Warhammer 40k Primarch Funny

[Major Xeno]

lady does a40k Primarch thing. 98 pages... I'll try to get them all.

Xxxx

Cut to the interior of a warm pub on a backwater Daemonworld, where the average technology level is comparable to 12th century Europe, where soap is non existant and everyone still thinks the horse and cart is an awesome invention. Here we zoom in upon a table in corner, where several huge individuals dwarf the room and furniture as they chug back entire ale kegs and laugh with voices that shake the room.

Angron: "... and then I said to the Inquisitor 'Smite THIS!' and I cut his head off!" <bangs on table, causing small earthquake in a nearby country that kills thousands>

Fulgrim: "Just like the fifty thousand beforehand. Your capacity for imaginative decapitations must hold no bounds".

Angron: "... er ... why thank you".

Mortarion: "He's being sarcastic you simple-minded fool. You've wasted the last five decades with your endless talks on conquest".

Fulgrim: "Inelegant conquest, full of mindless slaughter - has no style at all".

Angron: "Well at least I'm doing something. What have you guys done for the last ten thousand years while Ezzie makes us all look bad with his Black Crusades?"

Perturabo: "Speaking of which, the last one sucked".

Magnus: "What did thou expect? It was the twelth sequel".

Lorgor: "They do tend to go downhill from Part 3 onwards ..."

Angron: "Like your books, what volume are we up to now?"

Lorgor: "Book 675,893,920,910".

Mortarion: "And the plot's still awful ..."

Lorgor: "They're religious teachings you pestilent philistine! As if you could compare those endless depressing poetry you write on your Planet of Smelly Emo's".

Mortarion: "No one understands me ..."

Magnus: "Looks like Konrad's postion as Fangirl Angst Fodder has been filled ..."

Fulgrim: "Has anyone may or may not have heard from Alpharious lately?"

Magnus: "He may or may not have sent me a warp-mail of update, I really can't say".

Angron: "He's as annoying as our loyalist brothers. Where the hell are most of them?"

Fulgrim: "I find it hard to believe the Imperium could misplace a Primarch ..."

Lorgar: "Well at least they're not doing anything to make us look bad".

Angron: "No, a first company captain's doing that fine by himself ..."

<reflective silence>

Mortarion: "We suck ..."

Fulgrim: "Thankyou Mr. Razor Blades to the Wrist. Magnus, want to say something to liven things up? Your patron God is the warp-spawned entity of Hope".

Magnus: "Well, with Apocalypse being released maybe we might get some attention, despite the latest Chaos Codex being devoted almost entirely to upstart newbies who wouldn't know their Daemonhost from their Chaos Spawn".

<reflective silence>

Angron: "Fat chance ... anyway, Lorgar it's your round".

[Major Xeno]

Chap 2:

Lorgar: <placing six giant kegs of vaguely alcoholic liquids upon the table, which begins to groan under their combined weight> "There we are gentlemen! Gore Ale for Angron ..."

Angron: "Ooh .. chunky bits!"

Lorgar: "Romulan Ale for Fulgrim ..."

Fulgrim: "So blue and pretty ... it brings out my eyes!"

Lorgar: "Butterbeer for Magnus ..."

Magnus: "With complimentary Hogwarts student! How adorable!" <pops the kid in his mouth and begins chewing> "Hmm ... magical angst goodness".

Lorgar: "Liquid T-1000 for Perturabo ..."

Perturabo: "Excellent, it can terminate the ulcer in my stomach ..."

Lorgar: "And Budweiser for Mortarion ..."

Mortarion: "Hmm ... so fil-"

Lorgar: "Careful, we're not immune to the Chaos God of Lawyers and his Greater Daemons of Sue".

Mortarion: "..."

Fulgrim: "And what did you get Logy boy?" [Author's Note: If you could try and imagine Fulgrim speaking and acting like the parody of Maximilian Pegasus from Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, you might get where I'm going with this]

Lorgar: "The blood of innocents, of course".

Angron: "And served with complimentary little Hawaiian umbrella".

Lorgar: "Erm ... it reminds me of my holiday ..."

Perturabo: "That explains the chains of flowers hanging around your neck - goes nicely with the bleeding skulls, by the way. How was it?"

Lorgar: "I'm still on it. An author needs to escape the trials of modern life to seek his muse, and my audience demands that I be in top form for my latest publication!"

Magnus: "What is it?"

Lorgar: "Chaos For Dummies, part of my contract with John Wiley & Sons, to spread true understanding of Chaos to the masses to counter the lies and propaganda of Ecclesiarch Merrett".

Angron: "Stuff Merrett, I want a piece of Blanche - his portrait made me look fat!"

Fulgrim: "But you are fat Angron dear ..."

Angron: "Size 56!"

Fulgrim: "Which is the new 89, everyone knows that".

<before Angron could reply, the door bursts open to reveal the portrait of two immense figures, radiating sheer awesomeness out of every dent and hole in their ancient armour>

Corax: "We've found them!"

Leman Russ: "MAGNUSS!!!"

Magnus: "RUSS!!"

Angron: "RUSS!!"

Russ: "ANGRON!!"

Lorgar: "Mortarion, Perturabo, Fulgrim, Corax, Russ, Magnus, Angron, myself. Now we're introduced ... again ..."

Russ: <holding giant spear high above his head> "TRUTH OF THE EMPEROR PURGE THE CORRU ... wait ... is this a pub?"

Fulgrim: "Yes Russy boy, want to join?"

<Russ instantaneously appears next to everyone by the table with an immense keg of ale that dwarfs himself>

Russ: "Why not. Been bloody ages since I got meself a drink. Canna feel me toes anymore, been fighin since I got ere and frankly cou do wit a drink! Buge up Magnus ya big lump and make way for Corax". [Author's Note: I'm so bad at writing a Scottish accent. )

Corax: "We really shouldn't ... oh maybe a little one".

Lorgar: "What about your self-imposed alcohol ban?"

Corax: <winking> "Nevermore".

Magnus: "If anyone's interested, that sound you're now hearing is Edgar Allan Poe spinning in his grave".

Russ: <unleashing a massive belch> "Who cares? MORE BEER!"

Lorgar: "Fulgrim's round ..."

Fulgrim: "Sorry, daddy cancelled my credit card after Istvaan".

?: "My round brothers!"

<collective gasp>

All: "Alpharious?!?!"

Mortarion: "Yes! I SOOO won that bet!"

[Major Xeno]

Chap 3:

<Some time later ...>

Lorgar: "Well, it seems we've all managed by the wonder of narrative coincidence to end up together in the same pub on the same Daemon world, despite a fair number of us still declaring our loyalty to dear old Dad".

Russ: <arm around his considerably larger brother Magnus, both quite drunk> "AN' T'Y CALL'D IT ... PUPPEE LUVEE!!!"

Perturabo: <two of his hands over his ears, the others occupying themselves with making a cocktail> "If anyone wants to remind them of Preferred Enemy, by all means ..."

Rogal Dorn: "Russ, Magnus, stop singing. If your Legions could see you now ..."

Russ: "<snif> Legions ... talk aba't Legions laddy. Tha' tw't Guillim'n reduc'd mine to a piddly Chapter!!"

Dorn: "I want it down on record I said it was a stupid idea".

Lorgar: "As stupid as agreeing to a house of cards challenge with Perturabo when you only have one hand?"

Dorn: "Like hell I'm going to let him build a better house than me!"

Perturabo: "Look at this - gun turrets and a in-built Earthshaker cannon!! Beat that Dor-knob" <leans down to stare at Dorn's effort> "Is it a cottage?"

Dorn: "It's an impregnable fortress!"

Perturabo: "So that Nurgling is ... what? Not using that card there as a revolving door to walk in and out in a mocking gesture?"

Dorn: "Damn it! Mortarion - control your pets!!"

Mortarion: "How about this?
Oh my pain, it never ends,
Burning within my tortured breast,
Despair without end, without respite,
eating within like a ravenous beast,
Oh how I wish to die, to leave this world,
to disappear without a trace ..."

Corax: <crying> "So beautiful, it speaks of your heart ... how I feel it!"

Lorgar: <on MSN Instant Scrying> "Ezekyle, could we borrow Drach'nyen for a moment? No?" <turns to Fulgrim> "Where did you put Anathame?"

Fulgrim: "Screw swords, between Russ and Magnus' duo and Mortarion's poetry I believe the time is finally upon us ..."

Lorgar: "Indeed" <turning back to the open chat-rune> "when's the next Crusade?"

=================================

ADVERTISMENT: Catch Russ and Magnus' debut album Dark Side of the Rune, released in stores this month. Featuring their top ten singles "Puppy Love (I'm Just A Space Wolf)", "It's A Kind of Magic (Sorry About Your Webway Dad)", "Hey Jude (You Look Corrupted)", and the no. 1 "Wannabe (Your Primarch)".

[TEAM_DERRICK]

how delightful

[Major Xeno]

Chap 4:


Sometime later, between the Cadian Gate and the Daemonworld of Karagraxis Parodio, the great vessel Vengeful Spirit III (questions about the first two are frowned upon by the Establishment) hangs in deep space as the armada grows ...

Ezekyle Abaddon, Warmaster of Chaos, The Despoiler, Destroyer of Worlds, Cosmopoliton's No. 2 Most Eligible Bachelor 999.M41: "See? Do you witness the power I command?"

Angron: "Impressive, indeed."

Lorgor: "I stand in awe ... truly none of us can match your abilities".

Magnus: "Did I not say to deny him Australia from the beginning?"

Mortarion: "Risk is stupid ... this game is just stupid ... Terra doesn't even look like that anymore. Where's the Imperial Palace?"

Magnus: "Europe".

Mortarion: "What ... all of it?"

Lorgor: "Someone help me ignore him, his stupidity has reduced my IQ to triple figures and its still falling ..."

Angron: "Pity we had to leave Corax and Leman behind".

Lorgar: <shrug> "They got free tickets in the post to Khan's gig in Commorragh - part of his Webway tour through all the major Dark Eldar cities".

Angron: "Who would have thought - our brother, Arena superstar".

Perturabo: "Feeling jealous?"

Angron: "Non-stop X-rated violence of the bone-snapping, flesh tearing, tendon-ripping, animalistic kind?"

Perturabo: "And that's just the after-game sex with the Wyches, I hear the actual concert content is even more hardcore".

Magnus: <pulling out the brochure (in Eldar) and reading> "X-treme painting ... hardcore philosophy ... and stand-up comedy banned in 15 galaxies and a demi-plane".

Perturabo: "Not what I expected from the Kabalite Eldar ... where's the spikes in philosophy?"

Lorgar: "When you make a good point?"

<silence. A bird whistles>

Abaddon: "Who summoned a Lord of Change?"

Mangus: "Ahriman's had it hidden in his pocket since turn one".

Ahriman: "It was supposed to give me tactical advice! Damn thing lied!"

Lord of Change: <poking a small beaked head from within Ahriman's pouch> "Sorry ... thought you were playing Monopoly".

Ahriman: "That explains why I can't find Park Lane ..."

<footsteps echo throughout the chamber, heralding the approach of a large group of individuals>

Abaddon: "Finally, the Mournival approaches!"

Perturabo: "I thought that was disbanded when everyone but you died?"

Abaddon: "I had their souls torn from the Warp and forcibly implanted in animated suits of armour. Kudos to Ahriman for the help, BTW".

Ahriman: "I'm getting good at it ..."

Magnus: "Hmm ..."

Ahriman: "Look I apologised, OK?"

Magnus: "Don't worry ... apology accepted. It was a kind gesture to give me J K Rowling's soul".

Ahriman: "Heard you were a Harry Potter fan, so I thought ..."

Abaddon: "We don't care. Ahriman, your presence is needed in the Mournival"

Lorgor: "What about us?"

Abaddon: "We will be discussing minor issues not worthy of the ears of such great individuals. You can stay here and continue to sample the fine service of our ship's bar."

<Abaddon and Ahriman leave>

Perturabo: "Did we just get blown off?"

Lorgor: "Looks like it. Shall we demand to be present in the meeting by killing them all and offering their souls to the Gods?"

<Fulgrim appears with drinks>

Fulgrim: "New round boys!"

<everyone looks at the drinks>

Perturabo: "Maybe after this round ..."

Lorgor: "Maybe Mortarion's right ... we do suck ... we can't even stand up to a first company captain!"

Mortarion: "Warmaster now Lorgor".

<a great bright light blinds all, and a thunderous voice echoes throughout the bar causing all glasses to shatter, and all packets of crisps to be dropped in a shower of delicious food to the hungry Nurglings that cluster around the floor>

?: "THERE WAS ONLY ONE WARMASTER! EZEKYLE ABADDON IS NOT HE!"

<a shining figure appears, wings outstretched, his armour gleaming, and a large red cloak billows behind in an over-the-top manner>

Lorgor: "Oh damn, it's you ..."

Sanguinius: "Indeed. Such a sorry state to see my brothers, back-stabbing lot you are, reduced to such a pitiful display. What would Horus say if he could see you now?"

Fulgrim: "'Next round's on me'?"

Sanguinius: "WRONG! HE WOULD DEMAND YOU TO STAND UP AND DECLARE YOUR NAME! FOR YOU ARE SONS OF THE EMPEROR - PRIMARCHS! GODS AMONGST MEN". <reaches behind and retrives the other Talon, mysteriously absent from background fiction and the recent HH artwork> "HORUS IS DEAD, AND IS NOT HERE! BUT IN HIS TALON - HE LIVES ON! ITS CLAWS POINT TOWARDS HEAVEN!" <pulls down spiky red sunglasses> "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!?" [Author's note: this might be lost on a lot of people, but the homage was too amusing not to include]

Mortarion: "YES! FIGHT THE POWER!"

Angron: "ARMAGEDDON! ROUND TWO!"

Magnus: "FENRIS WILL BURN!!!"

Lorgor: "I CAN GET PUBLISHED OUTSIDE THE EYE DEMOGRAPHIC!!"

Fulgrim: "TO BE FREE OF THIS DAEMON!!"

Perturabo: "What Daemon?"

Fulgrim: "Apparently I've had one all along, and it's been possessing me".

Perturabo: "Since when?"

Fulgrim: "The new HH stuff. Yeah, caught me by surprise too".

Perturabo: "Oh, anyway ... TO DESTROY TERRA!!!"

<door opens>

Abaddon: "Guys, could you quiet it down a little? We're in a meeting next door".

All: "OK ..."

Abaddon: "Cheers".

<door closes>

Sanguinius: "You guys suck ..."

Lorgar: "Shut it pretty boy ..."

==============================================

ADVERTISMENT: Khan's Webway Tour - coming to a Dark City near you!!

==============================================

Author's Note: In case you're wondering where Alpharious went? He's still there. Being the master of disguise and all-round awesomeness he is any of the above may be attributed to Alpharious instead of the stated character. He's that good.

Second Edit: In case you're wondering about Cosmopoliton's No.1 Most Eligible Bachelor? Eldrad Ulthran. Caught me by surprise too.

(Isn't he dead?)

[Major Xeno]

Question and answer time!!


Originally Posted by Progena
Oh, and is there a reason why you keep changing between "Lorgor" and "Lorgar"? Am I missing a subtle reference here?
No, that's just me not spell-checking my post before clicking on the 'send' button. I blame Alpharious and those damn sneaky Alpha Legionnaires.


Originally Posted by Progena
EDIT: And Leman Russ as a Scotsman? Every Einherjar in Valhalla just cried a bit there (in a very manly "I'll kill you if you laugh" sort of way)...
Apologies for not respecting the Space Wolves' viking influence, I'll throw myself before the Great Wolf and hope he'll take mercy on my soul. Maybe I'll get away with only having to down a mere three kegs of Fenrisian Ale.


Originally Posted by Lord_Crull
I have an idead, Konrad Curze's decapitated head in a jar Futurama-style shouting insults at people and mocking them.
Hmm ....

= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

Perturabo: "Is it agreed then brothers? When the head-" <wiggles the severed head of a poor unfortunate Thrall> "-hits the table, we all stand and make our way to Abaddon's Auditorium and demand that we personally lead the final assault upon Cadia! Creed's head is every piece ours as it is his, for are we not gods amongst men? The original Pri ... what is it Magnus?"

Magnus: "I feel compelled to point out the innaccuracy of calling ourselves 'Gods'. Approaching the matter from a strictly scientific principle we are merely hyper-enhanced biological organisms built upon the base genetic profile culled from that of Homo Sapiens - Homo Sapia Primarus, I believe would be an accurate raping of the Latin language in the guise of 'High Gothic', which I feel compelled to point out only bears a passing resemblance to the Latin spoken by-"

Angron: "SNORE"

Lorgar: "Angron you don't say 'snore', you just snore ... like thus ..." <snore>

Angron: "Sorry, still getting used to this ... this ..."

Lorgar: "Sarcasm Angron. Best place to start learning the subtle art of wit, being the lowest form of".

Angron: "Ah ... sarkasm. Yeah. That thing".

Mortarion: "Why bother? Not like there's anything in his mind but hitting things with other things".

Angron: "Shut it emo boy".

Perturabo: "Angron, Mortarion, Lorgar, and especially you Magnus - shut it!" <chuckling can be heard from beside Perturabo's huge Daemonic form> "What?"

Sanguinius: "Sorry, I'm just basking in the combined Loser Rays eminating from all of you. It makes my skin ever so soft ..."

Fulgrim: "Oh let me feel ..." <rubs Sanguinius' cheek> "Ooh ..."

Perturabo: "Err ... yeah. Getting back on track ... let me rephrase myself: We are Primarchs! We led the Legions across the galaxy and reclaimed what was ours! We are generals without pier! Warriors without eq-... what is it Magnus?"

Magnus: "Erm ... just a little correction." <Perturabo groans> "In a recent poll conducted by Time Magazine, only five of us made it into the Top 10 of 'History's Greatest Generals'. Two of us in the top five".

Perturabo: "Oh, who was the top?"

Magnus: "Eldrad Ulthran".

Perturabo: "WHAT? But he doesn't even lead! I can count on my un-daemonic spare hand the number of times he's got his hands dirty".

Magnus: "They say that it's because he doesn't risk the lives of his men by ensuring that they never get into wars is the reason why he won. They're quoting someone called 'Sun Zoo', or something, as proof".

Perturabo: "So they're saying the best way to do your job is to prevent there being a need for it?"

Magnus: "Essentially ... yes".

Perturabo: "... that's retarded. Moving back on topic, mainly because I'm getting tired of holding this head up, we're to storm in there and demand our jobs back-"

Mortarion: "From a first company captain ..."

Perturabo: <slams head down onto the table, where it explodes> "YES I KNOW HE'S A FIRST COMPANY CAPTAIN! HE'S NOT A PRIMARCH! HE'S NOT AN ALPHA-*******-LEVEL PSYKER! HE DOESN'T HAVE UNGODLY POWER AND STRENGTH AND CHARISMA AND EVERY-*******-THING UNDER THE BLACK SUN! I KNOW! But the point remains that somehow, by some sheer coincidence-"

Magnus: <whispers> "Will of Tzeentch"

Perturabo: "Will of Beaky Boy, by sheer unfair turn of events, Ezekyle 'This is not a ponytail - it's an expression' Abaddon is now in command of the Legions WE ONCE LED! While we sit here in this rather quaint Irish-style pub built onboard a Chaos-infested capital ship thirty-two thousand years after Ireland ceased existing (where's the logic there?) drowning our sorrows in cheap beer".

Lorgar: "And the real kicker is we can't get drunk".

Alpharious: "Not really fair is it?"

Lorgar: "Where did you come from?"

Alpharious: "I've been here all the time, I've just been masquerading as the banner at the top of the screen".

Lorgar: "Damn sneeky ..."

<rap music starts up>

Lorgar: "Oh crap ..."

Perturabo: "No .. not him"

Alpharious: "Chaos-damn-it!"

<door swings open, and a huge figure stands in the doorway dressed in blue armour covered with stylish bling>

Roboute Guilliman: "Hey bro's - what's up? How's my blood chilling, man?"

Mortarion: "Seriously who talks like that?"

Guilliman: "Do I detect some negativity from my little brother here? You know I don't stand for no negativity, not when I'm standing here being all awesome-like".

Fulgrim: "And the question must be asked - how are you standing there? The Daemon inside me is asking this ... not me ... I'm not in control of my body anymore ... thankyou McNeil ... <grumble>"

Guilliman: "Simple man - ain't no poison gonna be slowing me down. I'm too good for that, so I said 'Yo! Poison! Get out my body, man!' And the poison was all like 'wow - you Guilliman, you hardcore man!' And I'm like-"

Fulgrim: <whispers to Lorgar> "Get rid of him!"

Lorgar: "Why can't you?"

Fulgrim: "He's Graham McNeil's favourite Primarch! If I beat the crap out of him again next thing I know it won't just be a Daemonic sword possessing me, it'll be the scabbard, and the armour, and the bike! He'll make me the universe's plaything!"

Lorgar: "OK ... <sigh> HEY ROB!"

Guilliman: "and I'm like - yeah?"

Lorgar: "Abaddon's next door. He says the Codex Astartes is the biggest pile of crap he's ever read - worse than The Inheritance Triology".

Guilliman: "... HE WILL DIE!!!".

<Guilliman punches through the wall and exits>

Lorgar: "Simple and effective. Sorry Perturabo, you were saying?"

Perturabo: "I can't remember. Who's round is it now?"

<all faces turn to Sangiunius>

Sanguinius: "What? Oh that's great! Pick on the dead guy! I can't even drink!!"

Lorgar: "They do appletini's".

Sanguinius: "Who wants what?"

= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FIVE*** = = = = = = = =

[Major Xeno]

= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SIX*** = = = = = = = =

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

After a rude interruption by the recovered Roboute 'Ultrapimp' Guilliman and the psychic projection of Sanguinius, our (anti)heroes now find themselves once again gathering the courage to ask a certain ex-first company captain if they could be let in on the fun ...

Perturabo: "Could someone scroll up and check what I said last Chapter? I forgot to control-c the text ..."

Magnus: "And you wonder why Ferrus didn't let you near his computer ..."

Fulgrim: "He didn't let me go on it, and to think we used to be like this ..." <twists his first two fingers around each other>

Lorgar: "The mental images ... my head!"

Angron: "Allow me to extract them brother!"

Lorgar: "What in the Warp are you doing?!?!"

Angron: "It's just an axe ... won't hurt that much".

Lorgar: "It's not the axe I'm worried about, it's the Bloodthirster still holding onto it! Put it down, for the Gods' sake put it down!"

Angron: <puts irate Bloodthirster down, who promptly runs off carving his way through thousands of unfortunately-placed ship thralls> "Aww ... look at him go ... "

Lorgar: "For the love of ... anyway Fulgrim, if you remember Ferrus didn't particularly take well to the sites you visited and said content of that you downloaded".

Fulgrim: "I was just adding to the existing collection ... Ferrus' pron was dull and uninspiring ..."

Lorgar: "Yes ... perhaps ... but when the rest of us jokingly talk about rule thirty-four none of us want to see it taken to such lengths! I mean ... fruit, engine oil, zoatibix, and a squat?!? The mind boggles ..."

Angron: "That was one of the milder examples ... that one with the Eldar-"

Lorgar: "Lets not go there. Even /b/ was sickened by that. They've declared war on Gotto, though, which should give some amusing results ..."

?: "And the lulz shall be without comparison!"

Lorgar: "Speaking of the devil. Tick another one off Mort"

Mortarion: "Hey Ferrus, we're just waiting for Vulkan, Khan, Konrad and Lion to appear ..."

Lorgar: "It's your round by the way, Sanguinius paid up, Leman and Corax left some cash before the disappeared, and Alpharious stole Rob's wallet before he left to dish out some much-needed pimp vengeance on Ezekyle".

Alpharious: "I'm disturbed by the fact he has a picture of P Diddy in his wallet ..."

Lorgar: "Creepy ... anyway I thought you died at Istvaan? Seriously Fulgrim, can you actually kill anything properly?"

Fulgrim: "Do you know how difficult it is to kill something without blood staining these clothes? Do you know how much they cost?"

Ferrus Manus: "Relax Fulgrim. I cheated death by the power of retcon!"

Lorgar: "I'm sorry?"

Ferrus: "Fifth edition is upon us! Can you not feel the change in the air? Eager to capitalise on the success of the Horus Heresy product line, GW have recently announced a new summer campaign to coincide with the release of fifth Edition! They're brining us all back, releasing models and rules, and more plastic Space Marines!"

Perturabo: "Wait ... I do feel different. I feel ... like I have ... a characteristic profile!!"

Angron: <swings sword> "Weapon Skill 9? Not bad ... ah crap, the Avatar hits me on a 3+ ... how's that fair? Fulgrim punched one out in one shot!"

Fulgrim: "It's a Black Library novel, how many times have I told you I get stunt actors provided for major battles?"

Magnus: "Why aren't I immune to Perils? Where's the sense in that?"

Lorgar: "But you're a Gargantuan Creature!"

Magnus: "Which makes me immune to my own psychic powers!! FAQ GW?!?! DO YOU THINK WE CAN HAVE ONE NOW?!?!"

Ferrus: "I wouldn't bother. Dad's been asking them if he still has a backstory now for years ... haven't answered him yet".

Magnus: "A good point - where did the Sensei go?"

Lorgar: "Eaten by Tyranids?"

Perturabo: "So everyone's back?"

Ferrus: "Everyone".

Perturabo: "Including ... ?"

<doors burst open (again ... they're probably used to this by now)>

Horus, Warmaster, Primarch of the Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus/Black Legion/Whatever, Cosmopoliton's Sexiest Primarch of the Great Crusade 200 years in a row: "BROTHERS!!!"

All: "HORUS!!"

Lorgar: "You owe me money!"

Magnus: "You owe me a planet!"

Angron: "You just owe me!"

Horus: "Relax brothers ... all debts will be repaid in good time. Now, we have work to do!"

All: "Destroy the Imperium!"

Horus: "Ah ... not quite".

Lorgar: "What? What do you mean 'not quite'? What happened about the Long War?"

Horus: "On hold folks".

Magnus: "On hold? Then what's the summer campaign about?"

Horus: "We're joining forces with our brothers against the real, true, absolutely THE bad guys of the universe - the C'tan!!"

<moment of silence>

Lorgar: "#£&$ing C'tan!!"

[Major Xeno]

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S



= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =


Thought for the Day: In Tau Empire, dice roll YOU!!

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

After the shocking revelation that the long-awaited second coming was upon them, the Primarchs were less than enthused to discover that their eagerly longed for Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny was instead against the C'tan; beings that no one cared about until 3rd Ed.

Horus: "I'm sorry about this guys ..."

Lorgar: "Don't apologise Horus, we quite understand. Frankly, I'm just glad we're finally getting motivated. Now I can lead my legions of loyal book worms into battle at long last!"

Magnus: "My fellow nerds shall inflict their rage upon the galaxy!"

Ferrus: "My fellow Anonymous shall taste battle! The Day of Reckoning has arrived!! All Noobs everywhere shall suffer our wrath!!"

Horus: "Quite ... I see you all haven't changed much ... just got larger ... and more gribbly ... and a few more eyes ... or arms in your case Fulgrum ... except Sanginius and Ferrus ... you guys haven't changed".

Ferrus: "The downside of being loyalist - limited Armoury".

Sangiunius: "Artificer Armour and Iron Halo; I never leave home without them".

Ferrus: "No one does, unless you're wearing Terminator Armour".

Sanguinius: "Ooh no ... that just makes me look fat. And you try flying in the damn thing ..."

Ferrus: "Mephiston manages it".

Sanguinius: "Well Mephiston can just go bite my-"

Horus: "Calm down girl, you're making Mort cry".

Lorgar: "Everything makes Mort cry".

Mortarion: <crying> "No it doesn't!!"

Horus: "That's enough! All of you! Now we're needed in the Auditorium to tell the Mournival what they should be doing. I can't believe Ezekyle's been running things for the last ten thousand years by himself and hasn't managed to destroy the galaxy five times over already. Disappointing".

Perturabo: "Tell me about it ..."

Horus: "I know, I thought I raised the kid better ... maybe if Torgaddon ... no we'll just have The Black Crusade Show! every couple of millennia ..."

<they exit the pub, and walk the dingy corridors towards the Autitorium. Suddenly, the screen shatters!>

Perturabo: "What the hell?"

<two Bloodthirsters appear>

Horus: "It's a random encounter"

Lorgar: "A what?!?"

Horus: "Sorry, forgot to mention. Relic are doing a tie-in RPG for the summer campaign".

Lorgar: "And they have random encounters??"

Horus: "It's Japanese-style".

Perturabo: "Where the hell did they come from? Where they hiding behind the walls? Seriously - how did we not see them? They're BLOODTHIRSTERS!"

Magnus: "I guess we failed our spot checks".

Perturabo: "BLOODTHIRSTERS!"

Magnus: "Hey, I didn't write the mechanics".

Lorgar: "Er Pert? It's turn-based and you rolled highest Initiative".

Perturabo: "What?"

Lorgar: "Turn-based. You should be used to it by now".

Perturabo: "But you can't do anything?"

Lorgar: "Nope".

Perturabo: "But they're right in front of you! JUST HIT THEM!!"

Lorgar: "Can't - your Initiative step".

Perturabo: "Oh for the love of ...

Attack - > Limit Break - > Iron Omnislash
Perturabo hits Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Perturabo deals 9,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Bloodthirster dies.

... thankyou!"

Lorgar: "You're next Horus".

Horus: "Thank the Gods, this battle music is starting to get repetitive ...

Magic - > Black - > Ultima
Horus casts Ultima!
Horus deals 99,999 damage to Bloodthirster!
Bloodthirster dies.

... there we go".

Perturabo: "What the hell? I thought the damage caps at 9999?"

Horus: "Break Damage Limit".

Perturabo: "Broken ..."

Horus: <grins> "I've spent ten thousands years grinding".

Victory!
Party gains 7,569 Gil
Party gains 6,789 XP
Party gains Phoenix Down

Lorgar: "Handy ..."

Perturabo: "XP? Is that contagious?"

Horus: "Ferrus, you're the gamer geek - you explain".

Ferrus: "Well ..."

Horus: "Congratulations party! Onwards - to the Auditorium!"

Mortarion: "Digs on Cloud".

Lorgar: "You can have Emo Boy ... emo boy ... I'll be Auron".

Magnus: "Damn ... "

Alpharious: "I'm Balthier!"

Magnus: "Oh double-damn!"

Lorgar: "Fulgrim, what's with the staff and outfit?"

Fulgrim: "I want to be Aerith*"

Lorgar: "O ... K ... " <slowly backs away>

= = = = = = = = ***CHAPTER SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

* Or Aeris, if you prefer.

[Major Xeno]

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day: Blessed be sock that is never lost, for many an Exterminatus was conducted by an irate Inquisitor with a single bare foot

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

After a rude interruption by a random encounter, our (sometimes) heroes press onwards, their XP quota satisfied for today, but the question has to be asked ...

Ferrus: "Where did Sanguinius go?"

Mortarion: "He vanished as soon as Horus appeared".

Horus: "Hah! The feathered cowered! Always a bad loser, remember the photo-shoot for Men of the Great Crusade calender way back when?"

Lorgar: "I remember the strop he went into after they insisted on placing you as 'Mr. December'"

Horus: "Good times ..."

Mortarion: "We're not going to have a flashback are we? Those things give me jet-lag ..."

Lorgar: "How the hell does that work?"

Sanguinius: "Halt!"

Perturabo: "What the ... ?"

Ferrus: "There you are!"

Angron: "Nice katana!"

Lorgar: "Nice yellow jumpsuit ..."

Sanguinius: "Save your breath Lorgar, for I have a 2+ Save against your sarcasm - and I passed!!"

Magnus: <flicking through rulebook> "Where does it say that?"

Lorgar: "Put the rulebook down Magnus, he's making a lame attempt at a joke, and a homage by the looks of his attire".

Horus: "So kiddo, is this the rematch?"

Sanguinius: "You better believe it! So come at thee! Let us clash swords and decide once and for all who should have worn the title of Warmaster!"

Horus: "Yeah ... with what? I have no arms".

Sanguinius: "What? Since when? How did I not notice that before?"

Magnus: "Well if people would put some ranks into Spot, maybe this wouldn't come as a surprise to you".

Horus: "My fault; I should have tought Abaddon how to undo safety straps on Lightning Claws. He got a bit impatient in his hurry to loot the gear he tore my arms off with the Talons. Unfortunately, while my uber-Primarch-regeneration skills have recovered from dad's 2nd Ed psychic megadeath blast, they can't regrow entire limbs. I need to get them reattached, which means finding out where Ezekyle put the damn things".

Mortarion: "Bummer ..."

Horus: "Tell me about it, I haven't-"

Lorgar: <cough>

Horus: "In millennia ..."

Lorgar: "Horus, try and remember this is a PG-13 forum ..."

Horus: "Sorry. Anyway, how about we put this on hold until I get my arms back?"

Angron: "You did OK against those Bloodthirster ..."

Horus: <whispering> "I don't have +Chaos to all my stats this time! What am I going to do, kick him to death?"

Angron: "Chuck Norris could do it ..."

Horus: "Leave grandpa out of this!"

Sanguinius: "Very well, this shall wait until the fight is fair!"

Perturabo: "That is why you lose ..."

Sanguinius: "Depends on the game; when did you last get a girlfriend?"

Mortarion: "Dude ... owned".

Perturabo: "Shut it!"

Horus: "Enough, the Auditorium is before us! Let us enter and instruct Ezekyle on the new order of things!"

Angron: "Hell yeah!"

Lorgar: "Angron, put the Bloodthirsters dow- ... wait, why have you attached them together with a chain?"

Angron: "My new invention - Blood-chucks!! Just swing them around and they do all the hitting for you!"

Lorgar: "My brain hurts ..."

<Horus kicks the door open, which squeels in pain and runs away>

Horus: "Ezekyle!!!"

<Abaddon looks at Horus from where he is held five feet above the ground by a very angry-looking Roboute Guilliman. He swings Drach'nyen through Guilliman without any effect>

Abaddon: "Horus! Do something! They took away the insta-kill function last edition!!"

Horus: "Fear no more! Curze!"

Konrad Curze: <appearing from the darkness to throw a small red & white ball before Roboute> "I choose you M'Lhindi!"

<the ball pops open, and a Callidus assassin appears. Thrusting her C'tan Phase sword into Roboute's groin. The Primarch collapses as everyone in the Auditorium winces and clutches their own respective anatomy. The Callidus grins, then pops back into the ball>

Curze: "Good girl. She levelled up from that encounter!"

Lorgar: "Konrad!! You're alive! And still collecting assassins so it seems ..."

Curze: "Indeed, I have a couple more Callidus' in my collection as well as Vindicare, Culexus, Evesor, and some Venenom".

Magnus: "Still no Vanus?"

Curze: <shakes his head> "That's an ultimate rare!"

Lorgar: "No matter, it's good to have you back. That just leaves Vulkan ..."

Vulkan: "Did somebody call my name?"

<theme music begins ...
Who's that cool-ass Primarch
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
(Vulkan!)
You're damn right ...

Who is the man
Who would risk his neck for a brother marine?
(Vulkan!)
Can ya dig it?

Mortarion: "Wait ... that doesn't even rhyme!

Lorgar: <dancing along with everyone else> "So? Just get down with the beat!"

Mortarion: "You're all sad ... if anyone wants me I'll be in my corner ..."


= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

Who's the lizard that won't know fear
When there's danger all about
(Vulkan!)
Right on

You see this lizard Vulkan is a bad mother--
(Lorgar: "PC-13!!")
But I'm talkin' about Vulkan
(Then we can dig it)

He's a complicated Primarch
But no one understands him but his flamers
(Vulkan!!)


= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER EIGHT*** = = = = = = = =

[Major Xeno]

little more patience, that I ask; Corax and Leman are still supporting Khan in his Webway Arena Tour. When they're finished (which is very soon) ...


P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER NINE*** = = = = = = = =


Thought for the Day: Asteroids are expensive. On a budget for the apocalypse? Order your Exterminatus now for a reduced Christmas price! Curtesy of your Friendly Neighbourhood Inquistion.

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

Rejoined with their dead, missing, and (in one case) supposedly-utterly-annihilated brothers, our (when they can be bothered) heroes now confront the object of ten thousand years of frustration - former first company captain, now self-declared Warmaster, Ezekyle Abaddon.

Lorgar: "I say we force him to listen to Mort's entire collection".

Perturabo: "By the Gods man! I know we're supposed to be evil, but there is a limit!"

Mortarion: <giant bundles of paper in his massive, pus-ridden hands> "Please! It'll be nice to read to someone other than Grandpappy Nurgle!"

Perturabo: "Warp help anyone other than the only sentient creature more depressed than you are who hears the poor excuse for 'emotional literature' that you call poetry".

Mortarion: <eyes begin to bubble with diseased-infested tears>

Perturabo: "Oh for the love of ..."

Horus: "Quiet, all of you".

Perturabo: "Hey, don't come back after ten thousand years and think you still own the place - we've moved on! We're older and wiser and we don't need you to tell us what to do anymore?"

Abaddon: "Oh really? And what, pray tell, have you done in those ten thousand years Horus hasn't been holding your hand?"

<silence>

Angron: "I failed to ravage a small hive world ..."

Peturabo: "That seriously didn't help Ang ... seriously didn't help".

Magnus: "Thanks Angron, what little self-esteem and confidence I have from being possibly the biggest nerd in the galaxy has now been violated like a fourteen-year-old Japanese schoolgirl in a Slaaneshi summoning ritual. From the bottom of my heart and with all the sarcasm I can muster, I thank you. Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be with Ferrus surfing 4chan ..."

Angron: "Sheesh ... a simple 'shut it' would have sufficed. No need for the graphic analogy ..."

Horus: "Abaddon, however, and for the first time in years, does have a point. You, collectively, including you my loyalist brothers, have done squat-all for ten thousand years".

Random Squat: "Hey!"

Horus: "Oh sorry, that was exceedingly politically incorrect of me".

Random Squat: "Damn straight!"

Lorgar: "I thought you guys were ret-conned out last edition?"

Random Squat: "Aye! But think about it! Our homeworlds ere eaten by the bugs, but just our homeworlds! We squats are everywhere; it's not as if the bugs can track all of us down no matter where we are!" <bursts into laughter!>

<A Lictor bursts from the shadows, pins the squat to the ground and quicky devours him, disappearing afterwards as suddenly as it had appeared>

Lorgar: "Yeah, you were just asking for that".

Horus: "Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, Abaddon's point ..."

Tarik Torgaddon: "Bloody hell! A point! Ezzi, make a point! We'll see pigs flying now eh?" <barrels a huge Daemonic elbow into Abaddon's side>

Abaddon: <rolling eyes> "Whatever. Allow me to reintroduce you to your Mournival Horus, this irritating excuse for a Daemon Prince is Torgaddon, previous second company captain, now permanent ship's jester".

Torgaddon: "See, when you become" <wiggles fingers> "'corrupted' by Chaos your main personality trait is enhanced to the point where anything else is forgotten, rendering you a two-dimensional caricature. Being the token 'funnyman' of the group, my entire existence is now built around making endless unfunny jokes about any situation that occurs".

Abaddon: "He will die again in a moment as well. Ahriman, prep another soul-binding ritual".

Ahriman: "Oh, for the love of ... OK someone get me another cute furry animal! I need something cute and innocent for the sacrifice!"

Thrall Wizard: "We've got Dakota Fanning out back".

Ahriman: "That'll do".

Abaddon: <gestures to a rather normal-looking Space Marine bound by various Daemonic Chains> "I'm sure you remember Garviel Loken?"

Loken: "Unbind me Ezekyle! Face the wrath of the Emperor! You will pay for your sins! Pay for the deaths of every innocent you butchered! In the name of justice and the Imperial Truth!"

Lorgar: "Has he always been such a ****?"

Abaddon: "He was the main character for the first three Horus Heresy novels, and being a Black Library main character is a walking self-righteous moralistic do-gooder just in case the reader is under the mistaken impression he's reading a Star Wars novel".

Loken: "If you had a lightsaber Ezekyle, it would be red ... so very red!!"

Abaddon: "Yeah, because we naturally colour-code villains for your convenience ..." <rolls eyes>

Lorgar: "That also explains the overabundance of spikes around the place in recent years ..."

Abaddon: "Yeah, I'm getting those all removed - health and safety hazards".

Horus: "Garvi still loyalist I see? Why do you keep him around?"

Abaddon: "To ignore him".

Loken: "If you hadn't turned traitor Ezekyle, we would be playing with Assault Cannons by now!! ASSAULT CANNONS EZEKYLE! HEAVY FOUR RENDING AWESOMENESS!! EMPEROR HELP ME I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!"

Abaddon: "I think he's annoyed about something ... anyway, lastly we come to Horus Aximand, who's opinions I do ocassionally listen to ... once a millennia or two ..."

'Little' Horus Aximand: "Cheers Ezekyle, it's good to see you again Horus"

Horus: "Likewise, although I think you need a new nickname. Can't call you 'Little Horus' anymore when you look like that. I don't have quite so many teeth ... or mouths ... or heads for that matter ..."

Lorgar: "And he's significantly larger than you ... by a good forty feet".

Horus: "Indeed ... Gargantuan Creature by any chance?"

Aximand: <grins>

Magnus: <looking up from the hololithic monitor> "A brother in Unit Type!"

Horus: "Excellent, now move your ungodly Toughness and Wounds over a bit so I can sit down next to Ezekyle ... you owe me some arms by the way".

Abaddon: "I'll have to ask Fabius to grow some new ones, I sold the old on WarpBay".

Horus: "What?!?"

Abaddon: "I needed the cash, and you'd be surprised how much people will pay for a piece of a celebrity".

Mortarion: "Then why won't any of my poems get a bid ...?"

All: "Because you suck!"

Mortarion: "And you wonder why I'm depressed all the time ... Loken, will you be my friend?"

Loken: "I may be the good guy but have to draw the line somewhere ... now if you'll excuse me - HEAVY FOUR RENDING!!!"

Abaddon: "THIRTY POINT TERMINATORS!!!"

Loken: "Ooh ... touche"

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER NINE*** = = = = = = = =


Oh when will the pain end?
The eternal suffering of my mind.
When will the pain be over,
it burns inside like a thousand knives.
Let me end, let me go,
pass into the endless nothing.
I wish to do, how I do so,
to leave this world and embrace
the entropic bliss of nothing.

Praise be to Nurgle!!
- "Entropic Bliss", by Mortarion.

[Major Xeno]

That's a pretty awesome idea. Don't think it'll pop up for a while yet (probably not until the next arc - yes I have 'story' arcs planned ), though.


P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TEN*** = = = = = = = =


Thought for the Day: Remember - when set alight, stop, drop, and roll those 6's!

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

With introductions between the two majors Chaos powers - the Primarchs of old, and the followers of Abaddon who have enjoyed a ten thousand year long frat party without the adults around - now complete, Chaos Undivided turns its matters to more important questions:

Lorgar: "I may be missing a small and possibly quite minor detail here, but how on Terra are we supposed to ally with a force we, truth be told, betrayed, then lost to, and subsequently spent ten thousand years of protracted religious warfare with?

Horus: "By restoring the Imperial Aetheism! ... I mean Truth!"

Lorgar: "Good luck, the Ecclesiarchy is as good as me when it comes to inciting religious fevor. Ten thousand years of religious zeal isn't going away overnight. Besides, there is one small flaw to your aetheist plan".

Horus: "Oh?"

Lorgar: "Gods exist - it's a scientifically proven fact".

Horus: "Science - you've betrayed us! How could you ally with the enemy?"

Strange woman: "Oh Horus darling ... don't you want me anymore?"
Stranger woman: "Oh ... how disappointing. Especially when he was so much fun to toy with ... like a little puppet with a pull-string ... a cheese pull string, with califlower ... so many catch-phrases ..."
Fat man:"What in the infinite hells are you babbling about?"

Bulky man:"Don't even bother, its mind works in ways beyond our understanding".
Strange woman: "Perhaps just yours ... we all know there's nothing much going on up there, darling, than thoughts of blood ..." <sucks her fingers absent-mindedly>

Horus: "I would say it's a plesant surprise to see you all here, but that would be the biggest lie since I sent out all those invites for Istvaan Mash-Up M.31!"

Lorgar: "The Avatars of the Gods!! I never thought they would be so ... stereotypical".

Strange woman - Slaanesh: "We go with what's best darling ..."

Fulgrim: "That's a fantastic little number there you're not wearing ... I do believe that miniskirt's so short it's inverted itself and destroyed several dimensions in the process".

Slaanesh: <I would say she adopts a seductive pose, but that's the default state of being for Slaanesh, so I'll tell you when she's not looking like a Luis Royo painting> "Why thank you my dear"
Mortarion: "Grandpa!"

Fat man - Nurgle: "Mort! Come to my arms!" <Mort runs to Nurgle, and promptly falls into the open, bleeding, pestilent chest cavity to curl up within the diseased organs of the horrifically obese Nurgle>

Lorgar: "Oh that's just gross ..."

Magnus: "Tzeentch! How's it going?"

Stranger woman - Tzeentch:"Somewhat obtuse, with minor infringements upon perpendicular territories. It's a maths equation that I shall enjoy with a slice of tea".
Mangus: "And you make no sense as always ..."

Tzeentch: "Leman cupcakes! Magnus you have no corollary turtle soup!"

Ahriman: "She says you've cut your hair - it looks good"

Magnus: "Ahri - you understand Tzeentch-speak!"

Ahriman: "What? Did you think I spent the last ten thousand years bumming out on the sofa? I've been doing homework; I'm fluent in over eighty thousand different languages, including net-speak".

Ferrus: "OHAI!"

Ahriman: "LOL! G2G!; I have a Dakota to sacrifice ..."

Slaanesh: "Hmm ... sweet little girls ..."
Ahriman: <shudders> "Ergh ..."

Angron: "Keep away from anything I want to cut up"

Bulky man - Khorne: "That's the spirit! I see you've learnt well! What's that you're holding?"
Angron: "Blood-chucks! My own invention!"

Khorne: "Tell me more ..."
Abaddon: "Is everyone here yet? I want to get this meeting started soon".

Lorgar: "Well we're still missing a few ..."

<doors burst open>

Abaddon: "Oh for the love of ... does anyone in this galaxy know how to open doors? THEY HAVE MOTION SENSES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

Leman Russ: "And they sensed my motion!" <deep laughter of the Brian Blessed kind>

Corax: "Pitiful ..."

Khan: <piercing stare>

Lorgar: "Russ, Dorn, Corax, and Khan! I'm glad you guys could make it. Good to see you again Khan!"

Khan: <piercing stare>

Lorgar: "Erm ... how have you been?"

Khan: <piercing stare>

Lorgar: "Good tour?"

Khan: <piercing stare>

Lorgar: "Erm ... well you're as talkative as ever ... I think we're ready to being now Abaddon ..."

Corax: "So this is Nurgle, good to meet you"

Nurgle:"Corax! I admire your poetry ... it speaks from the heart!"

Corax: "Finally someone who understands my pain!"

Lorgar: <rolls eyes>

Fulgrim: "RUSS! GET AWAY FROM MY GOD!! Slaanesh put him down - you don't know where he's been!"

Slaanesh: "Don't care darling ..."
Russ: "Wait, Slaanesh?!?! Ya said yer name wa Agnus!"

Abaddon: "Can Gods, Primarchs, and us 'mere' mortals take our seats before I start breaking out the Strength 8 hurt?"

<everyone ignores him>

Abaddon: "LAST ONE TO SIT DOWN GETS A FREE COPY OF THE DAWN OF WAR TRILOGY SIGNED BY C S GOTTO!"

<everyone is seated>

Abaddon: "Mortarion, sitting inside Nurgle doesn't count. So here's your book ..."

Mortarion: "TAKE IT AWAY! THE WORDS - THEY BURN MY PRECIOUS EYES!!"

Abaddon: "Right, agenda number one ..."

<mass snoring>

Abaddon: "It's going to be one of those days ..."

GREAT VOICE OF AWESOME: "THEN LET ME SIMPLIFY IT!"
<all eyes turn to the doorway, where a great golden weelchair is being pushed in by a cloaked figure. Upon the weelchair sits THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!>

Horus: "FATHER!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Horus! It has been too long!"
Horus: "I am sorry for what I have done, do you forgive me father?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Of course my son ... but you're still grounded for an eon".
Horus: <bows head> "I understand father ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "And I'm taking your Xbox away for the duration"
Horus: "Dad! I was going to play that when Ezekyle grew my arms back!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Tough ... and Russ, Sanguinius, Roboute, Corax, Vulkan, Ferrus, Khan, and Dorn please get up! Spend any more time penitent and I'll class it as worship, and you know what I do to worshippers?"
Lorgar: "The horror ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Lorgar still remembers. Right, Ezekyle, mind if I take over?"
Abaddon: "Do I have a choice?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:"Not at all. Right, I now with my powers of supreme awesomeness declare this Chapter ended!"


= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TEN*** = = = = = = = =


Dorn: "Wait ... haven't we forgotten someone?"


PART ONE END

[Major Xeno]

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S
PART TWO - THE FISH OF TIME
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER ELEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day: A Grot is for life, not just for Christmas. Give your Grot over to the Killer Kan Charity For Making Use Of Our Gretchin!

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

With the arrival of THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND!, the Forces of Currently Undecided Moral Stance now discuss the topic of great importance; the destruction of the C'tan and all they stand for!

Mortarion: "So what do they stand for?"

Lorgar: "I can' believe you actually pay attention to the opening narrative ..."

Horus: "Crappy retcons, Mort".

Lorgar: "I don't hear you complaining about the how we somehow got better from 'dying of old age' to being immortal"

Horus: "I love Realms of Chaos like a step-child who isn't ginger but even I'll be the first to admit that Humanity creating Khorne, Nurgle and Tzeentch by itself was a pretty stupid idea".

Tzeentch: "Peanut colon, sideways inuendo with cheese.
Slaanesh: "She says 'you wish'. Me, on the other hand baby, I'm all Eldar. One hundred and one percent ..."

Mortarion: "Looks like someone needs to learn basic maths again ..."

Slaanesh: "Don't make me come over there and give you affection!"
Mortarion: "Positive emotional connections! KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "When you two have quite finished?"
<silence>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Excellent ... now; onto more serious matters-"
Lorgar: "We're not shifting the tone of this script already are we?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "No we're not, now with all my supreme Merret-given powers of absolute awesomeness I demand SILENCE!"
<cricket chirps>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: <deathly gaze>

<cricket explodes>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Right ... where was I? Ah yes ... we're gathered here today, all of us-"
Dorn: "Lion's still missing"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "MOST of us - I'll give Lion a Warp-mail of this meeting's contents later when the lazy git wakes up - are gathered here today with the same single burning desire held within their soul!"
Lorgar: "You want to go back to the pub too?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? No!"
Angron: "You want a Bloodthirster-morningstar?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "How does that work? I MEAN NO!!"
Slaanesh: "Darling, I really doubt you want what I want ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "That we're in agreement over ..."

Ferrus: "Dad ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT PAYING FOR YOUR UNLIMITED WARPBAND ACCESS! You can pay for your own damned torrenting ..."
Ferrus: <shrug> "Worth a shot ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "ANYONE ELSE?"

<cricket chirps>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "REJECTED!"
<cricket is torn inside out, then explodes>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "For the love of ... OK, back to the main storyline ... THE C'TAN!!"
<general boos and hissess erupt from the audience>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Nice response ... these damn so-called 'Gods' must go! I cannot stand seeing highly advanced, super-intelligent, ultra-powerful immortal energy beings passing themselves off as deities".
Lorgar: "You were Gene Roddenberry in a past life weren't you?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I may have been ... but that's immaterial"
Slaanesh: <holding up a small pocket-dimension of Warp-matter> "No, this is immaterial!"
<cricket plays the drums - ba boom da!>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "NOT FUNNY!"
<cricket turns inside out, spontaneously combusts, then explodes>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "How many of the damn things are there?"
Abaddon: "Sorry, I've been meaning to call pest control for a while ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Get around to it ... right" <composes himself> "The C'tan are immensely powerful, and despite having playable stats for several editions now are significantly more powerful than we are. They also have legions of undying servants, and a good hold over half the Adeptus Mechanicus. Their insidious cult is spreading faster than an STI on a college campus - STOP GRINNING SLAANESH! - and within the century they could have a destructive hold upon the misguided citizens of the Imperium. We need to destroy this menace once and for all! To do to them what the Tyranids did to the Squats ... only without leaving a die-hard fanbase in its wake. With me so far?"
Peturabo: "Sorry you lost us when you said you weren't more powerful than the C'tan".

Russ: "Aye. Tha' concept takes some ge'in used to".

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: <shrugs> "Hey, I hit on a 3+ just like everyone else".
Angron: "Except against the Avatar ..."

<deathly silence>

Slaanesh: <GODLIKE RAGE!!!>
Khorne: "Word of advice - don't mention the ex-boyfriend. They have a history".
Angron: "Ah ... cheers"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Any further interruptions?"
<cricket ...>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Don't even think about it! The C'tan are powerful, but they have a weakness! We must strike them when they were at their most vulnerable, when they did not have the allies they have now! We must travel back in time and destroy them when they are young and weak!"
Magnus: "Time-travel? But this setting doesn't have such a science fiction staple!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "That's where you fail ... for this franchise does have a way of traversing time. When our universe was joined to that of Warhammer Fantasy Battles we shared the same small hope that one day Warhammer Armies: Fishmen will see the light of day! A small piece of background leaked onto the Warpnet spoke of the great deity of the Fishmen - THE FISH OF TIME!"
<dramatic music>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Wow, that cricket's actually quite useful. You may live my little furry friend".
Dorn: "But where may we find this Fish of Time?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "The Fishmen reside beyond the established canon background - beyond the Gates of Varl!"

Corax: "But how to pass through the Gates? They are protected by Deliberate Background Ambiguity!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "The Eldar hold the way! They alone know of the six Keys of Varl that will unlock the way!"Fulgrim: "The Eldar?"

Eldrad Ulthran, Cosmopoliton's No.1 Most Eligible Bachelor: "He speaks the truth! We Eldar are once again your only hope, pitiful Humans! HAH! Karma sucks big-time doesn't it?"

Abaddon: "How the hell do these people keep appearing inside the supposedly most heavily defended room in this ship! Where the hell is my security! Who's in charge of them anyway?"

Torgaddon: "Oh ... that's me".

Abaddon: <face-palms>


= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER ELEVEN*** = = = = = = = =


Six keys, eighteen Primarchs? Guess where this is going ...
__________________

[Major Xeno]

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWELVE*** = = = = = = = =

Ecclesiarchy Public Service Announcement: Fight for the Emperor, and you may die. Don't fight for the Emperor, and you will die. We like making choices easy for you.

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now find themselves aboard Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon's flagship, the Vengeful Spirit III, hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt to gain more than a polite mention in the next Codex: Chaos Space Marines.

With the knowledge of a great power, the Primarchs listen attentively to the reborn Eldar Farseer, Eldrad Ulthran-
Lorgar: "No we won't!"

Yes you will.

Lorgar: "No, bugger off!"

I am the Narrator, I have ultimate power over all of you. You will listen to what I say, and you will dance like the puppets you are. MWAHAHAHA!!

Lorgar: "You didn't just type maniacal laughter did you?"

Erm ... I might have.

Lorgar: "That's just sad - father!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "REJECTED! FOURTH WALL BREAKER ATTACK!"
ARRGGGH!!!

<Lastie is obliterated at the keyboard>

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:"I, the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! and all-round awesome dude I am, will from here take over the duties as Narrator ..
... starting now. Hey, this is kinda cool. Testing, testing ... can you hear me all right everyone?
All: "Yes! Now get on with it!"

Fair enough. Our story continues with the arrival of the Eldar witch Eldrad Ulthran, who, by the way, is far more uglier underneath his armour than Cosmopoliton would suggest, and that he won Most Eligible Bachelor repeatedly before me is a crime of the gre-
Lorgar: "Dad?"

Hah ... sorry, I ramble. This is kinda addictive, by the way. The power ... the power ... er ... anyway. Eldrad explains that the Keys of Varl are hid-

Eldrad: "Wait ... don't I get the chance to dialogue?"

Not on my narrative watch bi-

Eldrad: "Oh you did not just call me that!"

But I didn't ...

Eldrad: "You were going to ..."

Yeah, but ...

Eldrad: "Good enough for me - I cast TRUE RESURRECTION on the Narrator!"

Oh thank God for that. Cheers Eldrad!

Eldrad: "No problem, now buy my model and collect Eldar!"

Er ... I'll pass thanks. Right, Eldrad will now explain the Keys and the mission our brave heroes must endure to save the galaxy from the perils of the C'tan ...
Eldrad: "Damn straight I will. Gods, heroes, mortals, and crickets, I stand before you reborn from the clutches of the corrupted Talisman!"

Eldar aid: "Er ... sir? Use of 'corrupt' to describe Chaos is being discouraged ..."

Eldrad: "What?"

Eldar aid: "It's politically incorrect sir, and insensitive to our Chaos allies. They prefer if you would use 'alternative existential style' instead"

Eldrad: "Bloody hell ... oh very well: I escaped from the 'alternative existential styled' Talisman a new man, which greater powers, a new model - sculpted by Jes Goodwin no less! - and sexy new rules"

Ahriman: <reading Codex: Eldar, fifth edition> "You can use how many powers a Turn? That's just broken ... who wrote this anyway?"

Eldrad: "Not Gav Thorpe, I can assure you. He's too busy with the fifth edition Chaos Space Marines ..."

<deathly silence>

Mortarion: "I have a bad feeling about this guys ..."

Ahriman: <Bolt Pistol to ear> "What's that you say trusty Inferno Bolts? AP 2? Two wounds and a 4+ Invulnerable Save? Pete Haines made to play Thousand Sons at gunpoint? I sense a bright future ahead of us ..."

Perturabo: <reading over shoulder> "One wound Obliterators? Choose a single weapon for the entire game? There's backlash then there's single-minded vengeance!"

Magnus: "Oh isn't that sweet .. Gav and Alessio sent me a birthday card ..."

Perturabo: "WHAT? Oh now it's personal!"

emperor of mankind: "Personal vendettas against the designers will have to wait until the end of the campaign ... wait ... did you just spell my name in lower case?"

Yeah. What you going to do ... Tracy?"

emperor of mankind: "You did not just call me by my name?!?"

Eldrad: "'Tracy'?" <snigger>

emperor of mankind: "SHUT UP!"
Gods: "Hey Tracy!"
emperor of mankind: "QUIET!"

<cricket chirps 'Tracy'>

emperor of mankind:"I'm going to sit with Mort in the corner ..."
<cricket plays sad music on violin>

emperor of mankind: "Now that's just going too far"
Promise to behave?

emperor of mankind: " ... alright".
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "AWESOME! My name's back! Witness the awesomeness!"
Eldrad: "Witnessed ... whatever. Anyway, I'm back, all is good. Now it's time to kick ass, C'tanic ass that is. To pass through the Gates of Varl and obtain the power of the Fish of Time, one needs the six Keys of Carl!"

Lorgar: "Don't you mean 'Varl'?"

Eldrad: "No ... Carl. Don't you remember?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I had their memories wiped, along with all Legion records ..."
Perturabo: "Legions records? Who's Carl?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Primarch of the Eleventh Legion".
Horus: "There was a Primarch? I thought that was just a bad dream to conveniently explain away my surprisingly quick choice to side with Chaos?"

Tzeentch: "Curse McNeil for condensing my seven thousand page argument into four!"

Magus: "HAH! You can talk sense if you want!"

Tzeentch: "I wasn't talking sense; you're going insane so now you can understand me ..."
Magnus: "Oh ..."

Tzeentch: <whispering to herself> "So easy ..."
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:"Unfortunately not. As quite clearly stated in multiple publications all twenty Primarchs were found, although we had to get trid of two on the very logical grounds. In Carl's case - he was *********** lazy ... hey I'm the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! How dare you bleep my swears!"
Warseer rules ... sorry.
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "But I'm the Emperor ...."
Lorgar: "So what happened to him?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "He's still probably lazying about somewhere smoking, injecting, snorting and whatever else-ing various substances and watching endless repeats of Cheers in an effort to destroy what little brain cells he has left ..."
Dorn: "What was his Legion called?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:"The Fear Loathers ..."
Russ: "'an he has te keys?"

Eldrad: "No, unfortunately he lost them many thousands of years ago to pay for the entire DVD box set of Friends. Their current whereabouts are unknown, but I do have clues to set us going!"

Sanguinius: "Well tell us, and we shall be on our way!"

Eldrad: "Very well: Dorn, Perturabo, and Corax; there's a small Ork Empire to the galactic southeast that may hold clues to the Hope Key! Russ, Magnus, and Ferrus; head to Ruins of Al'cir, the Ancient Craftworld of Despair for clues on the Despair Key! Vulkan, Roboute, and Alpharious can tackle the Fields of Glory for the Glory Key! Mortarion, Sanguinius and Fulgrim can enjoy the lures of the Daemonworld of Ibris for the Desire Key! Khan, Angron, and Konrad can tackle the Endless Hells of Kith for the Battle Key! And Lion, Lorgar and Horus can talk to the Oracle of Oblivion for the Final Key!"

Lorgar: "Sounds like you know exactly where they are".

Eldrad: "Only becaused I scryed to the end of this plot".

Lorgar: "Fair enough, do we win? And look good?"

Eldrad: "Yeah ... whatever".

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Enough plot establishment! ON WITH THE CRUSADE! PRIMARCHS! ONWARDS TO GLORY!"

All: <rousing battle-cry>

<The Primarchs leave the Auditorium, eager to being their new quest>

Abaddon: "And what do we do?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Take back Terra now I've give my useless sons something to occupy themselves with".
Abaddon: "You mean that was all a lie?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!:"Of course! Fish of Time? What nonsense! We'll win this campaign the old fashioned way! Rolling lots of dice and killing things until they stop moving!"
Torgaddon: "Er ... sir? Phone call for you".

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Really?" <takes receiver> "Yeah?"
DECEIVER: "Hey, Tracy-dude! It's me, Deceiver"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Oh ... hi".
DECEIVER:"Just thought you'd like to know, as I'm sitting on your throne here on Terra: ALL YOUR BASE ARE - LIKE TOTALLY - BELONG TO US!"
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Damn you!"

DECEIVER: "I'M IN YOUR BASE, KILLING YOUR DUDES!!"
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: <slams receiver down> "Oh, now it's personal! Malcador!"
Cloaked man: "Yes sir?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Get me my Sword of a Thousand Truths! It's time to pwn some Necrons!"
Abaddon: "As soon as the Primarchs leave, set course for Terra! Never thought I'll be defending the place, of all things".

Torgaddon: "The irony eh?"

Abaddon: "Please stop talking ..."

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWELVE*** = = = = = = = =

[Major Xeno]

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S
= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THIRTEEN*** = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day: Blessed be the 3+ Save, for those who who wield it fear not the typically terrain sparse GW store gaming table.

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

We now join Lorgar and Horus aboard Horus' new flagship, the Ultimate Badass, as it journeys towards the last known location of the Rock, the fortress-monastary home of the Dark Angels Chapter.

Lorgar: "Wow, a new opening narrative".

Horus: "Indeed, it fits these desperate times. Hasten! Push these engines faster so we might reach the Rock and secure the help of our brother Lion El'jonson! Faster I scream! Faster into the depth of the Warp! Faster unto-"

Lorgar: "What the hell are you doing?"

Horus: "Getting into the spirit of things, you know ... over-acting? Just in case this scene is being recorded for a White Dwarf feature on the campaign"

Lorgar: "Putting aside the implausible concept of White Dwarf featuring anything but advertisments for Jo's Snotling Diner and Dame Dona's Daemonettes of Devilishy Delightful Duties, is it possible to get through at least one short story without being beaten to death by dialogue that seems to be written as an ode to George Lucas' writing skills? Because we all know what killed the Star Wars prequels ..."

Horus: "Over abundance of CGI?"

Lorgar: "No, the other thing ..."

Horus: "Hayden Christensen?"

Lorgar: "Isn't he a Daemon Prince? No, keep going ..."

Horus: "Jar Jar Binks?"

Lorgar: "OK ... fair point. I'll give you that. I was aiming for crappy dialogue, but I'll concede to your wisdom there".

Horus: "Score one for the H-meister!"

Lorgar: "Give me a card ..."

Horus: "What? Oww ..."

Horus reluctantly hands over Lorgar a small card with 'Coolness Factor' written on it.

Lorgar: "What did I say before we left the Vengeful Spirit III?"

Horus: "'We're not reducing this trip to another Merrett-style campy run around the galaxy. Every time I say something daft, cliche, camp, or Lucas-esque in its abuse of the English language and general glurge-i-ness you take a 'Coolness Factor' card away from me'"

Lorgar: "Good. Now how many do you have left?"

Horus: "Two ..."

Lorgar: "But I gave you fifty before we started! You can't have gone through them all already!"

Horus: "Well, there was the monologue as we set off, the one just after we entered the Warp, another ten minutes after that, and-"

Thrall: "Sir, I hate to interrupt this speech, and I know you're probably going to demonstrate your cliche villain status by killing me for no real reason other than to demonstrate your cliche villain status as soon as I stop talking, but you might want to know we're approaching the Rock".

Horus: "How do you know this? The Rock is one of the most secret and hidden locations in the entire Imperium. The Unforgiven only allow those they wish to know the location of the Rock ... to know the location of the Rock ... erm ..."

Lorgar: "And the giant mile-high neon sign saying 'The Rock Cafe - 1,000 miles this way' would be ... what? A coincidence?"

Horus: "I was just wondering that ..."

Lorgar: "I guess they've fallen on hard times, and realised the sheer logistical nightmare of the finances behind running a giant floating space fortress. I'd hate to think of that thing's fuel consumption, not to mention the electricity, heating and Warpband Internet bills they have to pay ... someone people just don't realise how expensive all this cool 'Giant Floating Space Monastary' stuff is!"

Horus: "Tell me about it. Dad faxed me the costs of the-" <wiggles fingers> "-'Heresy' just after we left".

Lorgar: "How much?"

Horus: "Lets just say I won't be buying a PS3 for a while ..."

Lorgar: "I feel for you mate. Helm - bring us around. Follow the giant pink flashing arrow ... I have a feeling something awaits on the other side".

Horus: "Hopefully they do milkshakes ... I feel like a strawberry and grox shake ... how about you?"

Lorgar: "The blood of innocents ... served with a little Hawaiian umbrella ..."

Meanwhile, just under one thousand miles away ...

Watcher in the Dark: "They approach ... kupo"

Azrael: "Do they? Have you found the Lion yet?"

Watcher in the Dark: "He is still missing ... my brothers are searching for him as we speak ... kupo"

Azrael: "Hurry, we must prevent them accomplishing their mission ..."

Back onboard the Ultimate Badass ...

Lorgar: "There it is!"

Horus: "How did we not see something so large until now?"

Lorgar: "Spot check penalties are exponential, I only get a +17 Wisdom bonus on my roll".

Horus: "Good point ..."

Thrall: "Sir, I hate to disturb your musings once again and I stand well aware of my shortening life span due to your all-round evil that will probably offer my soul as a sacrifice to the dark gods as soon as I stop speaking, but I have the Rock traffic control on line one, shall I put them through to speaker-phone?"

Horus: "Of course".

Thrall: "Not going to kill me?"

Horus: "What? No"

Thrall: <wanders off, muttering> "That's twice now. What kind of evil overlord does he think he is?"

Rock Traffic Control: "Unidentified vessel, you are approaching Rock space ... er ... space ... please state your intentions".

Horus: "This is Warmaster Horus of the Ultimate Badass! Which I am ... incidently ..."

Lorgar: "You named the ship just for that one-liner didn't you?"

Horus: "What if I did? We demand to see the Lion - I know he's just sleeping that hangover off!"

Rock Traffic Control: "You are mistaken ... the Lion slumbers in a place we cannot enter to recover from the wounds inflicted upon him by the arch-traitor Luthor ..."

Horus: "No, he and Luthor got drunk and blew Caliban up, but your version's cooler so we can roll with that if you want".

Rock Traffic Control: "I'd rather ... we're quite happy with most of the universe believing half of the Legion turned traitor and destroyed our homeworld, not that our Primarch had a drunken accident with a Giga-Fusion Device foolishly designed with an easy-to-press-large-red button".

Horus: "Well ... unless we're allowed inside ... I'm going to have to tell the universe. I can see it now ... WNN exclusive ... 'Primarch's Dark Secrets Revealed!'"

Rock Traffic Control: "That's enough blackmail ... you can come aboard ..."

Lorgar: "Nice one ... have a 'Coolness Factor' card".

Horus: <grins>

Moments later, after exiting the ramp into the dark bowels of the Rock, Horus and Lorgar walk down endless corridors, mysteriously deserted and oozing evil malevolence ...

Horus: "Wait ... I thought we were the evil ones?"

Lorgar: "No, we're Chaos. We embrace all morality and discard it as restrictive organisational boundaries established to bring order to a chaotic emotional state of sentient existence".

Horus: "Wait ... we embrace it and discard it?"

Lorgar: "How else can we talk about being evil yet not believe any of it?"

Horus: "That didn't make much sense to me either ..."

Lorgar: "I hope we don't trigger another random encounter ..."

Horus: "Don't worry I'm wearing No Encounter armour"

Lorgar: "Well that explains the lack of anybody"

Ominous Latin Chanting: "Estuans interius ira vehementi ..."

Horus: "What was that?"

Lorgar: "Wait ... I know this!"

Ominous Latin Chanting: "Estuans interius ira vehementi ... EL'JONSON!"

Suddenly a large figure descends from the darkness above and lands before the two Primarchs.

Lorgar: "I thought I recognised that music! It's El'jonson's theme tune One Wing Angle!"

Lion El'jonson: "Greetings ... brothers ..."

Horus: "Lion! Long time no see! Nice black leather!

Lorgar: "Nice katana!"

Horus: "And was your hair always this long ... and pale?"

Lion: "We do not ... have the time ... to talk ..."

With a speed that defies logic, Lion spins round to parry the blow of Azrael, who has also appeared from seemingly nowhere to attack Lion.

Lorgar: "For the love of ... I have got to put more ranks in Spot!"

Azrael: "Lion! I cannot let you leave!"

Lion: "You have ... no choice ... I will not ... be reduced ... to a memory ..."

Azrael: "But if the galaxy finds out! I'll never be able to look Logan in the eye again next pub drink-up!"

Lion: "The shame is ... my burdon ... to bear ... not yours ..."

Azrael: "No! I will not allow it! I have a reputation!"

Lion: "As do I ... that is why ... I must save ... the galaxy ..."

Our heroes are suddenly surrounded by dozens of small, robed figures.

Watcher in the Dark 1: "We cannot allow that Lion! ... kupo"

Lorgar: "Wait ... what?"

Watcher in the Dark 2: "Agreed. The Fish of Time must not be found! Otherwise all that we have worked for will be in vain! Kupo!"

Horus: "Who the hell are they?"

Azrael: "Watchers? What's this you speak of? Fish of Time? Have you your own agenda?"

Watcher in the Dark 3: "Of course, kupo"

Watcher in the Dark 2: "You're a fool Azrael ... kupo!"

Lorgar: "Kupo? You're Moogles?!?"

The head Watcher throws back his hood, revealing the dreaded red pom-pom of DOOM!

Watcher in the Dark 1: "That's right kupo!"

Horus: "When did this become a Final Fantasy crossover fic?"

Watcher in the Dark 2: "We've been waiting thousands of years, slowly putting together our master plan!"

Watcher in the Dark 1: "Ahem ..."

Watcher in the Dark 2: "Oh sorry ... KUPO!"

Azrael: "What evil plan do you small bundles of diabolic cuteness have to unleash?"

Watcher in the Dark 1: "To bring into this universe the greatest pacifier known to man ... the power of CHIBI!!! ... kupo"

Collective gasps of horror are heard from the Primarchs and Chapter Master.

Horus: "You evil creatures!"

Watcher in the Dark 1: "Indeed, and soon you too shall squeal 'SO KAWAII!!' before our overwhelming cuteness!! Kupo!"

Horus: "NEVER! This is a grim and dark universe, and with the powers invested within me by British pessimism it shall remain so! In the grim darkness of the forty-first millennium, there is no room for cute ... there is only WAR!!!"

Lorgar: "Have another card ..."

Horus: "Cheers".

Watcher in the Dark 1: "We shall see ... KUPO!! MWAHAHAHA!!!

Meanwhile ... on Terra ...

DECEIVER: Have we secured the Plot Device?

Necron Lord: "Yes, my lord. The Webway Gate has been activated and its energies stabilised with our superior technology".

DECEIVER: Excellent. I cannot enter the Webway, so I entrust this mission to you. Seek out the Black Library, and obtain for me the ULTIMATE WEAPON!!!

Necron Lord: "As you wish ... my lord"

We shall now leave our heroes on this cliffhanger, will they triumph over the power of chibi? How are the other five teams doing? What is the Great C'tan Masterplan? Will Horus find his arms? Will the Emperor reclaim Terra? All these question, and a few more, will be unnecessarily answered in the next few chapters!!!

[Myrdraxxis]

this...this is the most amazing thing I have ever read!!!!

[Major Xeno]

She has 99 chapters up.

[Mizagium]

I know nothing about Warhammer, but its still hilarious.

[Myrdraxxis]

well learn!

[Mizagium]

I don't care that much really.

[Major Xeno]

warseer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115241&page=1

Keep reading. It starts out as a legit forum, then LASTIE! takes over.