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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 24, 2011 12:05:57 GMT -5
Alright, Evangelion is prime real estate for funny skits. Feel free to add your own. -
SCENE: In Terminal Dogma, Gendo stands inside the Reiquarium, now emptied of LCL. To his right stands Ritsuko, giving orders to the technicians walking around with scrub brushes, cleaning the walls and floor of the Reiquarium. To his left stands Rei II. The Rei clones stand around looking ahead with empty smiles on their faces.
Rei XIV: (Suddenly becomes animate as her facial expression turns from an airhead smile, into a serious expression) Umm...
Rei II: Yes?
Rei XIV: Well... It's just that... you're me. I feel closer to you than anyone else. You're more than just a sister figure to me, you're more like a part of me! You understand me like no one else does. I feel a since of sisterhood with you that can't be equalled!
Rei II: You're not getting my soul.
Rei XIV: (Turns to Gendo)
Gendo: Don't even think about it. Wait your turn.
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Post by Mizagium on Feb 24, 2011 12:51:28 GMT -5
Shinji stares at the white goop in his hand and sighs. Not again.
Asuka storms into the kitchen and asks what he's doing. He turns around and she gets an eyeful of his hand and mess all over it. She calls him a perv and runs out.
Shinji looks at the shattered jar of mayonnaise, then back at his hand. "Maybe that could have gone better."
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Feb 24, 2011 13:00:57 GMT -5
AND THEN AREA ELEVEN WAS TANG
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 24, 2011 13:30:56 GMT -5
SCENE: Shinji is sitting in a confession booth in one of the few Catholic churches in Tokyo-3.
Shinji: Father, I must tell you this!
Priest: Go ahead my son.
Shinji: (Taking a deep breath) This afternoon was going just like any other. I had just got home from school and was wondering where my roommates were, when in through the front door walked Misato, my guardian, Asuka, my other roommate, Rei, my fellow Eva pilot, Ritsuko, the head scientist at NERV, and Maya, her assistant. I asked them why they were all here, and they said that they all had a crush on me because I was so sweet and they all wanted to make love to me! For the next six hours they proceeded to make passionate love to me, sometimes one at a time, sometimes multiple women at once! Whenever one would move another would take her place! I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex again!
Shinji: (Taking yet another deep breath) Finally at the end of it, Ritsuko, Maya, and Rei went home, and Misato and Asuka went to bed. I took a shower and came here.
Priest: Well, my son, I'm glad you came here. Recognizing what you did was wrong is the first step.
Shinji: I don't think what I did was wrong.
Priest: (Sounding puzzled) Then why did you tell me this?
Shinji: I just had sex with five women for six hours, I'm telling everybody!!
SCENE: At that moment the priest leaves. Shinji runs out of the confession booth fist pumping the air.
Shinji: I can't wait to tell dad!
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Post by Mizagium on Feb 24, 2011 14:11:46 GMT -5
Maya Ibuki looked over the job description. She was fresh out of college and looking to put her technical skills to good use. Working as a Nerv Technician seemed the best use of her time: helping to preserve the human race by stopping any more Angels that appeared. Yes. This was what she was born to do. And she'd be working under the famous Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, daughter of the even MORE famous Dr. Naoko Akagi!
She read over the description.
Bridge Bunny Nerv Technician
Summary: Monitoring the various readings and statistics that appear while an Evangelion is in combat. It is your job to make sure everything is running as planned. You must be able to maintain a level head under stress and be able to keep secrets of the utmost importance. Remeber! The fate of humanity depends on you not really
Duties: Your only job is to shout out exactly which system aren't working, no matter what you try, preferably with thinly disguised panic.
Maya stared at the sheet. She could do that.
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 24, 2011 15:17:18 GMT -5
Misato yawned. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Of course, she also wasn't getting much sleep. Good Mother-Nature seemed to connect the two quite well, and therefore, one could be explained by the other. "Are you okay, Major?" the voice of Ritsuko floated over to her across the lounge. The Major nodded. "Just grab me a coffee on the way and I'll live." she turned around. A smile slid across her lips as she saw her friend already bringing an extra mug over. "Thanks." "Why so sleepy?" Ritsuko asked, sitting down across from her. She took off her glasses and started to rub her nose. "Has Kaji been spending his weekends with you again?" "WHAT!?!" Misato spluttered. Ritsuko just grinned. "Of course not!" she frowned. "Actually, I haven't seen him in a while. Normally he at least stops by..." "Then who's the lucky guy?" Ritsuko pressed. "I doubt it's work that's been keeping you up late. We've been slow ever since the cleanup effort was finished." she smirked. It sounded so mundane, but of course, a NERV cleanup effort usually involved several tones of gore and a river of water and industrial strength cleaners. "No, it's not that." Misato finished another big yawn before trying a bit of the coffee. "If THAT was the case, I wouldn't be complaining about it." she smirked. Ritsuko shrugged. "Then...what???" "The Children." Misato grumbled. "I don't know why someone didn't tell me before." "Asuka and Shinji?" Ritsuko blinked. "Why? What are they..." "I mean, far be it for me to ruin a party." Misato yawned. "But they're at it EVERY night!" CLINK! Ritsuko nearly dropped her cup. "Pardon?" "Well, I'm not sure when they started. But it sounds like they've been doing it for a while now." Misato took a long, grateful sip of her coffee as Ritsuko just blinked at her. "I just wish they didn't do it when I was around. Good coffee, by the way." "But..." the scientist gasped. "Don't you want to be there to stop it?" "Why would I stop them?" Misato raised an eyebrow. "I mean, I don't want to spoil their fun or anything." "You don't try to stop them!?!?" Ritsuko blinked. "Do they know you know?" "Of course they do." she shrugged. "Kinda hard for me not to. They're at it all the time." she chuckled. "They even asked if I wanted to join in one time, but I'd be too embarrassed. It's been so long!" Ritsuko turned white...then completely red. "Well, I mean, it's not like they're perfect either, but I'm probably even more out of practice." Misato continued. "They sound really good together...but, well, especially Asuka, every once in a while she'll just let out this screech that just drives me nuts and..." "YOU ARE A PERVERT!!!!!!" Ritsuko yelled, attracting the attention of the dozen or so others sharing the lounge with them. Misato blinked. "Pardon? ?" "YOU! THEM! Just sitting back and...listening to them having...making out across the hall!??!" Ritsuko huffed. "Commander Ikari is goinna KILL YOU when he gets the physical scan results this week!!!!!!" Misato blinked again. Then started laughing. "This is NO laughing matter, Major!" Ritsuko slammed her cup on the table. "They're practicing for a concert." Misato laughed. "A school concert. With music." Everyone looked at Ritsuko. Ritsuko promptly wished to die. "Oh..." "Calm down already!" Misato chuckled. "Well, I gotta thank you for yelling like that. I'm awake now." Completely red, Ritsuko tried to compose herself. "Well...the way it sounded..." she coughed. "So what's this concert thing?"
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 24, 2011 15:18:12 GMT -5
"You're lucky you stopped me when you did." she said with a groan. "I was just about to say they're practicing their fingering tonight."
"Cut that out!"
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 25, 2011 22:39:16 GMT -5
All four Evangelions stood at the ready...their elevator cages retracted and their power supplies linked up and solid.
"Okay, kids." Ritsuko interrupted their musings. "Unit-03 has also been equipped with the test equipment we've put into Unit-01 and 02. Rei will be standing by for backup in case we need to restrain anyone, so play nice, kids."
"What exactly will we be doing?" Asuka asked over the intercom, her red Evangelion taking an anxious step past the other three.
"Very simple." Ritsuko smiled, then motioned to Maya to activate the test. "You're all going to be playing Hop-Scotch."
Shinji, Asuka, Toji and Rei all blinked as they noticed the giant, numbered squares off in the distance. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?" Asuka yelled.
"I'm afraid that's not all, Asuka." Misato sighed, dreading her assignment. "Each Eva has been retrofitted with the H-Type Equipment."
For the first time, all the pilots gasped, and did a system's check. Shinji almost screamed as he realized Unit-01 was wearing a long, school-girl skirt and bow. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
"Y...You've GOT to be kidding!!" Toji gasped.
"Oh, that's right." Ritsuko said with a cough. "To calibrate your new sensors, I'm afraid you'll all have to pair up and play Patty-Cake."
All four Evangelions fell over. The crater was quite impressive.
Gendo Ikari just smiled behind his gloves.
"Did anyone tell you that you are one sick bastard?" Fuyutsuki sighed.
"I warned Yui when we started going out." Gendo shrugged. "I have a school-girl fetish." he turned back to the screen, now zooming up onto a 'panty shot' of Unit-01. "Now who has the last laugh, Yui? Whhaa!!!!"
A large sweat drop slid down Fuyutsuki's hairline.
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 27, 2011 21:32:32 GMT -5
"LET ME PILOT IT!"
A long pause as he caught his breath, desperate for oxygen and life. His body aching to be replaced by the Evangelion, desperate to let the beast's muscles and power be it's own.
Gendo Ikari looked down and saw his son. "Why are you here." He demanded.
"I..." Shinji gasped. "I...I AM THE PILOT OF EVANGELION UNIT ONE!"
Gendo did not smile. The flashing red of the refused dummy plug still reflected off his glasses.
"I AM SHINJI IKARI! Now LET ME PILOT!"
Gendo sighed, then realized he must concede to his son, even if it was just this one time. "Very well. I admit...I need you, Shinji. You must go out there and prove yourself."
Shinji's eyes glittered. "Father??"
"Yes..." he sighed. "I admit, I've been short-sighted...I have failed to see your value and your inner abilities." It was obvious Gendo was telling the truth. There was no way he would allow himself to squirm so much under anyone's eyes...especially his own son's.
"You...you mean this...don't you, Father!" Shinji's eyes were tearing up with joy. "Papa!"
Gendo felt his heart lose itself to the moment, knowing he may never get another chance to say these things...so he continued. "You have always made me proud, Shinji...every time you've gone into Eva, I knew you were worth all this trouble. All the pain. The torture of having to be away from you for so long. A father never forgets how much they love their son."
The elevator activated, letting Gendo descend down to Shinji's level on the walk-way. Shinji watched with glittering eyes and a smile so wide he could have made a believable Pac-Man stand-in.
They ran to each-other and embraced in a warm, fatherly-son hug that was so long overdue. "I love you, my son. I'm so sorry for everything I've done." Gendo wept openly against Shinji's hair. "Your mother would have been so proud too...I know she can see you now."
"Thank you, Father." Shinji whispered, hugging his dad tightly.
A moment passed, and they were interrupted by an explosion somewhere in Headquarters.
"I guess you'd better get going, son." Gendo smiled, taking off his glasses so he could dry his eyes.
"Hai!" Shinji beamed, raising his fist. "I'll make you proud, Father!" he extended his hand expectantly.
Gendo blinked.
Shinji blinked back. "Dad?" he kept holding out his hands.
"What?" Gendo asked, honestly not knowing.
Shinji shrugged. "Well, I need the keys to pilot Unit-01."
Gendo blinked. "But...you took them with you. That's why we couldn't get Rei or the Dummy Plug to work."
Shinji's eyes went wide. "Uh...you mean...I didn't give them to you??" he gasped as he realized they were still in his other pants...in the green backpack he dropped on the way.
Gendo looked down at Shinji, then smacked him upside the head. "Anta baka!?!? I take back everything I said. You're a fucking moron."
Third Impact was very pretty at such close range
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Post by Mizagium on Feb 28, 2011 0:24:08 GMT -5
I like that one.
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 28, 2011 0:30:35 GMT -5
Same here
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 28, 2011 1:19:56 GMT -5
Misato: "I...I still can't believe he's been in there so long."
Ritsuko: "Misato...you knew that this would be a very hard thing for him to recover from. He might be in there much longer."
Misato: "But the Magi have all agreed that Shinji won't be in there much longer, right?"
Ritsuko: "Yes, but even the Magi have been wrong from time to time. Especially involving matters like this. It's just too soon to tell..."
Misato: "I should have never..."
Ritsuko: "You know Shinji...he would have willingly done this, even without your encouragement. And now, because of his own foolish nature, he's been stuck in there for a month now!"
Misato: "I feel horrible...what if the Magi were wrong and he's stuck in that place FOREVER?!?!"
Ritsuko: "Well, he'll either be okay soon...or dead. His soul will be lost to the horrors of..."
Ritsuko: "Your cooking."
Shinji: "Misato-san...forgive me...but I'm never eating your re-fried bean-salad again."
Ritsuko: "Well, at least he didn't get swallowed up by Unit- 01 like last month."
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 28, 2011 1:58:08 GMT -5
Maya slid into the chair slowly, quietly...not wanting to risk being caught in her Sempai's place. It felt so nice...the soft leather melting against her body and back. "Ahhh...Sempai...you have such wonderful taste in furniture too..."
Her thoughts were cut short when her hand felt something by the right arm. She blinked and felt along the material, finding that it had a few small buttons. "What on earth?" she blinked, then, looking around, decided to press the first button.
The back of the chair suddenly fell back, scaring the hell out of Maya, but she laughed as she realized it was just an automatic recliner. "Oh my! This is a nice chair! It's full of surprises." She blushed happily. "Mm...just like my Sempai..."
Her finger wondered to the second button, and she pressed it. Sure enough, the chair sunk down a bit, and a leg-rest extended out from the base, gently picking Maya's feet off the floor and letting her straighten out and relax. "Wow...this is so nice!" Maya yawned happily. "No wonder Sempai spends so much time in her office."
Wondering what the third and final button could possibly be for, she decided to press it. Maya's eyes went wide as the entire chair began to vibrate.
She blushed bright red. "Oh....my...."
-- three minutes later --
Asuka was walking down the hall. Her eyes were low and sullen as they had been for the last two weeks, but she walked with a purpose. She had come to the office area to check up on Ritsuko, and see if she could help out with the recovery of her darling Baka Shinji.
She raised her hand and was about to knock on the door when she heard the low hum of something vibrating.
Asuka shrugged it off and was going to open the door when she heard...
"Oooh! YES! YEESS! SEEEEMMMPPAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!"
Asuka fell over, gasping. "Uhm...maybe I'll just go home tonight..."
She ran.
--- the next morning ---
Dr. Ritsuko hadn't gotten much sleep that night. Gendo had called her up twice and asked if she wanted to "entertain" him. She had refused, knowing it would be another long day at the office anyway. She needed her sleep.
A smile crossed her lips as she thought about her special chair. Maybe she would tell Maya to go get coffee, lock the door, and spend some 'quality time' with that third button. Gendo be dammed. Mankind was at the mercy of it's own technology. That chair could do more for her than Gendo ever could.
As she opened the door to her office, though, she gasped.
Behind her desk...
EMPTY!
A small, wooden stool replaced her wonderful chair. She ran over to it, gasping. "What...Where?!??!" there was a small note on it.
Ritsuko picked it up and opened the neatly folded letter. A shaky hand had written it, but she recognized the writing as Maya's. "What on earth!?!?"
Dear Sempai,
If you are reading this, you no doubt notice that I have left. Forgive me for taking your special piece of furniture with me, but I have discovered that an inanimate object could give me more love and pleasure than you ever could. We're running away together, and will probably be getting married in the Bahamas by this afternoon.
-Your former admirer, Maya. P.S.) Thanks for nothing, you frigid bitch. Ha ha ha ha!
P.P.S.) "Chair-y" sends his regards.
Ritsuko gasped, looking up at the heavens. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
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Post by Mizagium on Feb 28, 2011 21:01:46 GMT -5
and you say I'm good at comedy.
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 28, 2011 21:04:46 GMT -5
:3 I have my moments
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Mar 1, 2011 21:02:51 GMT -5
Gendo stood silently before Rei. The naked girl looked puny before the vast might of Lilith, but Gendo knew she was the key to all his plans. And like any good doll, she would follow his instructions. "Now, take me to Yui." He extended his hand for her naked chest, but stopped as Rei's red eyes came up and stared into his own. "I am not your doll." Without warning the clone let out a Xena yell and slammed a karate chop into Gendo's neck. He grunted painfully as he fell to the floor, then grunted again as Rei planted a foot somewhere sensitive. "I am not your doll. I am... an action figure!" Rei went off to show the army her kung-fu fighting action, and Gendo moaned quietly. "If only Yui hadn't rejected the name Barbie..."
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