, 2010 21:31:49 GMT -5
...It turns out that "Ketchum" is an actual, legitimate last name. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! IT'S TIME FOR A PREPOSTEROUS SCHEME CONCOCTED BY YOURS TRULY. THIS PLAN WILL MAKE MILLIONS, I SWEAR! THE STEPS ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1: Find this man: Jack Ketchum
2: Rape him. Or marry him and GET SOME. YOU KNOW WHAT SOME IS.
2a: (Optional) Go through an alternate series of steps to become mayor of whatever city you live in and rename it "Pallet Town".
3: Get pregnant and give birth to a CAUCASIAN MALE. Name him ASH.
4) Make sure that you leave Jack Ketchum or he leaves you. This step is important, as the child will not turn out right if he has a loving father all his life.
5) Raise the child to the age of 10, making sure he has constant exposure to cockfighting shows on television and a strange looking clown butler. Take away any traces of the Human Growth Hormone he has in him, ensuring that he essentially stays 10 forever.
6) Force him to leave the house to become a professional cockfighting or dog fighting champion. Tell him that he can't return until he defeats the Animal Fighting League and the champion, his rival Michael Vick.
7) Ash will become famous quickly for his victory (and subsequent jail time) through sites such as THE SITE WHICH SHALL NOT BE NAMED, Encyclopedia Dramatica, Urban Dictionary and various other pop culture Web locations. They will all liken your son to a certain fictional character. Once he becomes famous, sell Ash's life story to a bunch of media outlets, making sure to exploit him for books, movies and games.
8) By this time, Ash should be around 13, but he'll still actually be 10. He'll be very emotionally distressed because of all the attention and the fact that he can't grow. Use this to your advantage by shutting down The Pokemon Company or suing them for WAMBO MONET.
9) If you shut down The Pokemon Company in step 8, you have effectively gotten rid of the only competitor to your new franchise revolving around Ash Ketchum. From there, IT'S STRAIGHT PROFIT.
9b) If you didn't succeed in shutting them down, you should still be able to sue them for ruining your child's life and make STRAIGHT PROFIT.
10) The final and most important step: GIVE ME EXACTLY 53% OF ALL PROFIT.
Alright, women. Now that you know the plan, GOGOGOGOGOGO.
1: Find this man: Jack Ketchum
2: Rape him. Or marry him and GET SOME. YOU KNOW WHAT SOME IS.
2a: (Optional) Go through an alternate series of steps to become mayor of whatever city you live in and rename it "Pallet Town".
3: Get pregnant and give birth to a CAUCASIAN MALE. Name him ASH.
4) Make sure that you leave Jack Ketchum or he leaves you. This step is important, as the child will not turn out right if he has a loving father all his life.
5) Raise the child to the age of 10, making sure he has constant exposure to cockfighting shows on television and a strange looking clown butler. Take away any traces of the Human Growth Hormone he has in him, ensuring that he essentially stays 10 forever.
6) Force him to leave the house to become a professional cockfighting or dog fighting champion. Tell him that he can't return until he defeats the Animal Fighting League and the champion, his rival Michael Vick.
7) Ash will become famous quickly for his victory (and subsequent jail time) through sites such as THE SITE WHICH SHALL NOT BE NAMED, Encyclopedia Dramatica, Urban Dictionary and various other pop culture Web locations. They will all liken your son to a certain fictional character. Once he becomes famous, sell Ash's life story to a bunch of media outlets, making sure to exploit him for books, movies and games.
8) By this time, Ash should be around 13, but he'll still actually be 10. He'll be very emotionally distressed because of all the attention and the fact that he can't grow. Use this to your advantage by shutting down The Pokemon Company or suing them for WAMBO MONET.
9) If you shut down The Pokemon Company in step 8, you have effectively gotten rid of the only competitor to your new franchise revolving around Ash Ketchum. From there, IT'S STRAIGHT PROFIT.
9b) If you didn't succeed in shutting them down, you should still be able to sue them for ruining your child's life and make STRAIGHT PROFIT.
10) The final and most important step: GIVE ME EXACTLY 53% OF ALL PROFIT.
Alright, women. Now that you know the plan, GOGOGOGOGOGO.
