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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:22:00 GMT -5
I did not make this...but it is still the truth!!!!
Finally, my own reasons why the Covenant army lost to the humans.
PROBLEM ONE: GRUNTS
What kind of advanced alien species makes its main force small midgets that have a helium addiction? In the Covenant language, their name really means
“One who is tea bagged when standing in line” but your Halo booklet won’t tell you that. Oh no, they call them “Cannon Fodder”. They’re not that smart either. Compare a human soldier telling his commander where food is.
Marine #1: Sir, there is a stash of MRE packets at LEV-902B
Compared to a grunt…
Grunt: When hungry, eat jackal!
Let’s go over some more scenarios:
A marine has a plasma grenade thrown on him
Marine #1: AHHH DIE SCUM!!!!
He jumps towards the nearest covenant formation and explodes
Now...sigh a grunt
Grunt #1: WAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
He jumps onto a brute’s leg and begins to hump it.
The Brute yells, and bashes him over the head with a gravity hammer several times before the grunt explodes.
Then there’s the planning:
Marine #2: Sir, I have our supplies.
Compare:
Elite: You foolish teabag monkey! How could you possibly replace our entire supply of plasma grenades with Twix™ bars?!??!!?
Grunt #2: I WAS UNDER PRESSURE! The demon was looking at me funny…
Elite: THAT WAS A TREE! Besides, why did you replace the Sanghelli jetpacks with human canned beverages?!?
Grunt #2: Red Bull gives you wings!
To make things shorter, here’s a list of foolish activities that happened to a Covenant base when a grunt was ordered to “Get a pistol.”
Exploding Candy Canes
Pancake Mix in Plasma Rifle
Rabid Unicorn Attack
Loss of Troops by enraged Winnie the Pooh
Hijacking of Santa’s sleigh
Assaulted by rabid Teletubbies
Pyro Chewbacca
Wraiths destroyed by entire gang of “Fat Albert”.
Monkey Sumo Diaper Whipped Cream Fergalicious Chewbacca
(Censored for your own good, trust me)
Barfight between Elmo and Flavor Flav
This is only a small taste of Grunt stupidity. Forerunners expected Halo to be activated by grunts. That’s why it has a big red button.
Stay tuned for our next Chapter (maybe): Jackals: Why you shouldn’t smoke weed.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:22:42 GMT -5
PROBLEM 2: JACKALS
Do you remember the first time you saw a jackal? The first thoughts you had when you looked upon its face. I remember mine exactly:
Why the hell is that ugly lemur holding a gun?
The Covenant tried to use jackals for various reasons, let me quote some Halo sources.
When inducted into the Covenant, the Kig-Yar (Jackals) were intended to replace the Grunts as the Covenant's foot soldiers but the temperament of the Jackals made such a change impractical.
TEMPERAMENT? If that’s what it means to be growling, and hissing and crap when I go up to one. Like In Halo 2 cut scenes, what kind of soldier tries to gnaw through a steel bar? Or as you’ve probably seen when playing Halo, its arm?
They are also deployed as police forces on occupied worlds. The reason for this duty was unclear - it is not known if the Covenant feel that Grunts could not be trusted with such roles or if the predatory nature of the Jackals allowed them a greater ability to police planets.
Hmm a Jackal Police Officer…
Speeder: Hi officer! I’m sorry I was speeding to fast! I was late for a corporate business meeting when this guy in Wraith cut me off so I had to go down route KIGRANYKKS’MALA (Covenant for ‘Bed Wetting Seagulls) and that’s why I went three miles past speed limit! I’ll accept the ticket.
Jackal: WAEFNGOIAWNJAFOEFJWFJQJ!!!!!!
(The Jackal then slits his throat with a spoon and eats his head)
Why couldn’t the three chair jockeys see this coming?
The ranking authorities in Covenant society have been known to feed prisoners to Jackals
OMFG. FEED THEM TO THE JACKALS? FEED? So, the Covenant in their eternal wisdom made this decision.
Regret: Hmm…What do we do with the Jackals?
Truth: Grunts already have the toilet cleaning job.
Mercy: How about a cushion?
Regret: We gave that to the Brutes, remember?
Mercy: Tartarus is so cuddly…
Truth: I KNOW! Since they’re so angry and homicidal. Let’s give them highly dangerous plasma weapons. Including a really big shield they can gnaw on!
So it was done thanks to the prophet of Truth. Truthfully, that’s a load of crap. The humans had snipers that could go through FIFTEEN FEET OF FLESH. Jackals had carbines but when you get too close they will bash you with a shield and gnaw on your boots, or if your really unlucky. Urinate on you. Unfortunately, Jackal urine is acidic. That’s why they are constantly constipated and angry. You see, all Covenant are ‘potty trained’.
Regret: Grunt, don’t pee on Carpet.
Grunt: I’ll never do that again, I hope he doesn’t sit in the other chair…
With a Jackal…
Prophet: Don’t pee on the carpet.
Jackal: I’ll never pee. EVER!
This rarely works because Jackals usually just eat the trainers head.
Tune into our Next Chapter (maybe): Hunters: Yes they have parking lots
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:23:09 GMT -5
Problem Three: Hunters Do you remember the first time you saw a hunter? Your thoughts? I remember mine... “HOLY #$!!!!” Though you may find it difficult to find faults in the Hunters, its easy. I found out for you. A little known fact is that Hunters are manufactured by Toyota. The Covenant use Toyota for many of their machines including vehicles, Hunters, methane tanks, elevators, thrusters, and Nintendo Wiis. They are also utilized for the prophets thrones (See Adventures of Uncle Ted, Chapter 3). Let’s review some “facts” about Hunters. Hunters are the most populous member of the Covenant, nearing two trillion in number. This is because each Hunter entity is actually a conglomerate colony of sentinet orange symbiotic eels, held together by their armor. Seriously wtf. An eel? A bunch of fricking EELS?!?!??!!? I find it hard to believe that several thousand eels to figure out how to work fuel rod cannons, or for that matter, move. Toyota obviously has a few problems if they need fricking intelligent fish to operate their machinery. They always work in a pair with their mate. . I don’t even want to know how that works out… They are believed to have their own religion; it is noted in Halo: Ghosts of Onyx that some Hunters even recite poetry and meditate in their spare time. Great. It’s a big hippy, Buddhist, eel…thing with cannons for arms. I have no idea how the eels were required in galatic evolution. Why don’t the Covenant use fricking Pikmin for gods sake… Hunters usually show nothing but opprobrium towards the lesser Covenant races (even purposefully killing them if they become an obstruction during battles) and rarely communicate with any other race apart from the Elites. Good idea Covenant! Let’s put several grunts near a twelve foot tall menace that constantly uses grunts to practice billiards. For that matter, these eels seem to have some kind of grudge against midgets. I’ve seen Hunters kill more grunts than people. In one incident, I saw an angry Hunter pick up a grunt and lodge it inside the engine compartment of a Wraith. This is not a smart thing to do, as Grunts are valuable ammunition to the Covenant war machine. Not too valuable. An example of how the species will interact during the takeover of a planet. GLASSSING CEREMONY ELITES- Participate by launching the first wave of ammunition. GRUNTS- Participate as BEING launched with the first wave of ammunition. JACKALS- Eat the survivor’s heads. HUNTERS- Recite a poem about walrus dung at ceremony. DRONES- Spam. (Discussed in later chapter) BRUTES- Scream and bang head against wall. (Discussed in later chapter) ENGINEERS- Wonder why they don’t exist. PROPHETS- Tell jokes and watch NASCAR during glassing. Sorry! Getting off track…back to the hunters! It seems that having a Hippy Buddhist short-tempered eel giant for an assault trooper isn’t the best idea. Though they sometimes kill humans, very well actually. Though they usually spend their time watching Yu-Gi-Oh and trading Pokemon cards. In fact, Pokemon cards is Covenant money. The Prophet of Truth purchased Delta Halo from Gravemind for only a holographic Charizard and a limited edition Pikachu. Obviously, the Hunters need some serious conditioning. For one thing, I would’nt put them in pairs, I’d put them in large groups of twenty. This pair of hunters thing just doesn’t work out. One gets killed, other goes crazy and crushes jackal, burns elite, flushes grunt down toilet, etc. If there were TWENTY, they wouldn't care. In fact, none would die. They’d just stand in a big fricking line and fire away. Of course, it is bred in the eels a genetic code that makes them afraid of escalators. Nobody knows why. Of course, that’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Tune in to our next Chapter (maybe): Drones: MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! AND REVIEW FOR MY SOULS SAKE!
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:23:28 GMT -5
PROBLEM FOUR: DRONES
Like I’ve asked in previous chapters, do you remember your first thoughts when you saw drones? (They’re always in fricking packs) I remember mine.
WTF ARE THOSE MOSQUITOS ARMED?!?
Drones are very numerous and appear in several thousand numbers and, and are the only Covenant with privates because, like my good friend HappySmilesVarietyHour stated, almost all Covenant have no privates. FYI none of the Covenant (except drones) do; in fact, here are origins of all Covenant.
GRUNTS- Are kidnapped leprechaun crack babies.
JACKALS- Are found.
HUNTERS- Manufactured by Toyota.
DRONES- You’ll find out in this chapter XD
BRUTES- Raised from birth in the Chuck E. Cheese restroom.
ENGINEERS- Created by fat sweaty men at Bungie, but are always forgotten.
PROPHETS- It’s so bizarre; I’ll explain it in future chapter.
Anyways, let’s look at the “official facts”.
Because of their mobility, they can sometimes be difficult to kill, often flying in large groups and attacking from multiple angles with their plasma pistols or Needlers.
Mobility is a fricking understatement. I remember when I first encountered them on Legendary.
Chief: Haha I’m owning these leprechaun’s asses.
(The large elevator begins to go down and several thousand drones fly out)
Chief: WTF? The Flood?
(The drones all fire needlers at the same time, creating a giant wall)
Chief: OMFG!!!!!!!!!
(I die and they all gather around me, eat my corpse, and lay eggs in my skull)
Drones are suited for aerial combat, and like most of the Covenant races breathe the same atmosphere as humans; however, Drones apparently do not require air and can withstand the vacuum of space, since they can maintain Covenant warships in space.
How can they breathe air and not breathe at the same time? I’ll tell you how. Drones have a small gland in their lower abdomen that they can store air in. This gland is called the Anus-Klegchen-cacafuego. This is Covenant for “exploding poop sack”. After Drones have been in space, they release the remainder of stored gases in a very loud noise that is almost identical to human flatulence (farts), unfortunately, when these gases interact with grunt methane, they can cause spectacular explosions. This being said, hundreds of grunts have lost their lives in these “exploding farts”. Therefore, these farts can be mistaken for , a team of elites was dispatched on the Truth and Reconciliation to investigate an explosion. They found drone remains, several dead grunts, and one grunt running around on fire screaming “WHAT THE ! BUG FART AND HOUSE BLOW UP!”
In another, incident, a drone had a Anus-Klegchen-cacafuego release gses when near a brute chieftan. The result of this was that the Prophets pitied him, and promoted him and he became bald. This is how Tartarus rose to power. Understand now? I thought not.
They are also used as technicians; in Halo 3, a Brute Chieftain orders them to scour human computer systems for military intelligence.
Great, use the bug with the exploding anus to run the computers. I wouldn’t be surprised if a Drone is reviewing a story right now as we speak. Of course, Drones do use human computers and will constantly spam computers as they do people in the real world. They will usually log on to Yahoo IM or AOL with a really annoying names (Bacon Bits, Cheese Scratcher, JASON75910), gather in a room, and then spam in constantly. Sometimes for days, when one gets kicked about twenty more take its place. This angers Master Chief, who communicates using Yahoo IM (Screenname: Pimpdaddy117). To make it more annoying grunts will only spam one of three words.
SPAM
POOP
CHICKEN
This seems to have some relation to their religion. They seem to worship two insect deities called Berry B. Benson and Buzz the Honeybee. Drones also view Honey Nut Cheerios as sacred.
The Drones, like the Grunts, are a conquered race that was forced into service by the Covenant. They view the Prophets as their "queens", a remnant of their former hive lifestyle.
So…these things are fricking bees. Big bees. Big bees with guns, exploding anuses, and desktop computers. Unfortuantely, this is annyonig to the prophet. For whenver he appears in public approximately 500 million drones will attempt to mate with him at the same time. Mainly because drones used to come from a queen, where they come from now is a mystery. Unfortuantely for the prophets, this can be troublesome. There was a fourth prophet named Integrity, and a drone got its, ehem, Oscar Meyer lodged in his chairs gravity thruster, and they exploded. Showering the grunts with remains. Of course, the grunts then argued and fought over the remains of the prophets chair, and an Elite took the cupholder and this all started the Grunt Rebellion. So, what have we learned?
Drones are big bess, who live in hives and make honey when they’re not spamming on AOL and they like to shoto at all moving objects. And they have exploding anuses.
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: BRUTES: DAMN THAT SMELLS BAD
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:24:24 GMT -5
PROBLEM FIVE: BRUTES
Remember your thoughts when you first saw a Brute?
WTF? Chewbacca?
Yes, a moment many of you have been waiting for, the Brutes. In my opinion, are the absolute hands down most screwed up force of the Covenant. They were so stupid; they didn¡¯t even realize they were part of the Covenant until Halo 2. Then they forgot their colored uniforms until Halo 3. I don¡¯t even need to go over official facts just yet.
As I mentioned in a previous chapter, Brutes are raised in the Chuck E. Cheese bathrooms. This is because this teaches them all they need to know about fighting humans. They learn most of this in wack-a-mole (it was originally wack-a-crab but the new laws of 2359 change that). It teaches the Brutes all knowledge they need. Hold a big hammer and wack small annoying objects. Employees at the restaurant were slightly frusturated when they smash through the machine with a Gravity Hammer. Then, if they had a bad day, they would throw spike grenades at the Chuck E. Cheese gang animatronics, and sometimes eat them.
Unfortunately, most of the Grunts were harmed by this training. As several Brutes (actually all) will occasionally lash their Gravity Hammer in every direction sending Grunts flying. One Brute tried to befriend a Grunt, but it did not work out very well¡¦
Brute: WEE HEE! I will call you George! I will love you, and pet you, and feed you¡¦
Grunt: (struggling to talk through being squeezed) I¡¦WILL¡¦..KILL¡¦YOU!!!
(The Brute then hugs the Grunt and his entrails fly out his rear into a pile on the ground)
(The Brute takes no notice)
Brutes are, as most of you said, very dumb apes. So dumb in fact, they are easily distracted by objects such as light bulbs, lava lamps, and plasma grenades. In fact, Tartarus brought a force of over 200 million Brutes to Earth, and when they all unloaded in a massive force. They forgot what they had come for and went home to eat Cookie dough and watch SpongeTron (Spongebob¡¯s replacement).
Brutes in general are fat and ugly. Also, they can become bald as a result of the Drones cacafuego gland. This is in the case of Tartarus, who was the most retarded of all the Brutes. He was presented with his ¡°proof¡± in Halo 2, but didn¡¯t see the truth. Naturally, I would¡¯ve found a crueler way to dispose of him. Arbiter, these are what you should¡¯ve done:
Tell him that a Plasma Sword is a strawberry ice cream cone.
Set Fire to his head and wait for him to say, ¡°What¡¯s cooking?¡±
Force him to ride a Brute Chopper with a care bear pulling-HOLD UP
BRUTE CHOPPER- Created by Brutes, who are usually too retarded to use them, usually, they mistake the cannons for blenders. I had no idea Brutes even had intelligence until Halo 3. I originally thought they were Wookie like, and lived on some remote forested planet. You can usually find one gnawing on the control panel of the Chopper. Idiots. The Brute Chopper isn¡¯t very safe. Mainly because, the Choppers fly have some¡¦technical flaws.
Brute: WAGGGHHH!!!!!
(He crashes his vehicle into a newsstand, Shopping Mall, McDonalds, and hello Kitty Store)
Grunt: BRAKE!!! YOU¡¯LL HIT THE TREE!!!!
Brute: TREES ARE MY BRAKES!!!!
Now for official facts.
They are covered in a thick, shaggy fur that may offer further protection. It covers most of the body except for the head and the shoulder blades. Brutes exhibit two colorations: brown and grey. This is perhaps an indication of age, since lower ranking Brutes are brown and Honor Guard Brutes and Tartarus himself are grey.
HAHAHA No. This fur is FLAMMABLE. Trust me, very flammable. You see, Brutes usually have to fight Ewoks in Chuck E. Cheeses (Ewoks are the teddy bear creatures from Star Wars, of course you¡¯ve seen Star Wars if you play Halo). You see, these Ewoks have to known to throw Napalm and Molotov cocktails at Brutes and this turns their fur grey. We all know what happened to Tartarus.
When it comes to ranged conflict Brutes show a tendency to use large, rapid firing, often powerful weapons. This may be indicative of their mentality and an extension of their brutal nature.
No, this is because they¡¯re retarded. The Prophets made them a grenade launcher that fires like, fifty grenades at once and Brutes still manage to miss. Sometimes, they use Brute launchers to play mini-golf (I don¡¯t know either) and this is why Grunts don¡¯t like going in Holes.
Brutes are by no means as stupid as they appear, and are often cunning tacticians. As such they can pilot vehicles, ships and command both land based and fleet encounters with strategic competence, if lacking in artistic flair.
Of course! No human engineers would possibly think of making a large, bulky vehicle that uses trees for brakes and sounds like a dying Elephant Seal. Obviously, the artistic flair is that of a two year old. Since Brutes are the only species that manages to destroy their vehicle completely by walking by it. Also, if they think humans are so stupid and pathetic, why did they make copies of our shotguns and Warthogs?
I also found this neat fact about Brutes.
The word "Jiralhanae" (Áö¶öÇϳ×) is a Korean swear word meaning something in the league of a "stupid aggressive lunatic"
Ain¡¯t that the truth?
In general, there¡¯s not much you can find good in Brutes. They have been tried to be calmed down by a variety of sources including: stimulants, pills, injections, Oprah Winfrey, and Jerry Springer. In fact, the last is why Brutes hate Elites.
Jerry: So¡¦tell me what the problem is.
Tartarus: (sobbing) He made fun of me. Im not stupid! IM NOT STUPID! IM VERY SPECIAL!!! THAT¡¯S WGHAT TEACHUR SAID!!! THASTS WHAT TEACHUR SAID¡¦
Arbiter: He is obviously mentally slow. He can¡¯t even spell teacher right or insert apostrophes when he talks.
Jerry: When did this all start?
Arbiter: Well¡¦the foolish ape had originally said that he would make me and my Sanghelli brethren Toaster Strudels.
Jerry: What happened?
Arbiter: (painfully). He blew up Beta Halo.
Tartarus: (leaps out of chair) IM SICK OF YOU!!! STUPID SUSHI FACE!!!!
Arbiter: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME BABY KONG?!?!?!?!
Tartarus: (dancing) SUSHI FACE!!! SUSHI FACE! HEHEHEHEHE!!!!
Arbiter: (pulls a large salmon out of his pocket and begins beating Tartarus) BURN HERETIC!!!!
(A Large brawl ensues, with several security guards pulling them apart.
Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
All the while, Spartan 117 witnessed all this, his only comment was,
¡°Jerry Springer is Dr. Phil for white trash. And Covenant.¡±
This phrase is still used today. Well, in the future today. Kind of¡¦
What have we learned? The Seven Rules of Brute safety.
ONE: ALWAYS CARRY M&Ms OR ANOTHER SUGARY TREAT.
TWO: NEVER, EVER, MENTION CHEWBACCA.
THREE: ALWAYS CARRY A PHOTOGRAPH OF ELMO.
FOUR: REMEMBER THEIR HARD UPBRINGING. NEVER ASK FOR TOKENS OR TICKETS.
FIVE: TOASTER STRUDELS EQUAL BAD. POP TARTS EQUAL GOOD.
SIX: ALL ELITES SUCK. SAY THAT CONSTANTLY
SEVEN (and most important): FOR GODS SAKE NO FERRETS.
That¡¯s everything I suppose. I supposed I did skip over their dental plan and such. You can tell that¡¯s not backed well.
TUNE INTO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: ELITES: THE LEAST SCREWED UP
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:24:46 GMT -5
PROBLEM SIX: ELITES
Truthfully, elites are not all that messed up. They’re physically and biologically superior to humans in every way (except the missing finger, but, even then they have two thumbs per hand). You see it’s not the Elites that have problems with the Covenant. It’s the Covenant that has problems with them!
You see, unfortunately for our tall sushi faced friends, they are usually the target of practical jokes. Sometimes, very annoying ones usually by Grunts.
Grunt: (walks about to Elite snickering) Hi….
Elite: Why are you painted yellow?
Grunt: (snickering) Hi…..SQUIDWARD!!!!!
Elite: WHY YOU UNNGOY SLIME!!!! FIRST YOU ALLY WITH THE BRUTES AND NOW THIS?!?!?!
(A Brute pained pink with a cone on his head runs by in the background laughing)
Elite: GRRRRRRRR… (grabs a drone, shoves a burrito down its throat, and throws it at Grunt)
Grunt: AHHHHHHH!!!
(boom)
Poor squids. Even the freaking prophets play tricks on the Arbiter himself.
Arbiter: (bowing) I will do what you will…
Mercy: (suppressing laughter) Here Arbiter. Use this device to talk to a…a…Forerunner.
Arbiter: Can it be?!?!? I MAY FINALLY SPEAK TO A GOD?!?!
(yanks device out of hand)
Arbiter: GIVE ME YOUR WISDOM!!!!!
Michael Jackson: Zed? Zed? I can be Agent M. Zed?
Arbiter: WHAT THE-?
Once again…Poor squid things. Now for official facts.
They have a quadruple-hinged jaw, with an upper jaw and four mandibles lined with sharp, pointed teeth; because of this unique mouth, the human Marines in Halo give them nicknames like "split-lip", "split-chin", or "squidhead".
Took them long enough! Though I could’ve though up much better names and insults!
Some examples of insulting names for Covenant (I made up some, actually MOST):
Grunts:
Walking Turd
Fricking Shroom
Leprechaun
Schmoradorf (my own word) Shh-morf (morph)- uh-dorf) Meaning: Midget
Toad
Fart Breather
Toast Envier
Lawn Gnomes
Jackals:
Dingo
Chihuahua
Rolf
Chitters
Buttons
Drones:
Bugger
Fly
Chair Humper
They (Like I said, ALWAYS plural)
Flame Farts
Toot Toots
Inferno Ass
Brutes:
Baby Kong
Dunstan
George
Chucky (NEVER ACTUALLY SAY)
Hairy
Filthy
Smelly
Fur Nipple
Elites:
Splitlip
Squidward
Sushi face
Nodeck (say five times faster)
Rainbow Ass (it doesn’t apply but its funny)
Douchebag
Prophets:
Chair Jockey
World of Warcraft Noob (explain in next chapter)
Hax0r
Froob
Old Bag
Fricking yoda
Trout Player
Chair Humper (also applicable to Drones)
Please remember to shout these at passing Covenant. Also, I take NO responsibility whatsoever for whatever may happen because of YOUR stupidity. Of course, there are all sorts of things you could say, but their crying because of brutal insults and the “Challenge of the Forerunners” (if you follow my other stories, you’ll understand this soon) isn’t their main problem.
Elites are known to be very religious, and fight off the hierarch’s enemies with great zeal.
BOOM! That was a huge problem. Why you ask? An Elite has to say a freaking 20-minute long prayer before he takes a crap. In fact, Elites have a schedule for praying to forerunners.
Prayer Moments
Before taking a crap
Before Meals
During Meals
Before passing the potatoes
After passing the potatoes
After the meal
During Dessert
Before taking an even bigger crap than before
During Weapons Training
Whenever Spongebob (or SpongTron) blows a bubble.
Whenever the Dolphins can’t make a play.
During intercourse.
After realizing they really can’t have intercourse.
(They might have ways I don’t wanna know)
After realizing Lord Mandalore doesn’t want to know something
(they all just prayed now)
During a Rosie O’Donnel Rant (We should all say a prayer)
And finally, during Wenis Ball.
Why is this you ask? “Because they worship the Forerunner Mandalore…” NO! Not all of them worship Forerunners, well, actual Forerunners. Let me explain.
ORIGIN OF THE HALOS
If you’ve ever seen “The Little Toaster Goes to Mars” you must understand a large portion was changed in the animation. You see, the toaster never came back; he and his friends were caught in an ion storm and sent thousands of years into the past on planet Sanghelios. There, the Sanghelli worshipped them as gods. In return, the toaster gave them access to plasma weaponry technology and eventually, faster than light space travel.
All was going nice for the metal little dictator, until the Great Plunging releasing the flood (explained in Chapter Eight: WTF Resident Evil?).
This caused the toaster and his minions whom he called sentimentals, (because he valued them so, but somehow humans translated it as sentinels. Go figure) to try and fight the Flood. This didn’t work right, and the toaster began construction of a giant orbital toaster that would shoot flaming Pop-Tarts of death the size of Jupiter at Flood infested planets. He code named this project H.A.P.L.O. (Huge Ass Pastry Lobbing Orbitacannon).
Unfortunately, he was never finished constructing it, so decided to build a giant microwave instead called HAPLO 2. He was never satisfied with the food trays though, as they all had a large hole in the middle and were covered in fungus. He discarded seven of these before he finally made his Microwave o Doom. He then turned it on, vaporizing himself and the Flood, though Sanghelios was protected by some sort of Pillsbury Shield. Meanwhile, the seven unfinished rings floated through earth, and when the Covenant was formed and would find them later and simply called it Halo because a smudge of dirt covered the P.
So, in this new light, billions of beings across the universe worship a mentally unstable toaster.
So I know what you’re thinking. What exactly do the fricking rings do? Well, they still have a large amount of microwave radiation in them, and this power was harnessed by a now extinct race of super-intelligent gerbils, whose leader was called Four-Paw, and his people Fourpawers. They did manage to turn these into weapons, they would simply create a giant sunflower seed that would be constructed out of the ring itself, then the seed would fly into a star and a giant fricking sunflower would take up all the space in the universe. In the meantime, it was a giant hamster wheel and when the ancient Prophets saw them, they saw these hairy beasts running using only their fore paws, and called them Forerunners.
Of course, I’m getting angry calls from Sanghelli right now calling me “heretic” and “Demon”. Guess what? LIVE WITH IT!
Moving on!
Why do Elites hate Brutes and vice versa? This contributed to downfall of the Covenant. Yes, we know about the Toaster Strudel…AND THAT’S EXACTLY IT!
On a genetic level, Elites know Pop-Tarts are better. For some reason, Brutes like strudels more which to the Elites genetic code, symbolizes a threat against a now dead toaster dictator.
That and Brutes smell bad.
I mean really bad.
Like, seriously freaking bad.
Like, a 2,000 year old outhouse that was lit on fire and then dumped on the New Jersey turnpike and extinguished with hot dogs.
Even worse, spray air freshener and it smells like someone crapped in a pine tree.
Anyways, in conclusion. Elites have great weapons, skills, and intelligence. Even though they are prayed upon and worship toasters.
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER! THE ONE YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
PROPHETS: THE BIG ENCHILADA OF THE COVENANT TACO BELL
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:25:06 GMT -5
Problem Seven: Prophets Now, to complete the idiocy of the Covenant force, we now face the head honchos, the big enchiladas, the Donald Trump. AKA-The Prophets Now, not only are these three chair humping Yodas corrupt liars, they’re also complete idiots. Well not stupid parse, more like incompetent. Let’s go back to the first Human/Covenant interaction. You see, the Covenant had become a strong race that had somehow (mostly Elite leadership) wiped out and enslaved other races. As their space-faring empire expanded, the three Prophets set their sights on the humans. How did the Prophets know about humans before the others? Three words: World of Warcraft. That’s right! I myself do not play, nor do I plan on playing, World of Warcraft. You see, not only do you have to pay the monthly fees; you must eventually sell them your SOUL. Err-social life, but enough about that. To explain it, World of Warcraft crates an online time displacement paradox, which in short means you can play with people who haven’t been born, or have been dead. That’s right! You just might be able to kill the prophets if you play! Still, nobody really knows how the Covenant got a hold of it. Most people (myself included) believe that they sent several Jackals into a Wal-Mart at around 3:00am where they would blend in with the locals. They then bought some games, and ate the clerk’s head. The Prophets are OBSSESED with World of Warcraft, how obsessed? I’ll show you. Prophet Status Before Covenant Invasion Mercy- (XxLegolasxX) Level 60 Troll Warlock Truth- (HaMePwnYou) Level 60 Gnome Assassin Regret- (KyleEmo) Level 59 Undead Warrior (He regrets not leveling up) The three prophets spent nearly all of their time sitting in their gaming chairs playing World of Warcraft, more obsessed with it than Cartman could dream. They would never leave for anything, until their feet eventually became mush. As they played, they kept getting pwned by these filthy human teenagers, and so the three geezers got more and more angry. Especially when one human (Leeroy Jenkins) shouted very loudly at them over an intercom and one of the prophets became so frightened his nuts now hang off his chin. This severe addiction caused some serious problems in the Covenant. Elite Commander: My lords! The Unggoy have rebelled! Prophets: (tapping at keyboard) Uh-huh… Elite Commander: My lords! They’ve set fire to the Taco Bell! Prophets: (tapping at keyboard) Uh-huh… Elite Commander: My lords! They’re launching tacos out the orbital cannons! Prophets: (still tapping away) Uh-huh… Elite Commander: MY LORDS!!!! Truth: (death sound on monitor) Great, I’m in the graveyard! What’s soooo important? Elite Commander: STOP THE UNNGOY MY LORDS! Mercy: Sure…Sure. After I level up. Elite Commander: I beg you to stop them NOW! Regret: Ummmm…. HERETIC! Guards, throw him into the Taco Bell! Elite Commander: THEY BURNED IT! Truth: (battle sounds on computer) Whatever, I’ll get divine inspiration of how to punish you with fast food. (A Divine symbol appears over Truth’s head) Elite Commander: My lords? Is that the divine symbol? Mercy: Kinda. He’s thinking Arbys. Obviously, you can’t blame them. A Prophet’s chair is the ULTIMATE gaming computer. It also had several hotkeys for attack combos, pizza delivery, a TV remote, and a button to burn heretics. In today’s standards, the keyboard on it could not only kick Bill Gate’s ass, it could also files his taxes simultaneously. After the war, many scientists at Microsoft tried to reverse engineer it to become the Xbox 4962, but they failed. They probably failed because the computers ran on power sources not available to humans, mostly burnt heretics. BUT! That does not mean the chairs didn’t have…technical difficulties. Truth: (tapping on keyboard) Sever Artery…Minus 20 damage. Stack twice… (The chair then throws the prophet off onto the ground) Truth: What the??!? (The computer monitor on the chair turns green and it begins to spin around at 360 degrees projectile vomiting green stuff, laughing manically) Truth: GET ME AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST! Today, we see this as foolish. As everyone knows that if Windows Vista gets possessed, it vomits in a variety of colors. That, and even 200 Catholic Priests, 10 Rabbis, and Mohammed can’t possibly control Windows Vista. Even though possessed, the chairs kept the prophets occupied for hundreds of years, which annoyed players. Because the old nerds spent most of the time having conversations with empty threats. HaMePwnYou: Haha! Nooooobs:P HarryLovesMe: Wtf. Stop killing us you fag. Jake: I’m new. LordXTREME: Dude, your waaaaay too good. How old are you? HaMePwnYou: I am over three hundred Earth years. LordXTREME: ……. Jake: How do I walk? HarryLovesMe: Omfg. Pwn you farging nerd. CorbyCannon: HAHAHA! He’s a pedophile! XxLegolasxX: STFU! I’m older than him! LordXTREME: It must be game day at the senior center XD! HarryLovesMe: ROFL HaMePwnYou: YOU WILL BURN UNDER OUR CANNONS WORMS! CorbyCannon: Whatever! I’ll bet he’s a Trekkie too lolz. LordXTREME: ROFL HarryLovesMe: lmao Jake: HOW DO I FREAKING PLAY?!?!?! KyleEmo: Why does it rain on sad days? Eventually, the Prophets learned something miraculous in the 26th century, something players told them for years, but refused to believe. There was an EXPANSION PACK! That’s right! The Burning Crusade Expansion drove the Covenant to attack mankind. That’s why I encourage all of you to dump it and play Halo 3 on Live. Of course, as much as I’d like to blame human’s near-extinction solely on World of Warcraft, I can’t. There are many other reasons too. Mainly because they really didn’t understand humanity all too much. Here are some of the highlights of Covenant misinformation: Walt Disney was a Gundam Warlord in the Roman Empire Michael Jackson is a line of clothing at JC Penny Almost all humans turn on a demon box to worship their god valled Simon Cowell. If the god is displeased with the praises, it banishes them to a door going to Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion The NFL (National #$ your Lasers) is an anti-Covenant organization ruled by a large sweaty man named Al Kanye West is the West side of Kanye, Italy. A Wii is a device to mind control children. (True, but still…) Adolf Hitler is a sugary breakfast cereal with swastika shaped marshmallow bits Austin Powers was the lead singer for Blink 182 UNSC Marines are currently working on using a new type of grenade that releases a creature called a “Pokémon” 50 Cent is a candy bar (And of course) Spartans are demons These misconceptions caused the Prophets to want to: A: See if the humans were really that crazy B: Get some more Online Games And C: See if Earth was flammable So the Covenant gathered their war fleet and sailed towards the human worlds. It was also very intriguing to them personally because they got way better internet connection out there too. It seemed that the Covenant were flying towards a golden age. Even though the jump they made destroyed whatever place they were before. They then made contact with the humans and began aggressive negotiations. By contact, I mean turbo fire and by aggressive negotiations I mean glassing. Now for the “official” intel (Though you all know I’m much more credible). The High Prophets or Hierarchs are the supreme leaders of the theocratic Covenant. Upon assuming office, each Hierarch picks a new regal name from a list of names of former Hierarchs, similar to the practice of Catholic Popes. Heh, so it turns out that these guys pick a new name. Though Catholics are a pretty bad comparison. I’m not Catholic, but I really don’t think the Pope would send a janitor into a pit of eternal flame for failing to pick up a potato chip. During the course of Halo 2, Regret attacks Earth, then retreats. There, he calls for reinforcements, but is killed by the Master Chief. Later, Mercy is attacked by the Flood on High Charity and abandoned by Truth. Sad…Sad deaths of the Prophets. To think that Regret was just about to get level 70 (Yes, they did get the Burning Crusade before they died). It seems these guys names are pretty hypocritical. Mercy- Had people killed and tortured. Regret- Constantly wants to kill humanity, and attack Earth withouht regret. Truth- Lied to the Covenant about everything. Including the cost of Zebra Cakes. Preliminary designs for the Prophets, including the Hierarchs, were done by artist Shi Kai Wang Like anything is going to look good if it’s made by a guy named Wang. According to The Art of Halo, the Prophets were designed to look feeble, yet sinister They are pretty feeble. It’s only the chair that’s dangerous. As we all could see in Halo 3, Truth needs a serious pedicure. Who could imagine one of these guys with atheletes foot? Oh god, I don’t want to know. (OMFG An Elite somehwere just prayed!) Originally, the Prophets appeared to be fused to the special hovering thrones they use for transport; even in the final designs, the Prophets are made to be dependant on their technology. You mean dependant on WoW. Sure, they could sit in a chair all day, doing what? Even more disgusting, sometimes Regret would be “fused” to his chair when no one was looking. The sick bastards…In fact, if it weren’t for those chairs they probably wouldn’t survive. Imagine seeing Truth on Survivor… (Truth is laying face down on a sandy beach, pretending to type with a keyboard made of a wooden plank. With seashells and pebbles for keys) Truth: Must…find…technology. (Truth then crawls towards the ocean, where he is attacked by vicious sea turtles) Truth: AAHHHHHHHH!!!! (He then runs (crawls fast) into the forest, where he is later eaten by Amish people for the Arbor Day Feast) Special headresses, stylized differently for each of the Hierarchs, adds personality to the aliens and a regal presence Just great, so if I wear a turban, I guess that means my personality changes. That because people probably would’nt turst me near Airports or KFC. On a final note, did anyone else notice that Truth sounds like a 90-year old Scottish drunk in Halo 3? Heh. NOW FOR THE EXCLUSIVE BONUS CHAPTER!!! PROBLEM 7.5: ENGINEERS In the halo games, Engineers, for this matter. Do not exist. Not existing does not help the Covenant. It still would’ve helped if they had someone to operate a coffee machine besides the grunts. I mean, who else can launch a nuclear weapon while attempting to add cream? TUNE IN TO THE LAST OF THE RACE CHAPTERS: THE FLOOD: THE GALAXY’S NASTY
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:25:36 GMT -5
(Earlier today)
(A large green Spartan kicks down the door to a production studio, wounding several of Mandalore’s oompa loompa office slaves)
Seamus: (In Irish accent) Is THIS the place?
Lord Mandalore: NO YOU RUST BUCKET! This is Why the COVENANT LOST the War. Why HUMANITY WON the war is two doors down to the left. It’s right next to the production room for “Just One Turnip”. But you’ve kicked down the door, AGAIN! Oompa loompas SEIZE HIM!
Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa, doopety doo
Man Have I got a story for you
If you kick down this guy’s door
We will throw your ass onto the floor
What do you get when you disturb this man?
Bad side effects, when you’re using the-can
I remember, this one time
When that guy was being-a-fag
(dum dum dum dumdum)
He woke up in As-ia…
(bumbumbumbumbumbumbum)
Oompa Loompa…
(Seamus guns an oompa loompa in the face and runs out the door)
Lord Mandalore: Damn workers union will be on my ass now…For those of you who don’t know, Ranger 24 made a follow-up to this guide that I highly recommend as I will be applying parts of it to this guide. Anyways, back to the guide! The last chapter of the Covenant Race
PROBLEM EIGHT: THE FLOOD
Of course, a major flaw in the Covenant war machine, were the Flood. Known to the Forerunners as “Heyy Whada Crappis”, these brainless fools are quite a pain in the Covenant (and everyone else’s) side.
The Covenant and the Flood are mortal enemies, though the covenant were stupid enough to release them in Halo One, though the tag on the door clearly said “Do Not Disturb”. That’s because the nature of the Flood is like a eating a gas station burrito. It always returns for revenge, usually years later.
Though the Covenant and Flood had their differences, they finally agreed on one thing in Halo 3: The only thing grunts are good for is exploding. In all the previous games, you’d be running around killing everything that moves, when you’d suddenly stop. What appears to be a deformed leprechaun is stalking towards you. When you get closer to investigate, it explodes sending little schmorfadorf infectors all over the place. I remember when I was stupid, and the first time I played “The Library” was on Legendary.
Me: (armed with a magnum) Ha! This crap is easy!
(A red dot appears on the radar)
Me: Pffffftttt….
(Seven million more dots appear on the radar)
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!
(Infectors pour out of the vents, doors, and toilets)
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
(The Spartan guns down several infectors before being swarmed by a pile of infectors)
Me: HELP ME YOU FOOL!!!!
Guilty Spark: (humming Mambo #5 floating along)
(A Carrier walks by, and explodes)
What ticks me off the most about this is that 343 had a freaking electrical cannon in Halo 3. But he didn’t help me before…But let’s not get off topic.
Why was this thorn in the Covenant’s side? Because the Flood were better at using grunts and just about everything else in their crazy arsenal. Mainly because they would explode for no apparent reason, or just if the Flood leader was bored. The Covenant copied this tactic in Halo 3 on legendary, where virtually every grunt is a kamikaze armed with plasma grenades. They must’ve learned this knowledge after hacking the short-lived Flood computer. No human has really seen it, or even heard of it until now. That, and only one grunt in history has ever communicated with the Flood’s first computer.
Gravemind: Ask me questions, don’t be absurd.
Or I’ll flush you, like a little turd.
Grunt: Okay, Okay. Let me ask your computer flood thingy some questions…
How many different power rangers are there?
Computer: Seventeen
Grunt: AWESOME! Okay…Okay. If the entire collection of poop I’ve ever pooped was made into a wall 5 feet high and 3 feet wide, how long would it be?
Computer: 3.26 miles
Grunt: COOL!!
Gravemind: You fool! You’re ripping my mind with shears!
Are you stupider than Britney Spears?
Grunt: I have another question! Why is there a 300 version for EVERYTHING?
Computer: Because it’s cool…
Grunt: Wait Wait Wait! If Tupac was shot in 1993, how come he still makes albums?
Computer: He is a zombie. Always was.
Gravemind: …
…
Grunt: Speaking of rappers, why does Gravemind always talk in rhyme?
Computer: Gravemind lacks neural capacity to speak in anything but poetic linguistics.
Gravemind: I actually am a rapper, my name’s Dr. Prune
Just wait till my album, comes out in June
Grunt: Okay last question! Is there a giant Cabbage Patch Kid™ inside Gravemind and if there is, and it’s scented, does that make him fruity?
(The Grunt is crushed by a large vine tentacle thingy)
Computer: Possibly…
(The computer is crushed by a large tentacle thingy)
Gravemind: If my annoyance is taken up a notch
Then the midget gets it, IN THE CROTCH!
After that day, Gravemind became the center of Flood knowledge, and fused with several entities. Including:
Ronald McDonald
Bill Gates
Executives at Blizzard Entertainment
The Prophet of Regret
The Entire Cast of Friends
Cartman
Green Day
Hilary Clinton (though it’s widely believed that she actually absorbed HIM)
Now I probably have you wondering this. Where the Flood come from? What exactly are they? I will now reveal the secret.
The Origin of the Flood
The origin of this nasty species takes place millions of years ago, when all was peaceful in the universe. Where there were no wars, fights, Abercrombie stores, or Honda Dealership radio ads (Actually, there still were Honda ads, these have been broadcasted to Earth from the planet of evil men wearing polyester sports coats since the beginning of time. But there was no way to receive them without radios) So all was peaceful. Then a large being (probably Tartarus) clogged a toilet after having a Mexican Burrito cooked by. He then, wielding his flaming plunger of chaos, unclogged the toilet but forgot to flush. Thus, a small fungus began to grow on the seat. The fungus then crawled to the large microwave being constructed by the hamster gerbil things, and hid in it for warmth. Then when the tray (AKA Delta Halo) was released, the fungus was on it. Thus, the flood was born! This event is universally known as the Great Plunging.
The fungus eventually gained some sort of intelligence, and because it was so fricking creepy (Grave) and basically just a big know it all (Mind) he became known as Gravemind. It then, using its supernatural powers, reached into the future and got a copy of Doom: The Movie. Realizing how bad the acting was, it picked up a copy of resident evil instead (At a Blockbuster in Oklahoma and watched it. Since he thought it was so good, he decided he wanted his own zombies. First, he tried using TV channels like Nickelodeon to convert innocent children of men to his will, but eventually realized no one watched Oswald. He realized he needed another way.
So, using an unholy mixture of evil, hate, beans, Kool-Aid, and human souls, he created…ZOMBIE JUICE. Actually it was called something religious like Tab or something…But that doesn’t matter!
Gravemind’s addiction to horror movies allowed him to steal ideas without copyrighting them, so he was able to create small jellyfish like beings known only as “infectors”. He was pleased with his land squids, but realized they needed a host to remain safe. Grunts were the perfect targets, and were deemed to be “Carriers” of the infectors.
Also, these Flood possessed corpses are way smarter than other zombies. Mainly because most Combat Forms know how to use firearms and vehicles. Though most Covenant weaponry is pretty useless in the first place, it could still be very effective.
They’re also quite skilled in hand to hand combat (the non-exploding ones anyways). Most are increased with super-human (and, er, super-alien) speed and strength. What’s extremely entertaining to watch is a combat form and a jackal attempt to gnaw on each other’s skull. This highly angered the Covenant, as the only creatures they possessed that could gnaw on the skulls of enemies were Jackals and Doberman Gators. They were even angrier when they realized that the gators were left out of all the Halo games, and instead fled to Brazil and formed a church honoring Steve Irwin.
So Gravemind was deemed unquestionable leader. I still find it funny that a race of undead alien parasites are led by a rhyming plant. Though this rhyming plant had some sense of dignity, as he helped Master Chief and the Arbiter (somewhat) in Halo 2 and 3.
How bad does it have to be that an “advanced alien civilization” has no sense of dignity, and a FREAKING ZOMBIE RAPPER PLANT DOES?!?
Now for some “official” facts:
The Flood are depicted as having a complicated lifecycle; small, base forms of Flood infect and mutate hosts into other forms, which ultimately repeat the cycle by spawning the smaller forms. The largest self-contained form that the Flood can produce itself, without using other biomasses, is an "Infection form". As its name suggests, the Infection form homes in on hosts (living or dead), attempting to drive sharp spines into the host and tap into the nervous system. This tap causes the host to be incapacitated, while the Infection form burrows into the host's body and begins the mutation process, bringing the host under Flood on the size or condition of the body, the Infection form mutates the hapless host into various specialized forms in the continual drive for more food.
In other words, little spiders turn people into zombies. Some zombies explode to make more spiders. Then they eat people. Gross.
The Flood are also seen to create forms for tasks other than finding sustenance. In Halo: Combat Evolved, the Flood create "Brain forms"; these spongy creatures, resembling a large bag of flesh with tentacles, can be used to interrogate victims, stripping information from the mind of the host before eventually assimilating the host into itself entirely. In the Halo novel Flood are seen piling dead matter together in order to form a Gravemind this form serves as a central intelligence for the infection, and is first encountered in Halo 2.
Of course, there has to be a brain bug. We all remember poor Keyes which was just SICK. Of course, having all Flood commanders named Gravemind is pretty weird. Does that mean of Russia’s leaders have to be NAMED Kremlin?
In Halo, the Flood appear in three main forms. The largest hosts, namely humans and Covenant Elites are turned by the Infection forms into "Combat forms", which are described as extremely powerful and resilient warriors. Combat forms are able to resist extreme punishment while utilizing either the weapons of their hosts or the long, whip-like tentacles developed during their mutation. If a host is unsuitable for combat it will mutate into a "Carrier form", which transports and spreads more Infection forms. The upper-body of Carrier form swells into a bulbous sac while the legs remain intact. When it moves close enough to a potential host, the Carrier form explodes like a grenade, both releasing its contents and killing anything within range.
Woot! Gun wielding zombies with kamikaze oompa loompas! You’re either killed or turned into one of them! Look’s like these guys had their bases covered. Extremely disgusting, but very efficient. Obviously,“Grenade” is an understatement. Because grenades don’t unleash a flurry of undead squirrels all over the place…
The Flood appear in Halo 3 with new abilities and forms. A new, mutable Flood combat form appears, called the "Pure Form." Depending on the situation, these forms can mutate into even more specialized types. According to Bungie, these creatures are formed when the Flood gain access to large enough stocks of calcium, which it uses to form a framework for biomass collected from other species.
Now they were a joy to fight weren’t they? That proves one thing for everyone (especially kids). Calcium is in milk. So milk makes you big and strong.
OR POSSIBLY INTO A GIANT MUTATABLE BIOMASS!
Now to learn about our favorite plant:
Unlike the mindless 'zombie' nature of most Flood, Gravemind is intelligent and cunning; the Flood intelligence lyrically speaks in iambic pentameter.
Heh. He’s a poetry nerd.
The Gravemind is composed of rotting corpses and biomatter(Didn’t notice THAT), and towers nearly eighty meters high as seen in Halo 2. Gravemind resembles a large Venus Flytrap with many tentacles, but is capable of movement and linguistic communication via its large mouth formed from overlapping fleshy 'leaves'. Though an animal, the Gravemind's somewhat plantlike appearance has drawn comparisons to Audrey II from the 1986 film little shop of horros due to the "swarms of sinuous tentacles" about a central mouth.
That leaves room to improvise…
80’s Store Owner: What a radical day!
(He spies a small plant in a pot)
Store Owner: Groovy a plant!
Gravemind: Put me down, you hippy fool
Or I’ll make you a zombie, one that drools
Store Owner: You can talk to?!?! FAR OUT!
(The store owner leaves for the night and comes back when Gravemind is at full size)
Store Owner: Whoooa coooool!
Gravemind: GRRRRRRRRR
BRRRRRRRRR
(Gravemind then teleports the owner into High Charity, where he is inevitably eaten by Jackals)
(The Jackals later get the munchies)
Driven by a desire to spread, Gravemind is cunning and manipulative; he forges alliances as often as he tries to consume his allies, tricking the Master Chief into aiding him while infecting the Chief's compatriots at the same time.
Duh, who’s really going to trust a cunning and manipulative plant? ZOMBIES DON’T HELP PEOPLE. Neither do plants! So remember kids:
Don’t Eat Vegetables!
Drink Milk!
Don’t smoke Gravemind!
So we now know why the Flood were a problem in the Covenant. It still leaves a lot unexplained. Like the fact that a random drop ship full of Flood gets by Covenant defenses in Halo 2 and crashes in High Charity. Probably because of…technical difficulties.
Grunt: (talking to drunk Elite Commander) We’re out of ammo sir!
Commander: Whatja mean we’re Hic outta ammo. I thought we oozed lasurs…hic.
Grunt: The only thing we have left is human ammo…
Commander: WELL FIRE THE hic FREAKING SANDWHICH CONDIMENTS AND SILVERWEAR hic THEN! And get me some Funions…
Grunt: What are Funions?
Commander: THEN GET ME PRING Hic GLES!
Grunt: But what about the ammo, we don’t have enough condiments?
Comm Hic ander: Fine…we’ll just hic have to launch out cereal boxes and grunt poop then…
(The Commander passes out and lands on the remote ejection seat for the Truth’s chair)
Meanwhile…
Truth: (tapping away) NOW! FINISH THIS! Yo Momma…is so stupid… she thought a quarterback was change! HA! BURN! 10,000 DAMAGE!!!
(Truth is launched out of his chair screaming. He propels across High Charity, going through several walls and stores. He lands in front of Tartarus, who is eating out of a bag marked KFC)
Truth: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
Tartarus: (Mouth full of cheese nips and muskrat skulls) MMPFHF?!?
Truth: YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU DO IT!!!
Tartarus: (gulp) NO! PLEASE MY LORD! KILL ME!! Do not shame me…
Truth: DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE YOU WORM!!!
Of course, this isn’t all that happened that you don’t know about, for one thing Truth had WAY better Yo Momma jokes.. From Halo 2 to Halo 3, it skips about six months. I’m thinking of writing another story to fill in what REALLY happened in that time gap, but that’s another story. Literally.
You see, Gravemind helped Master Chief only under one condition, he’d have to train another Spartan to face a warrior of evil in a game of extreme skill and power. AKA Ping Pong. Surprisingly, Chief used a different kind of Spartan…
(A Spartan warrior holds a ping pong paddle, across from him is a bald man with many piercings. Master Chief and Gravemind watch from the sidelines)
(The Spartan hits the ball, and it bounces completely backwards)
Leonidas: That’s my point.
(The other man, with a nametag reading Xerxes, sneers)
Xerxes: Bull crap! That is against table tennis!
Leonidas: (after a dramatic pause) Table Tennis? THIS…IS…PING PONG!!!
(The warrior dropkicks Xerxes into the pit of death)
So, thanks to the movie 300, the Flood helped save humans and virtually destroyed themselves in the end. Thanks to the “Forerunner and his children”, though I doubt Master Chief is related to gerbils in any way. Boy, I just realized it’d be really creepy having Master Chief for a father.
(A small boy holding an ice cream cone cries in a Warthog while Master Chief is driving over grunts and Jackals)
Boy: That’s not fair! It’s just NOT FAIR!
(The small child throws out his ice cream cone, where it lodges in the engine of a large Wraith. The Wraith explodes and several grunts crawl from the wreckage shaking their fists at him)
Boy:I hate pistachio!
Chief: (holding back anger) Then WHY did you order it?!?
(Chief speeds up the vehicle, and it sends a grunt flying into a hot dog stand)
Boy: WAAAAAAHHHH
Chief: Grrrrr….
(A jackal hits the windshield, and hisses before being shot square in the face by the soldier)
Chief: Let’s get some McDonalds to cheer you up…
(Chief kicks the machine into overdrive, and it smashes into the side of a McDonalds, the Spartan whips out an assault rifle and points it at the cashier)
Chief: A Happy Meal or your life. Your choice.
Let’s try not to go over all the possible scenarios…
Also, for those of you thinking I’m an idiot for saying the Flood had a computer, I’m not. Gravemind kind of hacked Cortana. Sort of. That’s why you kept hearing mysterious, scary garbled messages that sounded frigging scary.
In the end, the flood were very annoying to the Covenant and caused more grunts to explode than pop rocks and cola.
Well, that’s the end of our guide. We’ll now end with a sad drum roll…
Dum…
Dum...
DumDumDum…
Dum…
Dum…
DumDumDum…
Dum…
Dum…
DumDumDum…
FOOLS!
In case you haven’t noticed, this is the last of the RACE chapters. For those of you who hate this story, I’m truly sorry but this is far from over. I’ve decided to challenge Halo: Republic Commando as most read and reviewed Halo story on the internet (Well, at least on this site). We still have to go over Covenant:
Weapons (chap for each and every one)
Vehicles (chap for each and every one)
Military Tactics
Food
Restaurants
Board Games
Multiple Religions
Cities
Possessed Bathrooms
Video Games
Sports
Reality TV Shows
Celebrities
History
Ships
Home Planets
Recruitment Techniques
Movies
Pets (Yes they have pets)
Malfunctions
Music (yikes)
With more to come
You see, I’ve recently discovered MORE reasons why they lost! I plan to have over FORTY chapters, more and more frequently. To quote some General guy: “I have not yet begun to fight” Er, write.
In the meantime, SPREAD THE WORD! Tell your friends! Family! Hell, copy and paste the guide and turn it in for a history report! Who cares if it’s not human history?!?
And of course, your feedback is appreciated.
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: RECRUITMENT TACTICS: AKA Fresh Meat
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:26:03 GMT -5
PROBLEM NINE: RECRUITMENT TACTICS We’re finally getting to the down dirty bulk of why these intergalactic douchebags failed. Having an army of messed up species that share almost nothing in common is bad. Training them in all the wrong ways is even worse. In fact, the Covenant tried to recruit hundreds of other species. Here’s some footage of those unqualified… TRYOUT SPECIES #237 Brute Interviewer: So what exactly do you do? Alien: I poison the minds of humans and break their will! Interviewer: Do you eat their heads? Alien: Nooooo! Alf eats cats! Interviewer: …SECURITY! (A large angry jackal bursts into the room and drags Alf away) TRYOUT SPECIES # 479 Interviewer: Can your species use deadly explosives? Alien:… Interviewer: Can they fight in hand to hand? Alien:… Interviewer: Can they do anything? Alien: E.T….phone home…. Interviewer: You can only communicate! SCREW THAT! (The Brute then laughs hysterically) Interviewer: CAN YOU GUYS DO ANYTHING ELSE?! (ET then flips him off, and the finger begins glowing) Interviewer: Oh now your freaking dead! (The Brute leaps over the table and begins beating ET with the stapler) TRYOUT SPECIES #974 Interviewer: So what alien powers do you have? Alien: Well…I am a good worker senor. Interviewer: Hey! YOU’RE A HUMAN! PREPARE TO DIE! Alien: ¡Tu eres muerto! Interviewer: SECURITY!! (A large jackal bursts into the room snarling) Alien: ¡AYI! ¡¡EL CHUPACABRA!! The Covenant actually did recruit ET for their effort. The only thing he did against humanity was touching the boy’s chest at the end of the movie, which, though looking adorable, was actually his radiation-infested finger giving the boy super-cancer. Eventually, the Covenant found a healthy balance of species to use in their war force. They realized that they wouldn’t have any real luck finding intelligent life after they discovered another world that was different than expected… Elite: What is it? Alien: I’m wishbear! Brute: Can you cook it? Wishbear: Would you like to have a cookie? (The care bear then reaches into its furry pocket) Elite: IT’S GOT A GRENADE!! TAKE IT DOWN! (A terrified grunt begins shouting into his comlink.) Wishbear: WHAT? (The entire Covenant force and care bears are destroyed by orbital fire) So then the tired, beaten, and slightly constipated extra terrestrials then decided to train their warriors to be the very best they could be. Now, I’m sure a lot of you are thinking “OMFG Mandalore, why didn’t the Covenant just use advanced starships and massive weapons to blow up humanity. Wahhh…” Two reasons. They were stupid. Chuck Norris. Yes, you see. Chuck Norris had been the only thing holding the Covenant back for years at a time. It takes many years for our TV transmissions to reach out into the corners of space. So the Covenant would only hear rumors of this supernatural god-being who could defy all universal laws. The Prophet of Truth (of course, ignoring his title) tried to keep it from the masses. Truth: I ASSURE YOU ALL! THERE IS NO CHUCK NORRIS! IT’S JUST A MYTH! Elite Commander: But lord…Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris swims on land! (Murmurs of discontent come from the watching Covenant) Truth: Nonsense! The prophets destroyed the flood with our holy orbital flames! Brute Officer: They say he doesn’t need a watch because he decides what time it is. Truth: THAT’S IT! I’M GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS Elite Commander: NO MY LORD! If you anger him, your reproductive organs will be ripped off of your body and sent into a dimension filled with nothing but dogs that will eat them! Truth: HERESY! (The commander is then launched out a torpedo tube) (The prophet then logs onto the internet, and goes onto Google, he types in “find chuck norris” and clicks “I’m feeling lucky”) Truth: (eyes widening in horror) No…NOOO! IT CAN’T BE!! (The Covenant all look at the screen and scream until their heads explode) You are all welcome to try this and see what he saw, but you probably won’t like it. To wrap it up, the fleet commanders were to uneasy to use WMDs for fear of provoking the wrath of Chuck. So they decided to train their soldiers in a way not so similar to the way we trained ours. Human Officer: Run the obstacle course private! Soldier: Sir yes sir! (The soldier runs through obstacles, dodges large swinging axes, front flips through a ring of fire, and then does fifty pushups on one knuckle) I’m not saying the Covenant were trained so differently… Elite: This course is filled with replicas of humanity’s deadliest weapons. NOW RUN THROUGH IT WHILE I LOOK THROUGH THESE PAPERS! Grunt: Okay sir!! (The grunt runs forward into the obstacle course at full speed, screaming at the top of his lungs. He dodges past a group of tap dancing amish men, and dives under a large shopping cart. He then sprints towards some metal piping to clamber over, when a small Italian man dressed in red coveralls comes out of the pipe and begins hurling fireballs at him.) Mario: Mama Mia! (A fireball hits the grunt) Grunt: AHHH! My ass is on fire! (The Elite looks up for a moment) Grunt: AHHHHHHH!! (The grunt then sprints around in a circle, but is then crushed by a giant cake resembling William Shatner) The high ranking Elites were most displeased with the reports. The only public statement made was: “The Grunts went in completely normal, but when they came back their ass was on fire.” Needless to say, several elites were executed for heresy, or for being homo. Whatever. So the grunts got their training. The Brutes were trained in an easier way, as I explained earlier. Just by simply using a large metal alloy war hammer to pond the shit out of woodchucks or whatever the hell they had at Chuck E. Cheeses. Jackals are simply given coffee. Elite: Are you ready Hev’sinjag? Jackal: FWNﺱﺤﻔ¡JROIJQ#4#()½¥®µSJDFJﺧﺥﺘﻐﺧ€£≤FSFMKG!! (The jackal is then released onto the obstacle course, but instead of running it. It makes a U-Turn and sets fire to several orphanages) (It’s horrifying acts like this that lead to movies like “Howard the Duck” and songs like “Don’t Mess with my Toot Toot”.) The Hunters were already programmed, like all Toyota products, to do what Toyotas do best. INVADE THE HOME OF EVERY HUMAN ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE AT ROCK BOTTOM SALES PRICES! (Actually, this is the goal of all dealerships. They’ve been beaming these messages to the galaxy for thousands of years from the Planet of Evil Men Wearing Polyester Sports Coats, so it was peaceful until humans invented the radio.) I’m not saying the hunters weren’t trained of course. They were trained, and quite brutally at that. Most of them were put on firing ranges, where they would shoot at replicas of cartoon characters and puppets, until the word “Disney” had the same effect to them as “Nazi” has to us. Some of the more brave Hunters were sent to Earth in the 20th century to infiltrate the Disney theme parks dressed up as lovable characters such as Pluto and Donald Duck. There they committed acts of guerilla warfare against mankind, such as locking the porta-potties and derailing Thunder Mountain. NOTE: I am not just saying the people in the costumes are evil extra-terrestrials because one pick-pocketed me when I was 8. I promise. ALSO NOTE: Does anyone else think that Donald Duck is actually cursing in Dutch whenever he talks? I do. They also managed to hijack an entire shipment of Assault Rifles that were supposed to end up in Halo 2. Instead, they were sent into another dimension, the same dimension that has all the left socks and car keys. This dimension is also the home of The Lost Colony of 1748 and Michael Jackson’s real nose. (Once again) NOTE: This is a different dimension than the one with Chuck Norris’ dogs. It may seem surprising that something so large could infiltrate a race so smaller than them. To put it simply they dwelled among humanity for long periods of time, some of them becoming celebrities. In fact, has been-drug abuser-alcoholic-pop idol-psycho bitch Britney Spears is actually a Jackal wearing a lot of eye shadow and lipstick. I fail to see why anyone else hasn’t noticed yet. I mean…damn. The Drones were trained in a simpler fashion. Like bees actually, they were kept inside giant square boxes and hooked into the Matrix, or whatever hell kind of computers they had. Yes, bees. Not the happy smiley bees that look and sound like Jerry Seinfeld. I mean large, six-legged, acid spitting bees that wish to claw your throat out, lay eggs in your stomach. And possibly use their ass as a suicide weapon. So what computer program could imitate the Drone’s buzzing, annoying, behavior that everyone hates? Runescape. I personally have never played Runescape…but I’ve heard about it. From what I’ve heard, just by playing it once you instantly die three years earlier and lose two future girlfriends or boyfriends. (If you met your girlfriend or boyfriend on Runescape, please follow the following procedures.) 1. Print out the rest of this chapter. 2. Throw your computer in the furnace. 3. Throw everything related to Runescape in your furnace. 4. Throw YOURSELF in the furnace to prevent a future outbreak. 5. Repeat if needed. (Reincarnation or whatever) Also, if you ever have an “online boyfriend/girlfriend) who is most likely some liar making up everything about their life, repeat the above steps, only this time use firearms in there somewhere. The Prophets simply use the tutorial on World of Warcraft (or if the game has a manual) to teach them all they needed to know. This obviously failed, in the immortal words of Truth before his death. Truth: WTF? I no wan 2 dai!! (Master Chief then watches as the Arbiter kills him) Master Chief: All yor base ar3 bel0ng to us!!111one lololololololololololololololol Arbiter: What do you speak of demon? Master Chief: SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOISOISOISOISOISOISOI!! Mai ROFLCOPTER pwn his old Pwned his old indeed Master Chief. Pwned his old ass indeed. So, what have we learned? WE LEARNED NOTHING! I already knew! YOU DIDN’T! YOU LEARNED NOT ME! Well you get it. We learned about how they recruited and trained their men. They used simple advertising techniques, such as hanging large billboards from Tartaruses nipples. (Don’t visualize this, your eyeballs will burst into flames and crawl out of your eye sockets) The lesson here is: Don’t mess with Chuck Norris! TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: THE FLEET: The fleet runs on Dunkin!
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:26:35 GMT -5
PROBLEM TEN: THE FLEET
Now, the Covenant had some extremely advanced technology for a space-faring race. Sadly, having the intelligence of shovels, they failed to use it properly. In fact, the Prophets first tried to attack Earth through World of Warcraft. Luckily, the UNSC had the game’s creators put in a boss that the Prophets couldn’t beat.
(The prophets are at their keyboards)
Truth: THIS IS AWESOME!
Mercy: YEA! We pwning those noobz.
(Suddenly, a large bearded character appears, approximately 200 feet tall)
Truth: WTF? Let me check his stats…
(A large box appears on the screen)
DATA FILE: Chuck Norris: A boss that is completely unbeatable. He has unlimited health, but that does not matter because you can never touch him. His best move, the roundhouse kick, obliterates all life within a 40000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 mile radius, and wipes your character, deletes your account, deletes WOW from your computer, wipes your hard-drive, disables all machinery in your house, and forces you to buy new ones.
Truth: AHHHHHH!
Mercy: LOGOUT!! LOUGOUT!!
Regret: What’s the point…
(The entire ship goes dark, and it crashes into an Orbital Starbucks)
At this point, the Covenant realized that they wouldn’t be able to hack the planet. So they sent in their fleet. Now for the official ship facts:
The CCS-class Battlecruiser is a heavy warship used by the Covenant navy, one of several different designs of capital ship they employ. They are smaller than the rarer and more powerful Assault Carriers, but larger than the more common Frigates and Destroyers, equipped with the standard energy shield generators, pulse laser turrets, and plasma torpedo launchers, and used as a main heavy warship by both CovenantLoyalists and Separatists.
We all remember Master chief boarding the Truth And Reconciliation to save Keyes. Like I said; good technology, stupid people (or squids). The Covenant’s ships were HORRIBLY protected. This was mainly due to bad security personell.
(Two grunts stand by a gravity lift loading cargo into a cruiser)
Grunt #1: Do you think fleshys will try to attack?
Grunt #2: Why you worry about fleshys?
Grunt #1: Chung-pie says they can fly when you aren’t looking!
Grunt #2: That’s a load of pop-glop!
(As the Grunts argue, several marines, officers, and a tank go onto the lift and are carried into the ship)
Grunt #1: Well if that’s not right, then what about Nix-nix. He SWORE on the Prophets that they can shoot venom out of their eyes!
Grunt #2: That’s a kind of human lizard! That Steve guy on Animal Planet talked about it!
Grunt #1: (becoming angry) He was a human! AND HE WAS KILLED BY A STINGRAY! One of Earth’s most harmless creatures!
(A marine comes down the lift and motions)
Grunt #2: IF THEY’RE SO DAMN HARMLESS THEN WHY IS HE DEAD?
(The marines come down, heaving stolen weapons, vehicles, armor, ammuntion, a karaoke machine, snacks, a refrigerator, and several doors)
Grunt #1: Well...uh…what were YOU doing with a human demon-box?!
Grunt #2: Um….spying on…humans?
Grunt #1: NO you weren’t! YOU WERE WATCHING THE OFFICE AGAIN DAMMIT!
(One marine walks back, and sticks a plasma grenade onto Grunt #2’s head, who doesn’t seem to notice though it is directly on his forehead)
Grunt #2: SO WHAT?
Grunt #1: TBS IS SO STUPID! Hey! What’s that on your…(boom)
Haha! Those idiots! (wipes tear from eye) Though TBS is pretty stupid…though sometimes they’re not. Eh…who cares?
Of course, those are the big ships. The one’s whose jobs are to bombard planets with laser fire and etc. Being directly under the control of the Prophets (or worse, Brutes) these ships had a tendency to:
Catch on fire, for apparently no reason.
Explode whenever leaving anywhere.
Play loud obnoxious songs from Mexico on their ships, killing the life on several planets, even though space is a vaccum and it is impossible for sound to travel through it.
Leaving a trail of flames behind them while travelling through space, in one unfortunate accident. They travelled to close to the Care Bear planet, and the atmosphere literally exploded. None survived.
Anyways, on to the smaller ships!
The Banshee is an extremely fast, primary personal aerial assault craft of the Covenant. The Banshee resembles a medium size jet with a hood that opens upward from the rear. It is equipped with two stubby "wings", which are basically frames that terminate in the propulsion jets and anti-gravity pods that leave behind a signature exhaust trail.
These “stubby wings” were very annoying to the Brutes in Halo 3. We can tell this by t he way they would constantly try to remove them by flying full speed into cliffs or walls. As for the “exhaust trail” somebody was smoking Gravemind…
Usually attacking in pairs the Banshee is capable of reaching a speed of over 100 km/h, extremely maneuverable, and is capable of performing loops and barrel rolls to evade incoming fire with the help of the boosting engines.
Great! That’s how it SHOULD be! But did any of the Covenant actually use this advanced technology to aid them in battle? HELL NO! As for the speed…that’s just a bad idea…
(We see a peaceful suburban town, children are playing baseball, an ice cream truck drives by, and a dog is playing in the streets)
(Suddenly, there’s a large WHOOSH. A Banshee roars through the street, the exhaust trail setting the children on fire. The Banshee speeds into the ice cream truck and the impact stops it, crushing the front of the ship.. The truck falls on the dog)
Pilot: WOOOWEEEEE!!
(The Banshee opens, revealing a Brute with matted fur, bloodshot eyes, and a NASCAR hat)
Pilot: I JUST WENT THROUGH 23 SOLAR SYSTEMS ON ONLY 8 CUPS OF COFFEE! YYYYEEEEE-HOOOOOOO!!
(The surviving child comes to him)
Child: But sir…why did you have to get my dog? All he wanted was AHHHHH!!
(The child is crushed by a second Banshee)
Second Pilot: Burt?? BURT?!
(A confused looking elite stumbles out of the second bansee, he is holding tequilla and there is a pair of soiled underpants on his head)
Second Pilot: I sure am glad (hic) I gave up being fleet commander! I just wanted some (hic)ing Pringles. Hey…Ha-(hic)…Have you seen my underpantsZZZZZ? My grandma (hic) gave them to me before she was laid. I mean laid to rest!!(hic) HAHAHA!
(The elite turns and barfs into the face of a seven year old)
As for the details on doing barrel rolls and loops and stuff. Well, thise was to amuse the prophets, as they could watch pairs of maddened elites and brutes smash into each other while doing spectacular tricks!
The Type-52 Troop Carrier (abbreviated Type-52 TC), also known as the Phantom, is a much more formidable drop ship than the previously seen Spirit. It boasts one Plasma Cannon and two fixed Plasma Turrets in Halo 3. In Halo 3, Phantoms no longer have to drop troops via the mini grav-lift. In hot landing zones troops will deploy through large exits on either side of the vehicle for speed.
This was actually one of the smarter decisions made by the Covenant. With the Elites doing basically everything else, Phantoms were usually driven by Grunts. Who had nasty tendencies on board.
(Several trembling Jackals and Grunts are strapped into their seats, with several missing. The ship is over the ocean)
Pilot: I’m thinking of a number one through one hundred! KINGKAY! What is it?
Grunt: Ummm….62?
Pilot: WRONG!
(The Grunt is launched out of the gravity lift into the ocean. The sonic boom finally catches up with it and there is a scream)
Pilot: Ha! I WIN! Now to pilot this thing…
(The ship literally DROPS into the ocean. It is eaten by Sharks, Fubu Fish, and Patrick Star)
Yes, so it was a good idea to put a safety on the gravity lifts. Sadly, the Krusty Krab went out of business, as the secret ingredient was burnt Grunt ass. Spongebob was put out of work and forced to become a rapper. Check out his album in November! (There’s a Mother # pineapple under the Mother # sea)
So now you’re probably wondering (even if you’re not, you’re going to get the answer). “If the fleet was so horrible, then why did anybody want to join?”
Excellent question! The first volunteers joined up under the most honorable conditions. The prophets gave them the choice to either help the fleet burn across the stars, OR be be burned by the fleet, then launched into the stars. Miraculously, many Covenant were willing to join the fleet! The Covenant also ran non-stop propoganda. Just like FOX News Network!
(A small grunt is painting a fence)
Announcer: HEY THERE TIMMY? WHATCHA DOIN THERE?
Grunt: Gee whillikers mister! You scared me! I was just painting my Grandma’s fence?
Announcer: That’s swell Timmy! But wouldn’t you rather be gutting the human scum of the universe?
Grunt: Jeepers…I don’t think I can do that….
Announcer: THEN BURN HERETIC!
(The Grunt, his neighborhood, and the planet’s surface are destroyed by orbital fire)
DO YOU PART! JOIN THE FLEET! SAVE YOUR ASS!
Isn’t it creepy how it’s just like our society? You bet it is!
Tune in to our next chapter!
GHOSTS: The Harley of the Stars
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:26:57 GMT -5
PROBLEM 11: VEHICLE: GHOST First of all, we could call the Ghost a kind of “Covenant Motorcycle”. It is highly suspected that ghosts were created out of the sheer jealously of humanity’s warthogs. As we all know, the entire Covenant race is based off stealing technology from humans, or Forerunners, or maniacal toasters. (A grunt is steering a tiny moped into a parking spot, he is suddenly smashed out of the way by a large warthog) Grunt: Hey! That’s my spot Marine: (grunts) (A fuel line on the marine’s vehicle breaks, and it sprays fuel all over the moped) Grunt: Hey! Your truck is leaking! Marine: My truck does not “leak”. (The moped bursts into flames and the grunt gasps) Marine: IT MARKS ITS TERRITORY! The Prophets could easily see that mopeds could not be a suitable fast strike vehicle for the armada, and like the Jackals, found an easier idea. (The prophets sit in their chairs, discussing the plans for the new ghost. The Elite Honor Guards are wincing occasionally, as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is blaring in the background) Mercy: These mopeds just aren’t working for us. How can we possibly improve them to make them more formidable in combat? Regret: I’ve got it! Let’s nail some shit-quality tin on it, and rub jelly all over it! Truth:… Mercy: What the hell? Let’s just stick a huge engine on the back, and maybe some really annoying tazers on the front. Regret: BUT IT MUST HAVE JELLY! Truth: Tru dat! So they reached a compromise, they would use crappy tin COLORED like jelly, with TWO big engines and annoying tazers. A radio was indeed considered at one point, but it was considered much do distracting after several occasions… Incident Report #89039 Code named: “The School Bus” (A ghost is moving full speed down a highway stretch, a Chubchub the grunt is singing along with the radio) Grunt: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? All dat junk? (The ghost approaches a school bus rapidly) Grunt: I-I-I’m gonna get you drunk… (The ghost pulls up parallel to the bus, and the children look out the window) Grunt: My humps! My humps my humps my humps! (The ghost hits a stop sign, the grunt flies off and is pressed against a window on the bus) Grunt: MY PRETTY LADY HUMPS!! (The children scream in horror, and the bus driver swerves away from another car) (The bus falls into a large ravine) Incident Report #579021 Code named: “Muscles to Smile” (Two grunts are listening to Hannah Montana) (The music becomes so infuriating that the grunts begin arguing) Grunt #1: Everyone knows it takes 25 muscles to smile! Grunt #2: No…it takes like 23! Grunt #1: I’m right! Grunt #2: Doesn’t matter! I have a better question! (Grunt #2 boards a ghost and aims it down a lane) Grunt #2: How many muscles do you think it will take me to steer this thing into n orphanage? Grunt #1: 19! Grunt #2: BULLCRAP! (The grunt kicks the vehicle into overdrive, instead of hitting an orphanage, it hits a mailbox. One of the wings engines is knocked off, and it shoots up into the sky) Grunt #2: Oops… (The engine hits a 747 airliner; the entire plane plummets straight down and hits not only the orphanage, but also a humane society and a koala reserve) Grunt #2: HA! THAT WAS 50 MUSCLES ARTARD! Incident Report #666 Code named: “Musical Psychological Disruption” (This time an elite is listening to the radio, becoming more and more angry) Elite: What is this music humans listen to? (The radio turns to “The Hamster Dance” Elite: Ugh! What is this? It sounds like a drone being beaten with a washing machine! (He turns it to another station, this time it’s “Stronger” by Kanye West) Elite: I don’t get this at all? WHO IS PRINCE? THE HUMANS ARE GETTING STRONGER IF WE DON’T KILL THEM?! WE MUST KILL THEM FASTER! THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE! (He turns it once again, this time it’s “Disturbia”) Elite: The darkness is light? I’M GOING MAD! (He turns it one final time, this time it’s “Numa Numa” it’s also been remixed by the pot smoking teenager working at the radio station) Elite: BY THE PROPHETS! SAVE ME! (A car with an elderly lady pulls up beside him) Old woman: Why young man, that music you’re listening to really touches you! You’re crying! Elite: I AM NOT CRYING! I AM VOMITING FROM MY EYE SOCKETS YOU FOSSIL! (The old woman gasps, and begins to have a seizure. She then dies in front of the Elite.) Elite: SOME HUMANS HAVE ALL THE LUCK! The radio was eventually replaced with turbo boosters, to make the alien imbeciles go even faster. The only race the Covenant has that is actually made more dangerous by speed is grunts and drones. Brutes can drive off cliffs at any speed. The Prophet chairs are rumored to be able to go extremely fast as well. I will address that matter in another chapter. The ghosts (though cheaply produced) could actually be a capable vehicle in the hands of an expert like Master Chief. Then again, anything is deadly in the hands of Master Chief… Eye Glasses- Jam down throat, dead in 17 seconds. Pine Cone- Crush, and slash with shards. Dead in 2 minutes. Mascara- Scoop out enemy eyeballs out of sockets, dead from blood loss in several minutes. Twinkie- Ignite cream filling, squeeze out flaming icing. Death varies. Feather- Lodge into enemy diaphragm. Will suffocate slowly over an hour. Still, the ghosts could be considered capable weapons. Once again, it’s the operators with the problems. This time I decided to PERSONALLY interview a ghost operator. Lord Mandalore: So, Chubchub is it? Tell me exactly what operating ghosts was like. Grunt: Well, I wasn’t good at anything growing up! I used to work as a lawn gnome, until the neighbors found out I was actually alive. Lord Mandalore: I see… Grunt: So I was on Myspace one day, and I saw an ad for being a Ghost driver! I was mesmerized! It turned my life around! Lord Mandalore: Indeed, thank you for your ti… Grunt: I wrote a poem! Before working for the Covenant… Would you like to hear it? Lord Mandalore: Not rea.. Grunt: There once was a man in Peru! Who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke up with the fright, In the middle of the night To discover… I killed his whole family…. Lord Mandalore: What?! Grunt: Kind of like how I murdered that dog coming in here… Lord Mandalore: Killed a dog? Guards arrest him! Grunt: (shocked) It wasn’t my fault! Lord Mandalore: NEITHER WAS THE GODDAMN SCHOOL BUS! NOW GET OUT! The insanity of the ghost drivers also affected the UNSC marines as well… Marine: (Brookly accent) So, I’m on vacation right? Lord Mandalore: uh-huh. Marine: And I have this dream I’m eating my shoe, I go downstairs…AND MY WHOLE FAMILY IS DEAD! DEAD! EVEN THE #ING GOLDFISH!! I mean seriously! Lord Mandalore: Good lord… Marine: Yeah I know! But uh…I went back to bed. Cuz…well, I was freaking tired. I mean seriously. It happened in Peru. Peru! Who the hell goes to Peru?! In fact, some of the Ghost drivers affected a small boy named Andy who is in a wheelchair, I’ve decided to tell you what happened in the most proper and decent vocabulary possible to take some of the pain away. This will be explained by my assistant: Atom the slightly insane Russian! (Yes I let him type this until I stopped him) INCIDENT #97504-77 Code named: “Wheel Chair” If one were to set out on the conceit of volubly explaining the macabre masterpiece of gut-wrenching jocundity that is the Wheel Chair incident, you would indubitably exhaust the bounds of your vocabulary in the process.. The only problem with these ghosts is that all of this is unintentional destruction. A standard ghost vehicle is the soulless eventuate progeny of a small coterie of conspiring corporations who attempted to deftly base a land ship on Steven Spielberg's Hassidic Holiday classic E.T. Now, I'll freely admit that E.T. blew like a Trenton hooker for a Singapore Sling and a crooked smile, but this vehicle defies the conception of just how schlocky and fraudulent something can be (more so than E.T.). The aim here was pure profit and annoyance of humanity, and the splay-legged perpetrators of this spread their cavernous orifices incomprehensibly wide in order to facilitate the rapacious reaming they received at the behest of their financers. So there's this wheel-chair-bound dumbfag rollerpig named Andy the peg-legged mental defective who's got this terrific-sized Mongoloid skull. The trepanation ensues when his maladjusted family makes a pilgrimage to San Francisco where they can participate in an immeasurably humorous cycle of comedic situations that manage to retain their Christian nobility and family appeal - which means none of that promoting of salacious decadence where half-clad harpies sell their God-given twatty pelvic beards for inguinal stimulation on the m-tee-vee. Suffice to say, homoeroticism, hilarity, and libidinous boyhood reverie follow, respectively. So the moron attacking children (codenamed MAC, oh you bet your ass its clever) bobsleds his pock-marked spine into oncoming traffic where he is discovered by our lovable stumpy-legged hero, Andy. There's a myriad of things to enjoy here, like the synergistic chemistry of Toulouse Lautrec in a wheel chair and the deracinated Mac - the repugnant phallic monster from planet shithole. Then there's the grunts horrible whistling, oh my god, I can't believe I nearly forgot to tell you of the mighty fine whistling (which sounds vaguely similar to the huffs and heaves of a constricting sphincter. Oooooooweeeeeeeeee that's good fun!) Then the maddened alien goes to the terpsichorean dance routine that breaks out (like a foul plague of inconceivable pestilence).Most of the Covenant say the Unngoys intentions were good and while I sincerely doubt the verity of such a hyperbolic claim, I do know it was driven by some kind of currency. They also attempt to traduce you into thinking that this incident is pabulum for children who are handicapped (handicapable, non-omnifunctional, whatever trite appellation you assign to the lil' nipple nibblers), that it compels them to try and succeed. A ghost smashing into the street doesn’t prove that. It indeed does prove that if you are an untalented paraplegic with a complexion like a Kaiser roll and a haircut like a member of Supertramp, you too can capsize your own piece of celluloid dross. I envision a future where criminal offenders are deported to an isolated isthmus flanked by an endless queue of barbed wire and encompassed by sex-starved agitated sharks in a large sea of human waste, stained suppositories, and Magic Johnson's used prophylactics. On this truculent plantation and reformatory will reside a large formless building. Inside this edifice (aptly titled Aushwitz fun camp) will be a theater with a series of noxious zyklon B dispatching shower nosels appendaged to the ceiling, a floor scoured with swarms of scarabs and scorpions and june bugs that give you prostate cancer, the faint aroma of carrion from the sanguinary maxipads under the seats, and an unfortunately large screen that will forever play Howard the Duck on a loop that will continue until you've learned your lesson. It’s all the fault of these ghosts. I CAN NO LONGER STAND THE COVENANT ANYMORE! I HOPE THEY ALL JUST BURN UNDER THE BOOTS OF COM Ha, ha! Thank you Atom! Even though we have little idea to what happened to Andy… Crazy Russian bastard…. Now for some official ghost facts: Ghosts are a simple single-pilot transport and reconnaissance vehicles, polished in lucid dark purple in color. They boast a streamlined design and make-up concept to optimize speed and agility, and two wing-like structures on either side for maneuverability. They hover off the ground using Covenant anti-gravity technology, and feature a boost and two plasma cannons. “Lucid dark purple” is a fancy phrase for “old jelly smeared on with dirty grunt hands”. A Ghost's propulsion is imparted by a form of anti-gravity engine known as a Boosted Gravity Propulsion Drive, allowing the Ghost to skim about half a meter above the ground while it is activated. This drive is visible as a bright, fluorescent area of blue energy emanating from the underside of the Ghost. Each "wing" of the Ghost contains a vent that disperses excess heat, most obviously demonstrated by a bright purple glow when the Ghost is boosting, and on the left wing the engine resides and if this is shot the Ghost will detonate. Hey now! There’s a way to hide the weakness of it! Instead of using a dampener or some sort of masking device. Make it light up like the 4th of July! Later Ghosts have modified engines possessing a 'speed boost' feature that nearly triples its speed, allowing for periods of greater velocity but compromised maneuverability. This allows Ghost pilots to enter and leave the combat zones rapidly. In this mode a Ghost can easily run down, or "splatter," enemy infantry and evade more durable foes. As a trade-off, a Ghost's energy reserves are drained rapidly in this mode, and its energy weapons are disabled. If anything, this was actually a good idea by the prophets. They knew well that a grunt couldn’t hit the water if he fell out of a boat, so they decided to just make it faster. A lot more than triple I say… Now, I will reveal the weaknesses for us all to exploit! The boost systems of the Ghost greatly increase its speed, but strip it of its vaunted maneuverability, including lateral movement. Also, while the Ghost's boost system is in use, the weapons are disabled and maneuverability is reduced. Due to the open-topped design of the Ghost, drivers are often extremely vulnerable to small arms fire, especially when unaware of enemies or while idle. Because of the Ghost's light weight, it is easily overturned by explosions, heavy fire, and collisions. Ghosts are also easy to board, and such actions commonly result in the death of the pilot. Ghosts also have large, vulnerable fuel cells on the sides of the driver's seat, which explode very easily, invariably destroying the vehicle and killing the pilot and are great target for snipers. Ghosts are easily susceptible to the disabling effects of the Power Drain or Plasma Pistol overcharge, and once they have been disabled make excellent targets. The Ghost is almost always driven by a Ultra Grunt, who is easy to kill. Unlike other vehicles, the turrets only have a 150° field of fire, and so attackers may approach the vehicle from behind without any fear of retribution. The Ghost is also very ineffective in close quarters, due to its deep blind spot, slow braking action and wide turns. I don’t know what that means, but I just snipe the methane tank Additionally, the Ghost is rather easy to stick with a grenade as you are about to be splattered. The Ghost can also be catapulted into the air by a portable grav lift. Reboarding is a serious problem with Ghosts, although skilled players can easily avoid it. An easy way to avoid this is to reverse as soon as you board a Ghost and shoot the enemy you stole it off. An other way is to hit the boost as soon as the previous driver has been kicked off. If you ram into another Ghost their is a big chance you will be killed and the Ghost will explode with the other Ghost driving off fine. I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about the Ghost! They must all be destroyed. TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: BANSHEES: How to make em scream like one!
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jan 20, 2009 20:27:40 GMT -5
PROBLEM 12: BANSHEES
Now the Covenant learned something about the structure of their fleets quite quickly. They realized they needed to try and organize it like they organized the
Covenant Army, which is actually quite similar if you think about it.
Army- Swarms of incompetent grunts led by massive hulking apes.
Fleet- Swarms of incompetent pilots led by massive hulking ships.
Now the banshees were actually quite good machines (for the most part) they were just flown by complete morons. This is most obvious in Halo 1, where they regularly fly full speed into cliff faces. This is because the banshees changed drastically in the Halo games.
The Banshee is a fast, personal aerial assault craft used by the Covenant. The Banshee resembles a medium size jet with a hood, that opens upward from the rear. It is equipped with two wings which terminates propulsion jets and anti-gravity pods leaving behind a signature exhaust trail while flying. The Banshee is capable of reaching a speed of over 100 km/h[4], is extremely manuverable, and able to perform highly aerobatic maneuvers. The Banshee is also capable of space flight.[5] The vehicle garners it's name from the wailing noise it creates when in the air.
Actually, there’s quite a funny thing about the Banshee. No one (until now) knows what exactly it’s being powered by. I will tell you that it has to do with that wailing noise. You see, that “wailing” is actually “squeaking”. This “squeaking” is the “power source” of the “Banshee”. Once again, heretics prove invaluable to the Covenant. The Prophets, enraged by gas prices, decided to power the banshees using a heretic grunt using a stationary bicycle in the lower part of the craft. The wailing is the pedals squeaking, as the Prophets were enraged by the price of WD 40 as well.
In Halo: Combat Evolved the Banshee could almost hover in mid air. Controls could move backwards, causing the Banshee to back up, and also hover up-side down, but at a slow rate of speed making the Banshee appear to hover, leading advanced airmen to do complex stunts. The banshee from Halo: Combat Evolved cannot strafe left to right.
Now, I must say that having a banshee fly upside down is not the best of ideas.
Disgruntled Grunt Pilot: Screw what T’kima said! I can fly like the Arbiter himself!
(The banshee turns upside down in midair)
Pilot: YEEEHAW!!!
(The banshee doesn’t turn back side up and begins to dive towards the ground)
Pilot: CRAAAAAAAAAP!!!!
(Moments before hitting the ground, a large earthworm bursts through the soil and swallows the craft whole)
I also remember the massive annoyingness of Banshees on Blood Gulch in Halo 1. We all remember the super annoying pilots that would just ram into you on the ground and fly away.
Me: HA! I love owning these fags!
(A banshee skids across the ground and kills me)
Me: DUDE!
(The Banshee continues to dive down into people (sometimes barely touching them) instantly killing them horribly.)
(I respawn, and make my way to the middle of the field, where the banshee dives at me)
Me: SCREW YOU!
(I launch a rocket which obliterates the craft to dust)
9-year old pilot: OH MY GOD YOU FRICKING HACKER!
Beyond that, it turns out that the reason the Covenant changed the Banshee’s controls was because the signals coming from it disrupted the flight patterns of bees (Yes they have bees too). Currently, our bees are disappearing. Contrary to the foolish belief of cell phones or radio signals causing the rapid decline of bee populations, I believe I know what’s causing it. A bee dies when it stings a victim; this theory leaves only one explanation. A crazy cult is going around the world bothering bees so they’ll get stung by them, effectively killing them. HA! That only took three minutes to figure out!
In Halo 2, the Banshee's engines can be pushed to provide a very good boost in speed, but at the cost of maneuverability and weapon power; however, a skilled pilot can time brief periods between boosts to vastly improve their maneuverability. The Banshee can no longer hover, that function has been replaced with an air brake and holding it will cause the craft to slowly go down. Also in Halo 2, the ability to hijack, or "skyjack," an occupied enemy Banshee has been added.
Yes, the Banshee was then able to boost. As it turns out, the fuel rod cannon had become nearly useless to the Covenant as most pilots would just use it to obliterate their own troops. The boost was also considered very useful at the time, until Halo 3 at least. The Brutes utilized the function by slamming Banshees nose first into cliffs and buildings.
Brute: Gwarharhar! Shiny metal bird go fast!
(The Brute slams into a building, which only rips off one of the wings. A grunt who was manning a turret on the building, falls and clutches the undamaged wing)
Grunt: STOP! STOP!
(The craft leans to the right side because of the weight)
Brute: MY WING FEELS FUNNY!!!!!
(The Brute ignites the boost and it begins to fry the grunt, whose hands have no melted into the wing)
Grunt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(The Brute flies the Banshee so the wing hits Wraiths, Ghosts, ground troops, and the leg of a scarab, but the Grunt does not let go)
Covenant Air Traffic Controller: Pilot! Have you gone mad? Report your situation.
Brute: (screaming into radio) MY WING FEELS FUNNY!!
(The side of the banshee smashed into the side of a cathedral, and the grunt finally falls off. But without wings, the Banshee begins to plummet towards the ground)
Brute: MY WING FEELS BETTER!
(The craft crashes straight on top of a small child playing a Nintendo DS)
I must admit the hijacking vehicles might be the greatest thing added in Halo 2, that and the cover for Scorpion tanks so you don’t get sniped while driving a tank. Skyjacking is quite easy to do for everyone. This includes Brutes, Elites, Humans, Jackals, Canadian Grunts, Frylock, Guilty Spark, and Eric Cartman. You only need to lure the pilots close so you can jump on. This is most evident in Halo 2.
Master Chief: (cupping hands over helmet) HEEEEY SQUUUUIDFAAAACE!!!!
Elite Pilot: Who dares defy my holy mission?
Master Chief: YOU SUUUUUUCK!
(The Pilot, blinded with rage, dives straight towards master chief)
Elite Pilot: YOU SHALL EAT YOUR WORDS DEMON!
(The craft dives straight into master chief, who simply grabs the front of the ship, stopping it instantly. He rips off the covering with his left hand, and begins to beat the Elite with his right. He ignites two frag grenades, and rams them down the aliens throat)
Elite: GLURCH!
(Master Chief throws the elite over a cliff, where the corpse explodes at the bottom)
(Master Chief then throws the SHIP onto the mutilated elite corpse, where it explodes)
(The Chief then throws HIMESELF down the cliff, where he lands safely to unload all his ammunition onto the mess, and then defecates on the corpse)
Well so it wasn’t exactly “skyjacking”, but the Banshee is taken care of isn’t it? OF COURSE IT IS!
A rather large defensive change was made for the Banshee. It now has the ability to perform stunts. Although it may seem like this ability is purely used to appear flashy, these stunts are very effective for avoiding enemy fire, especially against rockets. The stunts that can be performed are the ability to roll left, or right and do a back flip in mid air.
Once again, the Prophets grew bored of watching Brutes fly into cliffs and Elites getting distracted. So they decided to fit the Banshees to be able to do pretty loops and turns, once again proving how gay they truly felt inside. They found it absolutely hysterical that soldiers could not shoot a banshee that was doing prancy little loops and turns, and the Prophets laughed until they wet themselves. A few days later, they wet themselves with fear realizing that The UNSC fitted rocket launchers with lock-on devices.
Homosexual Brute Pilot: TEEHEEHEE!!!
(The Banshee does flips and turns while avoiding enemy fire)
Pilot: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
(A marine locks-on with a rocket launcher and fires away)
Pilot: Uh-uh-uh!!!!
(The Brute barely dodges the missile, and gets away safely)
Pilot: HOORAY!
(The Banshee smashes into a cliff)
Once again, this proves the Covenant had good technology, but absolutely terrible staff. Now to reveal several weaknesses to use to your advantage.
The Banshee is lightly armored and thus vulnerable to explosives and anti-vehicle weaponry. The best weapon to destroy a Banshee is the Missile Pod or Spartan Laser, depending on your skill with either weapon, although the Missile Pod is much easier to use with its homing and lock on ability. The missiles home in on the Banshee and are difficult to evade but it is possible to do so with the use of barrel rolls and the boosting function.. Other weapons such as the Rocket Launcher and Spartan Laser can instantly destroy a Banshee although they are harder to successfully hit the target at long ranges. Other alternatives include the Warthog's M41 LAAG, Machine Gun Turrets, and the Brute Shot. Scorpion Tanks and/or Wraiths are also quite effective against Banshees as it is hard for the pilot to maneuver away from the shot from one of the two. At close range a Banshee can be destroyed with Plasma or Spike Grenades. It can also be hijacked at low speeds. This can be effective if there is a Gravity Lift, giving you the elevation needed to hijack a careful Banshee pilot.
Or you could plasma stick on of your own men and have him run in the gravity lift. That way when the pilot goes to ram him they both die. Sounds pretty damn efficient to me.
Some good items to consider using in Halo 3 while engaged with a Banshee are overcharged shots from a Plasma Pistol or tossing a Power Drain as they both temporarily deactivate the Banshee's engines. Using a Bubble Shield against a Banshee should only be used against its weapons, you can still be splattered through the Bubble Shield. A decent fall-back tactic is to use dual SMGs - their fast rate of fire and the wide canopy of the Banshee ensure that the vehicle will be hit with the full power of two weapons at a close to mid-range. Of course, practically any anti-vehicular weapons would be favourable, but it could do enough damage to scare the Banshee away, or leave it in a bad enough position to be destroyed by a teammate.
You’d be amazed by the amount of people who believe that Bubble Shields protect against things that can come right in, like Vehicles and People. I have personally seen an idiot get run over by an Elephant; he apparently believed the bubble shield would halt it in its tracks. He may be the only person in the world to be hit head on by an Elephant. That plan doesn’t make sense! Michael Jackson running a day care would make more sense! Ah well, what can you do…
TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: WRAITHS: They cause diabetes!
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Feb 1, 2009 19:52:29 GMT -5
PROBLEM THIRTEEN: WRAITHS Now this is probably the most confusing of all Covenant vehicles in my opinion. After many wars and conflicts across who knows how much territory, the freaks decided they would need a main battle vehicle. After careful and delicate observation of human vehicles using the spy network and Hubble-grade telescopes, a plan was concocted. The Prophets, deciding how stupid the humans were, decided it would be a MUCH better idea to have a vehicle that shot at an angle, and by angle, I mean 90 fricking degrees up. It was SOOOOO obvious that the stupid humans made a terrible mistake making vehicles that would fire where it was aimed. The obvious choice was to make a tank that would shoot up, and almost completely randomly, letting fate decide where the blast would land. This plan did not work out nearly as effectively as it did on paper… Elite Commander: The marines are on board our very ship! Now fire carefully as it would be wise not to damage the Prophet’s Holy Room of…stuff. Elite Gunner: Here I go… (The wraith fires) Marine Captain: Take cover men!!! (The shot misses the marines completely and obliterates an entire collection of Hannah Montana items) Elite Commander: CAREFULLY! (The wraith fires again, this time hitting a large William Shatner brand popcorn machine, this ignites the uncooked kernels, which then ignite instantly) Elite Commander: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!? (The popcorn kernels, which have grown so hot the flames are white, shoot off in every direction and destroys the Holy Shrine of the Jonas Brothers and other She-men) Elite Gunner: Uh oh! Not the reality drive! (The popcorn destroys a component on the reality drive and a masked man comes flying out of it, and jumps towards the commander in a fighting pose.) Mysterious Man: FALCON PUNCH!!!! (Captain Falcon punches the Commander’s head clean off) Elite Gunner: AHHHH!!! (The gunner tries to flee, only to have a green lizard with a saddle on it’s back hop out in front of him and swallow him whole with it’s long tongue) Marine: THAT THING ATE THE ELITE DRIVER! (The lizard that lays a large green-spotted egg that appears to have something inside struggling to be free) Marine Captain: I don’t know what the hell these things are, but we should shoot em all down before they tear us to bits. (A marine fires his assault rifle rapidly towards a large ape wearing a red tie with the letters DK on it. The ape doesn’t appreciate this, and smashes the man with an overly-sized hammer) Marine Captain: (Drawing out a combat knife) I’ll fight you all to the death, and I’ll- Chief??? Thank god you’re here!!! Imposter Master Chief: Ima chargeen mah lazer Marine Captain: Excuse me sir??? (A large black face suddenly appears on the Spartan’s helmet) Imposter Master Chief: SHOOP DA WOOOOOOOOOOP! (A large blue laser surges out of the face’s mouth and rips through the captain, ship, a planet, and literally rips a hole in the universe where eventually unholy man-beast-fish-monster Jamie Lee Curtis would escape from) Yes it was a plain stupid idea to construct such a vehicle based on religion, but it certainly beat the old religion of the Covenant. (The Prophets are seated in a circle in a secure room) Truth: We will now consult the greatest being in the universe, as we all know we discovered him quite recently on the human world thanks to our scouting party. We must take the consul of…ORBNATICUS!!!! (A large disco ball descends from the ceiling and begins spinning around emitting strobe lights) Mercy: Ummm…what’s it doing? Truth: You must open your ears Mercy… (Thriller by Michael Jackson begins to play from the ball) Regret: Uh, Truth. I think it’s just a disc- Truth: DO NOT INSULT ORBNATICUS OR YOU WILL BE DAMNED FOREVER TO THE FORBIDDEN ZONE!!! This is the reason most aliens cannot be trusted. At least space aliens. Speaking of “people that cause fear” I can actually trust gay guys. Hey, at least they make my hair look GREAT. Unfortunately, one child thought he could trust the Covenant. You know that story, the one where that holy guy creates a big space rock in the middle of nowhere? It's sort of a tall tale, but it explains a lot. After he does the thing with the rock and the creation, he does a whole bunch of other things, like make some stuff to put on the rock: tapirs, those mushrooms that squirt out clouds of poisonous, lung-exploding spores when you step on them, a vole or two to spice things up, some annoying mountains in the middle of flat stuff; all of these things he secretes out of his Stuff-Gland and sticks them on this crazy rock he's making called "Earth." Anyway, this guy works on decorating his rock for like six straight days or something, but as the story goes, on the seventh day he gets lazy and sleeps in, maybe goes down to the Sizzler for the all-you-can-eat sundae bar instead of working on his creepy old space rock some more. He comes back from the Sizzler feeling nauseated and disturbingly obese, so he downs a few shots of Jack Daniels and hits the hay early. Here's where the story gets oddly terrifying in an odd, terrifying way. While he is sleeping, the rock plunges into disarray and chaos. Then, something terrible and unforeseen happens that changes the course of events for eons to come. It makes a boy think he can trust a GRUNT. This is the story of Billy…One you may want to completely scroll past and get on with the wraiths because this may take awhile. In the year of our rock-creator 2080, the incident was unfortunately and irrevocably started when a NASA probe accidentally kidnapped a freakish family of leprosy-ridden grunts who were happily fine were they were, hadn’t they thought the probe was full of Coca Cola and Rick Astley CDs. The aliens weren’t completely innocent, as they were there to scout out the worlds in the system. The aliens are brought back to Earth against their will only to escape from NASA and end up hiding out in the desert of southern California. The youngest alien, a freakish grease-creature with enormous, watery fisheyes, jumps onto the van of a family en route to (shockingly) Los Angeles and is whisked away into the suburban life of Billy, the angelic loser kid. Also on board the love van are his annoying teenage brother and his ditzy, rodent-like mom. The family arrives back at home and Billy is immediately alerted (via his supersensitive loser-powers) to the presence of the alien weirdo. He finds out its’ sickeningly saccharine name is “Pogo”. He also decides to keep it as his personal work slave because even at 10 years old he has the common sense to know that he is a disgusting freak and that no one will ever want to be his friend, ever. And thus begins the journey of friendship and self-discovery that Billy the lonely douche kid begins with a disgusting sack of alien garbage at his side. Of course, the only people who can see it are himself and his crimp-haired girlie-friend who lives across the street and somehow doesn't care that all of the other kids are going to laugh at her and call her degrading names like "Pancho" and "Steve" because she talks to the depressing weird kid. On one occasion the kid and his friend are playing in the backyard when Billy suddenly loses control of his gay little bike. The next two minutes are spent with her screaming shrilly over and over again, “BIIIIILLLY!!! BILLLLLY!” as his bike rolls down a hill, across a field and OH MY GOD OFF OF A CLIFF INTO A RIVER 50 FEET BELOW! The retard plummets to his seeming doom, ricocheting off of the rock face and doubling in half as it hits the water. Meanwhile, as you may not already know, Billy's not so good at life, so he is in serious danger of drownifying as he demonstrates by flailing convincingly for several minutes before he gives up on life and sinks happily beneath the murk. Luckily, Billy's creepfest alien friend is on hand to dive beneath the water and bring him to the surface, much to the surprise and dismay of the little girl who actually wanted him to die so that she wouldn't have to hang out with the weirdo retard any more. For some unknown reason, the boy immediately develops some affection for the little Covenant monstrosity and decides that the best thing to do would be to trap it. In order to bottle and sell its excrement, the boy sets up a foolproof system of Coca-Cola cans and straws all over the house that lead to his room and a very high powered vacuum cleaner. The pustulent alien-freak is MYSTERIOUSLY UNABLE TO RESIST THE CANS OF COKE (which is all he wanted to begin with) and is lured into the clever trap Billy has set for him. With the help of the annoying, frizz-haired neighbor girl, they suck up Pogo in the vacuum cleaner. Yes, they SUCK IT UP, AS THOUGH IT WERE COMPRISED OF PUTTY, INTO THE VACUUM. That’s just how cartoon-like these grunts are. Suddenly, the vacuum begins to move by itself and in a vain attempt to stop it, the frizz-girl gets pulled along for the ride. It wheels her, screaming, through the house, The vacuum drags the girl down the hallway, up one of the walls, across the ceiling, and down the wall on the other side of the room. When it comes down from the ceiling, the girl's legs crumple sickeningly into a gut-wrenching puddle before it zooms across the floor and stops in the middle of the room. With the help of Billy the retards’ annoying older brother, the kids change the vacuum setting from suck to blow (you see? it's all falling into place now) and the repulsive booger-alien spurts out. Of course, it's damaged and sick from its trip to Filthland, so they give it some Coke and it's magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly all better. At this point the mother comes home and the alien exits by hiding in the toilet. The kids try to explain that there is a tiny, midget alien afoot that looks as though it was in a terrible industrial accident involving gasoline and Fritos. The mother, of course, doesn't believe a word of it, so they all go to sleep and dream about the time they were held hostage by fat men dressed as sausages and who sang about amphetamines and various rye breads. In the morning, Billy wakes up to find that the living room of the house is magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly littered with Coke cans and plasma grenades. He also notes that while they were sleeping, the freakish snot ball alien has cleaned and reorganized their house for them as a token of appreciation for sucking it up in the vacuum the night before. Also present, laid out on the table, are a couple pictures of Pee Wee Herman and a large print ad for Valvoline. The retard says with a cheesy grin, "he must want to go on a trip!" Yeah, he wants to go on a trip alright. I'll give him a trip. I'll put him inside of an oil drum, put the drum on a boat, sail the boat out in to the middle of the ocean, and then sink the boat with high-powered explosives. 10 years later I will raise the wreck of the boat, find the oil drum, and shoot it into the sun. Then I will blow up the sun. Problem solved. The mother and the brother come into the living room and are shocked at the sight of their house not looking like a filthy K-Mart discount bin. By the sheer power of logic, the boys are able to convince the mother that there is no way they could be responsible for the house being clean because they are both lazy louts, and besides one of them has no friends. She therefore decides that perhaps the writhing mucus-sack from outer space does in fact exist. So she goes jogging. The mother jogs down the road with Billy the socially-challenged lad skipping along at her side. Meanwhile, Pogo decides that it would be a really good idea to get into one of those "Powerwheel" contraptions. You know, those cars for kids that go a maximum speed of about 2 miles per hour and that come in exciting designs like "Barbie's Pre-Teen Pink Underage Sex-Car." So he jumps into one of those and thus begins the idiot grunt riding at what appears to be 30-odd miles per hour down a busy residential street. Suddenly, the neighborhood dogs take an interest in the blob from another world and begin to run after the little car. Oddly enough, they are unable to catch it even though they are running at top speed. All through the chase scene the dogs try to rip the grunts’ head off with large pointy teeth, inspiring suicide and mass destruction. It ends when the alien rockets over some uneven ground and is catapulted into a tree. The dogs gather beneath him, barking and jumping up at the branches. The Apparently the grunts’ skills, while perfectly capable of cleaning and rearranging an entire house, are not able to rescue him from the tree and hungry, stupid dogs. Unfortunately, the alien survives its harrowing canine ordeal, and at this time it takes a coffee break to communicate with its stranded family in the desert. He does this by farting into a megaphone. Somehow they hear him from hundreds of miles away and answer back. The little space-turd is apparently homesick (literally) because the next day Billy the 'tard, and Frizzlefry find him sitting in a chair in the living room, mysteriously illin'. They offer him some water but he refuses it because there is no way he is about to ingest something that is not Coca-Cola brand cola. Billy and the girl have to go to a birthday party at the local McDonald's that day, and the girl's mother is waiting for them outside in the driveway. Billy is distraught because he doesn't want to leave his friend the walking anus by itself as it is so obviously under the weather. He tells the girl to wait outside for him. Moments later, Billy emerges from the house with what appears to be an enormous, pulsating pile of crap with arms and legs in his lap. As it turns out, in the 20 seconds between him sending out Frizz-Girl and coming out himself, he has found an enormous teddy bear from which he has removed the stuffing. He re-stuffs the bear's skin with his alien love-slave and they pile into the car together and head off to McDonald's. The kids and walking cat vomit enter the place and we immediately see that the restaurant is packed with kids, ballerinas, and homosexual football players. I repeat: BALLERINAS. HOMOSEXUAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS. The kid shuffles a chair on up to the table with his bear and Ronald McDonald appears from the putrid nether-regions of despair and terror to say, "Hey kid, nice bear," only to vanish in a haze of smoke and vaguely homoerotic balloon animals. At this point the bear-creature sees cups of none other than Coca-Cola brand cola on the table and suddenly its arm explodes out from the sleeve of the costume in a horrifying parody of a rubbery back-scratcher, extending itself four feet across the table to grab a soda. The kids at the table gasp and suddenly music plays over the McDonalds intercom. Imagine the worst song that the 80's ever produced. Now imagine that song being ground into a fine powder and that powder being added to some year-old dog crap and the feces being ground into a powder and added to the remnants of Richard Simmons bathwater. After sitting in the sun for approximately three weeks, stewing in its own juices, the sensation experienced when eating this ball of disease would come somewhere close to approximating the pain caused by the terrible music that plays next. The alien bear is placed on the countertop and the next 10 minutes are spent in psychedelic 80's hell. While the people and freak are dancing happily to celebrate the obesity that will be caused by their eating such nutritious foods, some “evil” government people attempt to break through the crowd and get the alien. They are, of course, unsuccessful, as you just can't stop music. Hooray Rihanna! Billy and the Frizzy Dilemma become aware of the guv'ment threat and they conspire to get their alien out of McDonald's almost against its will (shockingly, it REALLY likes McDonald's). Billy makes a break for it with the alien misfortune on his lap. The government people follow in hot pursuit, somehow unable to keep up with the kid's wheelchair. Cars pull out of seemingly invisible driveways as they race down the street, and Billy narrowly escapes by grabbing onto the bumper of a passing truck and is pulled along to high-speed safety. His mother works at the local Sears, so Billy makes his way there with the g-men on his tail. Once inside Sears, the Pogo suddenly unveils his power to make TV's explode with his plasma pistol and doors seal shut of their own accord, slowing down the government people a bit while Billy’s ditzy broad mother screams shrilly, "BILLLLLY!!!!BILLLLY!!!” Just as it appears that he will be caught, Billy's older brother zooms out of nowhere with his driver's license and the family mini-van. He picks Billy and the tumor-bag up and speeds away into the sunset. God I wish Spartans existed in that time…If only they could’ve destroyed it quickly. The van full of society's brightest hope rolls down the road on cue from the grunt. With its help, the humans are led to the remote place in the desert where the family has taken refuge. They are shocked to see an enormous Valvoline billboard and realize that the alien had been trying to tell them to go here all along but they were to busy eating yogurt to really notice anything. They round up the freakish alien family and herd them into the van which at this point should have exploded to save the world from any further rape and plunder of human consciousness. They stop for gas at a rural station, at which point the hideously deformed alien retard brigade causes much commotion when it attempts to be friendly-like with the locals. The aliens get out of the van and wander drunkenly into a grocery store to buy or steal (you're not going to believe this) Coke. A security guard brandishes a gun and tells them to halt, but those crazy aliens don't understand his gibberish language because they are from a planet where the only acceptable form of communication are bizarre hand-signals and beatings by Jackals. The guard backs down and the father-alien ends up with the gun in it's tiny hand. Just as the aliens walk out of the store, UH OH, HERE COMES THE EVIL GOVERNMENT TO MAKE THINGS BLOW UP AND SHOOT GUNS AT OTHER THINGS!! There follows a very happy scene in which the alien family is made to explode in a fiery inferno of death as apparently one of the evil government men accidentally had some Super-Explodey-Bullets in his gun instead of the standard issue .45 caliber. Praise hell, hooray, let there be celebrations abound, the alien slugs are finally gone! But wait! What's this? Billy the retard appears to have been killed in the blast! But he was a retard! He can't die! His head didn't goddamn work! His mother rushes in and seems eerily undisturbed that her son has been killed. Behind her, through the flames, there appear shadowy forms, barely discernible from the raging hellstorm around them. As the slow seconds drag on, it becomes sadly obvious: those stupid STD's with legs are still alive and they are coming out of the fire to try to save Billy. MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, they have only to wave their hands over him a few times and speak gibberish with those crazy high pitched voices and Billy is alive again, anxious to return to his life as a lonely boy in the suburbs of Los Angeles. Huzzah and merry meet. What kind of ending could a story of this exquisite beauty possibly have, you ask? Well, here are some possibilities to consider: The Predictable Ending: The government goons could have gotten a hold of the freak-family and sent them back to La-La Land to suck goo out of the ground for nourishment and live their pointless, stupid lives. The family is happy, the humans are happy, the Earth is saved from having to look at their disgusting, misshapen bodies and listen to their disturbing crack-head speak. Celebrations run rampant. The Violent Ending: The government could have decided that they were going to eradicate the alien threat once and for all, so they drop a series of Hydrogen bombs on Southern California. Thankfully, they dropped so many bombs that the entire state of California breaks off and falls into the ocean like those scientists keep saying is going to happen when the "Big Quake" finally comes. Any day now, people! I really wish this could’ve happened… The Sappy, Vomit-Laden Ending: Despite their best efforts, Billy the mental-cripple could have bitten the big one and gone to that big camp for retards in the clouds. The aliens are greatly saddened by their failure to be of any help so they offer to spend the rest of their lives in slavery at the local car wash where they use their natural slime coating to provide cost-efficient wax alternatives for people's vehicles. The actual ending to this story’s even more horrifying and ludicrous than any of the alternatives presented above. The alien freak-family, with support of the US government, BECOMES FULL US CITIZENS AND ARE SWORN IN AS RESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. At the ceremony are all of our heroes, including Retardoboy, Electrocuted-Girl, the Predictably-Teenaged Brother, Flake-Mom, and Sellout Sister. Also in attendance are the aliens themselves, who are dressed as a cruel joke to disturbingly, resemble a family from a 1950's sitcom. After the ceremony there is much rejoicing and the family of Ugly heads off down the road in a pink Cadillac convertible with a sign on the back that has inspired more horrific dreams in the past few nights than I will ever be able to relate. It said, "WE'LL BE BACK!" If, in fact, the sign is accurate and they will be back, I personally want no part of it. In fact, if they do come back, I will be waiting in close proximity around a corner with a high-powered semiautomatic weapon such that I can shoot the pus-filled grunts out of them before turning the gun on myself because I am so disillusioned with our country for allowing such swill. The only reason I escaped suicide this time was because I felt a burning urge. Sort of like the urge you get when you have to urinate but when you try it feels as though you are pissing a stapler attached to a riding lawnmower. But this urge was the urge to tell as many people as I could about this disgrace of an event in the hopes that somewhere, someone will find the person or people who are directly responsible for what happened and take it upon themselves to do what every red-blooded American should do: BREAK OUT THE ASSUALT RIFLE AND BLOW THE GRUNTS TO HELL. Bottom line is, the 2080 Government was RETARDED!!! But, my my MY how I’ve gotten off track. I’ve given you all a story in a story, eh- must be time for some official facts. In battle, the Wraith is the Covenant equivalent of a UNSC Scorpion Tank. With the ability to boost, they are faster than Scorpions (though slower when not boosting). Its attack is less accurate and weaker, but Wraiths can indirectly bombard enemy forces. In Halo, Spartans, Marines, Elites, and Brutes still pilot Wraiths. The vehicle is slow and easily boarded, and without Ghosts as defending escorts, a boarding party has a good chance of success. Weaker? Well I wouldn’t say that a wraith shot feels like a kitten lick, but we could all agree that it’s incredibly inaccurate, as stated at the top of this page. It’s not as boarded now that it has a large turret on it now. Now you can easily melee the back and it explodes . In Halo 2, the Wraith has two weapons: the standard plasma mortar and two Automated Plasma Cannons. Although they are not very accurate, they can easily take down energy shielding. The turrets auto-target any enemy within range, making boarding a Wraith more difficult. However, the player cannot utilize these turrets themselves, meaning that the Wraith is somewhat ineffective in the player's hands. The Halo 2 Wraith also includes a booster engine, capable of tripling the tank's speed for about one second and requires five seconds to recharge. Though this can be used to travel more quickly, it is commonly used to run over enemies who are getting too close and is extremely effective due to the Wraiths reverse speed being identical to a Spartan/Elite running speed. This booster can crush small vehicles, such as Ghosts or Warthogs and damage other heavy vehicles such as other Wraiths and Scorpions The Halo 2 Wraith also has an air brake, similar to the Spectre, that can be used to bring the nose up if the vehicle has launched itself into the air. The vulnerable exhaust panel on the rear of the Wraith must be removed before a grenade can be thrown into the vehicle, melees are common but it is possible to shoot the panel off with any weapon, even a sniper rifle. If you play on Legendary, those cannons are DIFFICULT. Accurate plasma bolts combined with random mortar fire makes quite a deadly combination. Me: Crap crap crap CRAP!!!! (I’m killed by a Wraith) Grunt: (dancing around corpse) Can I have his helmet? Me: I’ll get it this time!!!!! SEVERAL HOURS LATER… (phone rings and I pick up) Evan: Dude, you want to hang out later and set some random stuff on fire?!? (I kill an elite and a mortar blast hits me, the Elites celebrate by throwing grenades at my corpse) Me: NOT NOW!!!!! (Hang up) SEVERAL MORE HOURS LATER… (phone rings and I pick up) Ashley: Hey MYREALNAME,I just finished shopping and got a new swimsuit. Do you wanna come swimming with me later? (This time, I’m in a Warthog and it’s flipped over by a Wraith blast. I leap out of the wreckage and destroy it with a rocket launcher. Before I can celebrate, I’m stuck by an midly obese grunt) Me: NOT NOW ASHLEY!!!! (Hang up) Of course this is a MAJOR exaggeration, as I would certainly never of passed any of these opportunities up. These were actual events and they were both a blast. Until Evan set fire to the wine bottle… In Halo 3, new features include visible headlights, increased speed and a more direct line of fire. The new turret fires energy blasts resembling the shots of the Plasma Rifle instead of a beam like the Spectre. The tank has a subtle greenish shine to it and an embedded latticework that glimmers in the light. The most dramatic design change added an exposed topside gunnery position with a 270° view, allowing for better defence against enemy soldiers and boarders. Boarding is made more difficult in that now boarders have both a pilot and gunner to kill before gaining control of the vehicle, not to mention that the gunner and fire on the boarder before he even has the chance to push the grenade button. The Wraith now has the ability to attack two targets independent of one another, (such as focusing the mortar on destroying a nearby Warthog, while the gunner takes out a player on foot attempting to hijack the vehicle from the sides.) The turret is powerful enough to destroy a Ghost before one can successfully destroy the Wraith, (unless it gets right behind it and shoots at the jet.) The Wraith, although having the same top speed as its Halo 2 counterpart, has difficulty traversing high angles and its reversing capability is often inadequate. If boarded from behind or on the front of the cockpit the driver cannot exit the vehicle, another difference from the Halo 2 version. Of course, now the turret is on super-crack making it all the more difficult to kill. Now the driver not being able to exit when boarded, that just leads to all kinds of grenade possibilities, probably too many for me to write ATM. Now for some weaknesses to exploit! When combating a Wraith, the method varies depending on your intents and your current position. If you are in a light vehicle (ex. Warthog, Ghost) and you want to destroy the Wraith, simply evade the massive shots. On your priority list, however, watch out for the plasma turrets-these will chip away your health and in Legendary, are more dangerous than the main mortar, as it can actually hit you. When dealing with a pair or more of enemy Wraiths, such as the entrance to the tunnel in Metropolis, you may wish to use the Ghost instead of the Warthog, because it lacks the equal amount of evasiveness and also does not have the boost feature. For the Ghost, concentrate on one vehicle at a time. If you are in a heavy vehicle and also wish to take them out, simply fire with the main cannon (ex. Mortar for the Wraith and Scorpion missile for the human variant) from a distance, where you can easily move if you see them fire. In contrast, should you want to board, never do so if there is a pair, as the other Wraith will destroy you with the mortar once you have successfully boarded. As the enemy AI only uses the boost feature when you're in front of it, this should be done relatively easily. The only problem lies in the secondary plasma turret. In higher difficulties, these can take you out in seconds. To counter this, drive straight up to the Wraith in your light vehicle and get out in the last second. Not only does this save time to walk/run over, it protects you from the plasma. From there, to avoid getting boarded again, simply boost and splatter the enemy. The Spartan Laser is a very effective weapon to use against the Wraith destroying it in two shots, one if aimed at its motor on the back, or directly at the driver's cockpit. Ahhhh…what problems can’t the Spartan laser fix? These include, but are not limited to: Relationships Cancer Diabetes Depression Financial A Depressing relationship where you’re financially screwed because of your love interest’s diabetes or cancer. Well, that’s all for now! TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: CHOPPERS: NO WAY IT’S A MOTORCYCLE RIP-OFF!!!
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Feb 1, 2009 19:52:58 GMT -5
PROBLEM FOURTEEN: THE BRUTE CHOPPER
Imagine a simple farm in Kansas. Now Imagine the farmer has a tractor. One day a Brute steals this tractor, rips off the back wheels puts two giant blades on the front, and duct tapes some 35mm cannons to the sides of it. Do you have Monster Garage? No! You have a Brute Chopper!
When the Great Covenant Civil War began between the Elites (who figured out Halo was actually a giant super weapon instead of an escalator to paradise) and the Brutes (who thought Halo was shiny, and shiny things are OBVIOUSLY valuable), the Prophets ordered the Brutes to go back to their home world for the war effort.
Truth: I need you all to go back to your world and bring all of your…stuff. Apparently the Elites have taken most of their technology with them.
Several Days Later…
Brute: Here you are my lord! (The Brute throws down a Nintendo 64 that has a large hole puncher glued to the top of it)
Truth: What is THIS supposed to be?
Brute: It’s a plasma rifle!
Truth: Of course…have you brought anything else?
Brute: Of course! (The Brute throws a dented CD player on the table) I call it a cdPod!
Truth: Well, well I have good news for you.
Brute: REALLY? What’s that?
Truth: You’re banished, get out.
Brute: NO! I brought this too! (The brute holds out a saw with glasses taped to it)
Truth: AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?!?!
Brute: It’s my see-saw!!!
(Truth pushes a button on his chair, and a hole opens in the ground, the Brute falls into a room that only has one door)
Brute: This can’t be good...
(The Brute opens the door to reveal a snowy landscape)
Brute: Where am I?
(A man with goat legs, carrying a homosexual looking umbrella walks past)
Mr. Tumus: Oh Goodness gracious! What an unexpected surprise! I’m Mr. Tumus and this is the magical land of Narni-
Brute: MEAT!!!!!
(The Brute chases after the goatman and fires a brute shot at it)
Badger: What’s with all the ruckus?
(A lone grenade flies into the badger hole and it explodes, several other talking animals are obliterated in the Brute’s careless fire)
Yes, the Brutes weren’t too good at making anything really. So the idea of a land vehicle was quite a challenging aspect to pull off. Originally the chopper was supposed to be a farming plow, until a brute found a way to turn it into a war machine. That’s how I have an exclusive interview with the inventor of the Brute Chopper. Cuddlus!
Lord Mandalore: So, you’re the inventor of the Brute Chopper?
Cuddlus: Yes I am! All 42 of them!
Lord Mandalore: 42?
Cuddlus: Of course! It was much difficult to make speedy land turtle. I had many tries to make such a thing. First try was no good.
Lord Mandalore: And why was that?
Cuddlus: First idea was to have big platform with large boomstick on it. It would go around very fast and blow things up.
Lord Mandalore: I suppose that’s a…good base. What did it run on?
Cuddlus: That was the problem. We needed twenty children to carry it!
Lord Mandalore: Children?!?
Cuddlus: Orphan children!
Lord Mandalore: Why orpha-
Cuddlus: With cancer!
Lord Mandalore: You’re one sick goril-
Cuddlus: Terminal cancer!
Lord Mandalore: Why would you have sickly children carry a weapons platform?
Cuddlus: Well I like children!
Lord Mandalore: I see…
Cuddlus: I like steak too!
Lord Mandalore: Holy Lord…THAT’S IT!!! Brutus!
(A large robot with 3 wheeled legs rolls into the room, oen arm is a rocket launcher and the other a minigun)
Brutus: SECURITY PROTOCOL. ENGAGED.
(Brutus fires off the minigun while Cuddlus begins to throw small children out of his pockets)
(A child hits the wall and explodes on impact)
Lord Mandalore: (talking into microphone) We need security on Floor 3. We’ve got a hairy fatass with a seemingly unlimited supply of instantaneously exploding orphan children!
(A small boy gets thrown out the window and into traffic)
Cuddlus: WHO CAN MAKE A SUNRISE? THE CANDY MAN CAN!!!
Lord Mandalore: TURN OFF THE CAMERA!! I DON’T WANT ANOTHER INCIDENT REP-
Whoops! That’s all the time we have for that! So basically the Chopper was invented by a mildly obese gorilla that had a strange liking for orphan children. Though I can tell you now (some may not know what I’m talking about) the whole “the louder the motorcycle, the smaller the guy’s you know what”. Well, all Brute choppers are incredibly loud. So what does that say about the entire species?
Let’s move on to some official facts:
The Brute Chopper is a heavily-armored, dual-wheeled assault vehicle, kept afloat by a gravity array on its rear seating and a massive double wheel in the front (Which supports the vehicle's balance by its axis of gravity). The Chopper is best described as an "Anti-Anything" vehicle. Its powerful 35mm auto-cannons can take down most light ground vehicles with ease and the large blades on the front can instantly destroy any vehicle (except tanks) by ramming into it. It was intended to be the Covenant Loyalist equivalent of the Covenant Separatist Ghost, but the two are often used in conjunction, due to the Chopper's superior firepower and the Ghost's superior maneuverability.
Good plan, the only flaw is the kind of drivers we’re talking about.
(A Brute Chopper surges forward smashing into every single ghost in front of it)
Brute: Faster! Stronger! BUILT TO LAST LONGER!
Brute on Ghost: What are you doing?!?!?
(The ghost narrowly avoids the Chopper)
Ghost Brute: That was much too close.
(Suddenly, the drone from way back in chapter four drops Gollum onto the Ghost)
Ghost Brute: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?
Gollum: WRAITHS!! WRAITHS ON WINGS!!!!
Ghost Brute: I can’t see!
(The ghost drives over a cliff)
These prototype choppers had two Brute Spikers mounted to their bodies. In contrast, the current version features two pairs of powerful 35mm auto-cannons and the replacement of blades with grinding wheels. The original four prototypes were made from the remains of a destroyed Spirit.
So, the original chopper was made from...junk? Surprised? I suppose you can’t blame the retards, after all EVERYONE knows that a food blender can make an excellent engine.
I think some quotes can sum it up:
“D’ya think they’re compensating for something? I mean, look at the size of the damn thing—it’s bigger than my first apartment.”
“It doesn’t have the room to accommodate a single passenger—and what do they do with their gear? Lash it on to the fenders?”
“They don’t have a lot in the way of places you can stow your gear—it’s basically a huge engine with a little bucket tied to it for you to stick your ass in. And big golf delta blades bolted to it, can’t forget about the blades.”
Aw well, I think I’ve had enough of Brute incompetence for one day…
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: SCARABS: I OBVIOUSLY CAN’T AFFORD ONE
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on Feb 1, 2009 21:54:36 GMT -5
lol
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Feb 1, 2009 22:13:52 GMT -5
This guy is a genius
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Mar 17, 2009 14:51:31 GMT -5
PROBLEM FIFTEEN: THE SCARAB
If it’s not a compensation for something, I don’t know what is. The Scarab is a HUGE war machine complete with a plasma bam cannon that can wipe out more children than Michael Jackson running a day care center. The Scarab is a massive death machine that was inspired a little after the first Halo was destroyed.
Truth: You know, there’s something about that mining machine.
(A Scarab is digging for mushrooms in a large excavation site, and vaporizing everything on the ground)
Regret: Perhaps the mining laser is a tad bit powerful.
(A hole in the ground with a mailbox beside it is shaken violently; a large grey rabbit comes out)
Rabbit: What’s with all this racket?
(The Scarab aims the mining laser at the rabbit and Truth watches)
Rabbit: (begins chewing on carrot) Nyah…what’s up chair jockey?
Truth: FIRE!!!
(The Scarab cannon fires, creating a large crater with the rabbit hole unscathed in the middle)
Rabbit: What’s the big idea?!?
(The Scarab stomps on the rabbit’s head)
In short, as it surprisingly turns out, you dig with mining tools instead of a laser beam on super crack. Of course, the first design for the “transport scarab” was a little bit screwed up as it had a giant platform on the back of it. This platform could easily be susceptible to damaging things such as termites, lice, and a battle rifle wielding Master Chief. We can only imagine why this was designed this way…
(An Elite is sitting on the couch in a basement wrapped in a Snuggie, eating Hot Pockets while watching a movie)
Elite: I love Return of the King. You have to be uber BA to watch it 77 times in a row.
TV: Drive them to the river!!! Yeey!!!
Elite: (eyes wide with anticipation)This is super-cool.
Elite’s Mom: JEREMY!!!! DID YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE???
Elite: NO MOM!!!!!
Elite’s Mom: COULD YOU DO IT NOW SWEETIE??
Elite: NOT NOW MOM!!!! THEODEN KING NEEDS TO DEFEAT THE ORCS OF SAURON!!!!
Elite’s Mom: WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GIRL YOU WERE GOING TO SEE?!?
Elite: SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ME!!! AS LONG AS I’M THE FAN CLUB PRESIDENT, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE ALWAYS COMES FIRST!!!!
Elite’s Mom: WHY DON”T YOU GO OUTSIDE?!?!? OR DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE??
Elite: SHUT UP MOTHER!!!!! Dude, Théoden is going to be pwned.
TV: (The elephants surge forward)
Elite: This is better than muskmelons.
TV: (roaring and various battle noises, several elephant-like creatures run out into the fray)
Elite: (noticing the giant creatures with platforms on their backs are full of soldiers) Wait… What if- I think I have an idea!
TV: Reform the line!!! (The elephants charge forward, destroying all in their path)
Elite: THAT’S IT!!! I’ve got it!!!
(The Elite springs off of the couch, and looks up with eyes burning with fervor)
Elite: MOOOOM!!!! MORE HOT POCKETS!!!!
Yes, Jeremy the Elite didn’t invent the Scarab, but he eventually did find a human who could help him create a device for the Prophets.
Elite: An emissary from humanity my lords. He brings us advanced technology.
Truth: Send him in…
Elite: Of course Excellency…I must be going. Mother awaits me.
(A human with blonde hair, and a scrunched up face walks into the room)
Human: Hey there prophets, its Vince with ShamWow! Do you need to clean up hooker blood and vomit from last night’s party? Paper towel ain’t gonna do it. Sponge ain’t gonna do it! ShamWow does it all!
Regret: (looking at Truth) What is this heresy?
Vince: ShamWow holds 20,000 times its’ weight in liquid. Take it out, doesn’t even drip.
(Vince squeezes out the towel and water dumps all over the throne room floor)
Mercy: This floor was just washed you scum.
Vince: (rubbing the ShamWow on the stairs) Great for cleaning banisters…
Truth: Shut him up!!!
Vince: Watch this. Throw it on the wall, doesn’t even stick.
(A grunt is watching with delight)
Grunt: Is it snuggly, oh human one?
Vince: Soft enough to caress a baby, strong enough to smother it.
Truth: Call security up here.
(The human begins pouring Coca-Cola on a desk full of important information and maps)
Vince: Here’s some cola drink. Wine, coffee, cola, vodka, teletubby sweat, dog blood, that Drain-O your son tried to drink last night, Fecal matter, milk…
Mercy: Three Elites are on the way to slaughter him. But we must kill the heretic as well.
(A plasma bolt rips into the grunt’s head, Vince runs up with his ShamWow)
Vince: Not only is the damage gonna be on top. See this (He pulls up a paper towel from the grunt blood) There’s your mildew. See that? That’s gonna fricking reek.
Truth: What is he doing?!?!?
Vince: Okay we’re gonna do this in real time. Watch. We put it on the spill, without applying any pressure, 30% of the blood, gone. You getting this asshole? Now the other 50%...
(He begins pounding the towel on the blood)
Vince: The color starts to come up. You’re not going to get that from an ordinary paper towel.
(The three elites burst in with rifles at the ready)
Elite Captain: Shall we destroy him now?
Truth: Wait! Tell me more…
Vince: ShamWow, you’re gonna be saying WOW every time.
Mercy: Well then! All I can say is Sham-WOW.
Yes, that’s right. The Covenant were stupid enough to place 50 million orders for a Scam Wow. That’s just a terrible idea, and a rip-off at that. Eventually they decided to use the ShamWows for something more practical, such as painting over it and calling it Unggoy armor.
Besides the pure stupidity for buying ShamWows, the Covenant decided they’d need a better scarab after what happened in New Mombasa in Halo 2.
Elite Captain: This is the greatest craft in the Covenant ground fleet. No one could possibly destroy it.
Aid: Sir! The demon Master Chief is on scanners sir!
Elite Captain: Let me see…he’s armed with an empty magnum, an SMG with 7 rounds, and one frag grenade. He is without a doubt the worst Spartan I’ve ever heard of.
Aid: But you have heard of him!
Then, they were embarrassed yet again when the Brute owned Scarab was stolen while trying to activate Halo on Installation 05.
Brute Captain: Now that the Scarab on Earth has been destroyed. THIS is the greatest craft in the Covenant ground fleet. No one could possibly destroy it!
Aid: Sir! The heretic Arbiter is on scanners sire!
Brute Captain: Let me see…he’s armed with a half depleted sword, an empty plasma pistol, and one grenade. He is without a doubt the worst elite I’ve ever heard of.
Avery Johnson: This thing is mine now you gorillas!!
(The Scarab leaves the area and begins destroying wraiths)
Aid: They’re stealing the ship!
Brute Captain: BLOODY PIRATES!!!
This was all fixed in Halo 3 when the incompetent pilots were replaced with the worms Toyota used to create hunters. The shape also drastically changed to make it look like a scarab instead of a walking steel basket. Now for some official facts!
The Scarab is meant to assault heavily defended structures and barriers and to give quick unstoppable support for Covenant troops on the ground. It can also deliver Covenant ground troops to their destination through heavily defended areas; this could mean death for the defending troops, such as the UNSC Marines. Unlike most Covenant ground vehicles, the Scarab does not make use of a Boosted Gravity Propulsion Drive for movement. Instead, it uses four large, powerful legs to traverse terrain most vehicles cannot, including climbing over buildings, trenches, mountains and other obstacles.
If only the humans could’ve gone straight up Luke Skywalker and tied up the legs with a cable thingy and make it fall. This could probably be done with a Hornet, but I doubt you could find a cable strong enough…
Billy Mays: Hi!! Billy Mays here with Mighty Putty! Are you trying to save the human race! Well for only 19.95, you can…
Master Chief: Enough…
(Master Chief roundhouse kicks Billy’s head off)
We didn’t need Billy Mays anyway, or the UNSC for that matter. If we really wanted to, we could’ve had Chuck Norris eat human babies and then crap out Delta Force commandos. But that would ruin dramatic tension.
Scarabs are quite notable for their intimidating, spider-like appearance, large size, and massive firepower. Their legs are surprisingly swift and accurate for their size, and were even able to find holds in narrow places, such as a canyon on Installation 05 or the streets of Mombasa. These legs can also be used as weapons, as a monstrous pointed leg is able to crush anything that happens to get in its way, such as a truck. A Scarab's legs can be destroyed with enough firepower.
So it’s big, and accurate? It’s large but has excellent reflexes? Quite an oxymoron, but if it could crush a truck I’d back off.
The Scarab can hold squads of Grunts and Jackals, as well as a few Brutes or Elites to prevent it from it being boarded, if anything managed to get close enough. They have been used in many battles against enemies, such the Battle of Reach, both battles of Earth and the Battle of the Ark. If a Scarab did get boarded, and there were no surviving Covenant troops on board, the Scarab could be eliminated by destroying its vulnerable reactor.
That’s right! Blow it up from the inside! No one’s ever used that idea before, ah well. Just be happy the Covenant thought of it before the Communists did. Better dead than red.
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: PROWLERS: IT’S A BOBSLED FROM HELL!
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Post by Mizagium on Mar 17, 2009 15:40:40 GMT -5
tl;dr
I don't know anything about Halo, or this would be more profound.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Mar 17, 2009 15:46:11 GMT -5
its still freakin hilarious
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