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Post by Mizagium on May 1, 2013 22:57:44 GMT -5
“Stop DOING that!” Jeffrey Valentine shouted once they portal had closed behind him. “I hate when they drop portals on us without warning…wait, now where are we?” Southryos was evidently far behind them. Now a verdant field stretched out before them, becoming rolling hills at the horizon. Somewhere in the distance, a knight fought a dragon. A castle flew it’s banners over the pristine lake, around which a quaint little village sat peacefully.
“Oh,” Jeffrey moaned. “We’re in one of THOSE places. Well folks, we stumbled into fantasy-land. Where to now?”
And then, as if by some form of magic-plot-device, a team of mean on horses road up to them. Four of them flew the local banners of the kingdom, while the fifth carried a scroll.
“Ah, so good that we caught you all before you wandered off,” the herald said stuffily. “It is our duty to inform all newcomers that the king has issued a quest for all able and willing: Whosoever manages to slay the dragons besetting our land shall be rewarded with the fabled Blue Keystone of Esteros, a mystical gem of uncertain origin and unexplored power.”
“Dragons, huh?” He looked beyond the horses. “Would that happen to be one of them?”
“Aye sir, and one of our bravest knights is valiantly—“
“Getting roasted.”
“What?”
The herald rared his horse in time to see the knight engulfed in flame and the dragon carry off his charred corpse.
“Ah, yes, well. It seems your competition has diminished. Good luck to you, potential heroes!” The men snapped their reigns and galloped off.
Jeff turned to his companions. “Should I have told him that we robbed a museum and killed a bunch of people?”
-
Evennia, Queen of Storms summoned her newest loyal servant, Zelmon to her tent.
“Zelmon, my loyal knight, I have a problem.”
“Anything, my lady.” The knight bowed.
“It seems the Keymaster’s errand boys have made it past my sister and are now somewhere in your homeland. I need you to go there and take care of this problem while I handle my sister.”
“It will be done, my lady.” Zelmon bowed again and took off. Esteros was not that far from Evennia’s camp. He had not traveled far to get to her, and he would not travel far to get back.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on May 1, 2013 23:15:21 GMT -5
"Ah, generic fantasy land." Magnus, having not so much fallen from the portal but floated inhaled deeply and grinned broadly. "Surprisingly, one of the most frequent places I've come across."
A second later three forms fell out of the portal, landing in a heap at Magnus' feet. Leske, Asher and Desmond collectively groaned as they pulled themselves up. Magnus eyed his retainers with amusement as they did so. "Ah, right. You three."
"Why does this keep happening?" Leske asked, dusting himself off.
"Because the plot wills it." Magnus said sagely.
"What?"
"Oh nothing."
Suddenly Magnus heard a rather high-pitched, almost girlish scream as another man fell from the portal. Magnus groaned when he saw who is was. "Oh no. Not you."
"Yes me! You fiends thought you could escape your crimes, but the Bread Wizard is here to mete out five slices of justice!" The Bread Wizard struck a ridiculous pose.
"You suck Bread Wizard." Leske, Desmond and Asher intoned in a rather bored and weary fashion. The Bread Wizard deflated.
"Right..well..." Magnus turned to Jeff. "Ignoring that for the moment, we should probably get on this whole 'quest' thing".
"Do we have to?" this time it was Asher lamenting their boss's words.
"At this point I think a heroic dragon-slaying quest is the only thing that will redeem us as the good guys." Magnus replied archly.
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Post by Sariel of Tevet on May 1, 2013 23:36:01 GMT -5
The Dayman stepped forward from the portal in a magnificent and sparkling fashion and placed a large, royal hand on Jeffrey's shoulder and then quickly removed and fell to the ground to feverishly wipe his hand off on the ground. The prince wishes for me to remind you all that he detests touching those poorer than himself, although the company he finds himself in at the moment does not bother him as much as other plebes do, these men have somewhat proven themselves in battle, despite their obviously lack of codpieces. I mean really, how dare they think themselves proper warriors without a dazzling codpiece. The codpiece is not only a stylish and awe inspiring symbol of ones social status, but it is wonderful for the ladies to look upon I hear. The prince orders that I apologize for my sudden digression, and wishes for me to return to his exploits, for he was about to make an important announcement to Jeffrey and the rest of his acquaintances (despite their low social status and filthy peasantry). After thoroughly removing the poorness from his royal palms, he stood in a royal pose. His magnificently purple and royal cloak flowing in the poor and vagrant filled country air, cod piece shining as brightly as ever (portal travel works wonders for genital decoration as you know), he thrust a royal fist into the air and pointed his index and middle finger into the magnificently royal V he could manage, and shouted with his royally perfect lungs, voiced reverberating across the field.
"I the The Incredibly Handsome and Much Much Better Than You Prince Ali-Hammurabi-dappapa-pastathopoulos-giannis-maleza-demetreus-qui-gon-jinn-julius of The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas, the 4th, Esquire, Jr., declares that myself alone shall thwart said dragon! All knights and warriors before me have surely failed because of their debilitating poorness. It is obvious for all to see that the poor charred "knight" from afar didn't even have a codpiece to protect his loins and glorify his boasting to the ladies of the kingdom after his unlikely victory(His highness wishes me to use quotations from now on when referring to knights, because a knight without wealth or codpiece is no knight at all). It pains me to see absolute disregard for fashion in such distressing times. With the power of my perfectly spectacularly infinite utility belt and codpiece, I will thwart the beast single handedly!!
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Post by blazinvire on May 2, 2013 3:43:35 GMT -5
A ghostly, demonic entity of bones and darkness rushed out of the portal like a predator about to land its prize, except stopped dead in the air and its arms slumped to its sides as it realized it was in a new area. And then it floated back to the ground, the shadows and bones fell away and Perish was left standing there, looking back at where the portal was with a thoroughly unimpressed expression.
"... Sure... just leave my army back there, I didn't need it anyway... not like I was going to invade some place or whatever," Perish grumbled, throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation before folding her arms with a pout of sorts. The fact that there was a dragon and a roasted knight and the Bread Wizard was here was more or less ignored by the grumpy necromancer, though the flamboyant whatever-his-name-was's monologue/introduction/poem of death was awfully difficult to ignore due to its length and absurdity. Thus it elicited a frustrated kick from Perish, who walked up and aimed a mighty boot to the Dayman's crotch from behind -and broke her foot for her efforts.
"Shoulda seen that one coming," Perish said through an expression of mild agony over her foot, kneeling down and holding the broken appendage in slight surprise. At least it snapped some sense back into her to realize killing a dragon should be entertaining.
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Post by Mizagium on May 2, 2013 22:33:59 GMT -5
Before our heroes could get going, the skies darkened and a great shadow descended upon them. Several tons of scales and claws crashed to the ground before them, glittering in the afternoon light. Two great leathery wings created gusts powerful enough to bend trees and topple engines of war. The dragon's eyes burned fiery red as it studied the newcomers with disdainful curiosity.
"Is THIS all Esteros has to offer?" The beast chuckled, which came out as a low rumble, like a far-off earthquake. Even the last group of knights had armor. Look at you all--pathetic. It's almost not even worth my time to..."
But the beast trailed off. "No. Can it be?" His eyes fell upon the Dayman, then very slowly descended his supple frame before resting on his codpiece. "My my my." Th dragon whistled loud enough to burst eardrums. "Quite an impressive codpiece you have there," he commended. "However, it pales in comparison to..."
The great monster reared up on his hind legs, revealed a codpiece of the utmost quality. Twice as long as it's body and just as thick, and decorated with an uncountable number of precious stones, the codpiece surely put all others to shame. Jeffrey was forced to shield his eyes from the brilliant light that radiated from the dragon's groin.
"Magnificent, isn't it?" The two front legs motioned along the length (what they were able to, in any case) for all to see. "This codpiece grants me power beyond you unfabulous mortal trash. In this land, I am known as FABIO-RIDLEY! And there is no codpiece as great as mine. You may as well turn back now or suffer the shame of an undecorated groin!"
Fabio-Ridley laughed again, and adjusted his pose to allow the most sunlight to reflect off of his bejewled codpiece, confident that his potential opponents would be too shamed to fight him.
Did I mention the dragon had long, flowing, golden lochs? Because he does. He's quite handsome.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on May 2, 2013 22:58:34 GMT -5
Magnus whistled as he beheld the sight that was Fabio-Ridley. "It's like the Dayman in dragon form." he commented, somehow materializing a pair of sunglasses to shield himself from the dragon's radiance. "Truly impressive." His minions retainers nodded in agreement.
"Glorious. His codpiece sines with the light of a thousand suns."
"Utterly radiant. Such stunning looks."
"I'd fuck that dragon."
Magnus, Leske and Asher turned and stared at Desmond, who coughed and shifted uncomfortably. Then the Bread Wizard stepped forward, now fully covered in a set of bread-armor.
"Dragon! You are a vile beast that plagues this fair land! I will slay you in the name of all that is good!" His challenge declared, the Bread Wizard gave a roar and charged Fabio-Ridley, bread-sword drawn.
His stride was gallant, his eyes deadly in their intent. He raised his sword high, ready to draw blood.
He tripped halfway there and went careening past Fabio-Ridley.
"Oh lord." Magnus rubbed his temples.
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Post by Sariel of Tevet on May 3, 2013 0:17:44 GMT -5
The Dayman scoffed, the most acceptable way to address such a oblivious failure, though understandable as it may be. Vagrants, as you all know, are known for their clumsiness. Vagrant wizards that are weighted down with gluten have an impeccable lack of equilibrium, as the old wives tale goes. His royal Highness sauntered over towards the dragon, and paused a moment to shout at the still floundering Bread Wizard. "It is quite laughable that someone such as yourself would even attempt to slay this beast, whom I will explain my contempt for in moments, but even someone as royal and refined as myself can only hope to thoroughly rant about one blasphemy at a time. Now you! Bread wizard. You surely do not possess the necessary financial means to destroy such a creature, only I have the monetary backing to do so. You may be rich in fiber, but not in social status. If you have gotten much closer to this fowl creature, you would surely have been toast. What a crumby attempt at heroics. At-yeast you could have saved yourself the trouble and announced your failure without having to waste your energy with an attack to illustrate your lack of stature and protected loins. I do not wish to butter you up with anymore flattery, remove yourself from the vicinity at once and let the real hero monologue (The Dayman wishes me to remind you, the reader, that a monologue is ordinarily known as a speech given by a singular character set apart from the rest of the play or work to emphasize its importance. However, it is obvious that The Dayman is the only important individual in any dialogue, so his conversations are addressed appropriately, as monologues.) with this contemptible sack of scales. You suck Bread Wizard, your stale attempt at codless heroics insults us all."
Thoroughly winded by his own antics, The Dayman took a deep, royal, and socially acceptable breath. For you see, the air retained inside of royalties lungs are of such importance, that they must only use a single breath for every speech, as to insure that a new breath will not be wasted on a partial sentence or preposition. Prepositional phrases are so plebeian. They trance about inside of declarative statements as if they were on welfare or something. Just who do they think they are? The Dayman does not pay his royal tithes to see them dispersed to such lazy and lackadaisical literary tools. Surely he will have to have a word with the administration about this, as to avoid another kingdom wide sequester. If there is one thing his Highness cannot stand, is the poor incessantly complaining about being out of work because of the slowness of the presiding governing body. I...what? What is that sir? Yes, yes I will have to apologize again, with haste. The Dayman wishes that I apologize for my rantings, however politically accurate and enlightening they may be, it has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
When The Dayman finished with his overtly royal breath, he started yet another rant. He pointed a stunningly royal finger at Fabio-Ridley's scaly and unflattering dragon face, and cupped his own codpiece with his free hand, shaking it a bit and allowing the light to reflect upon it like a medieval era disco ball. "You, dragon. You are not royalty, not truly. You don't even look royal! You look as if you should be placed upon the cover of a five pence gutter novel published by a decaying fanfiction author whose objective is to give pleasure to middle aged bar winches that are in despair of their adventurous husbands abandoning them for far younger and greener pastures. If, you can even call them so. I hear the young lasses do not possess their "pastures" any longer, they use salt and burn tactics. It is all the rage these days you know. At any rate, dragon, how dare you dawn the airs of royalty! That codpiece was not acquired by inheritance! Inheritance as you know, as declared in "The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas's Laws of Royalty and Social Status", is the only acceptable means of obtaining wealth! You have taken your gems and gold by fear and overtaking introverted peaks (The Dayman wishes to express that he hoped to say "Lonely Mountain", but feared another lawsuit, though he likes the sound of introverted peaks) and stealing their gold! You have no socially granted right to wear such a codpiece, glorious as it may be! I, The Incredibly Handsome and Much Much Better Than You Prince Ali-Hammurabi-dappapa-pastathopoulos-giannis-maleza-demetreus-qui-gon-jinn-julius of The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas, the 4th, Esquire, Jr., will smite you for this contemptible behavior!"
He thrusts a mighty, royal hand into his utility belt. His royal purple cloak fluttered in a breeze that seemed to effect no one else in the area, which emphasized his majesty. From the womb of his utility belt, a light began to shine, brighter than even the sun. The loins of his belt began to produce a shape of epic proportions that grew and grew. The essence began to approach the height of Fabio-Ridley and began to take form. The light faded and a giant, purple, winged, and somehow familiar face began to show as a burst of flames rolled into the air. "Fluffy! My dear Fluffy you have come to my aid!" The Dayman rushed to hug the tail of the wyverns floating next to him. Fluffy shot him a royal glance of understanding and wanting. "Aaah. I see." The Dayman stuck his gaze to the loins of his hovering pet, "Father still has not given you your codpiece has he? Well go forth fluffy! On this day you shall earn your codpiece in the glory of battle!"
He turned to address his monetarily hindered acquaintances (yet still above vagrants on the list of things The Dayman despised) and bellowed, "Acquaintances! Wilst thou follow me and Fluffy into battle? I do not wish to hog all of the fun. That would be unseemly, since we are, (he gulped and attempted to swallow his royal pride, for sake of the heroic epic he was contained in) a team."
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Post by blazinvire on May 3, 2013 0:21:24 GMT -5
Part of Perish wanted to claw her eyes out in frustration and as a way of not seeing the horror any more. She'd been ready for a fire-breathing flying monstrosity, one of the most efficient and magnificent engines of destruction nature had to offer; a cod-piece wearing dragon was... She wasn't even going to finish that thought. Instead she'd use her brain for other, far more important matters like figuring out how to kill a flying death machine, as she was unsure how well her constructions of bone and obsidian would pierce dragon scales, so quite a lot of her usual options were a no-go.
"All this faff about codpieces almost makes me wonder what women are supposed to do in this kind of battle..." Perish wondered aloud, but soon after smacked herself on the head to banish the thought. She'd need some time to gather enough energy to even threaten this dragon... "I'll join in... later... perhaps..." Perish said, flapping her hand at the Dayman, "You guys go forth and whatever."
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SidSquid
Member
Squid Disciple
Um... Yo
Posts: 16
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Post by SidSquid on May 3, 2013 0:58:00 GMT -5
It took a while, but the new Esfir eventually emerged from the portal. When she looked out and saw the group that had converged speaking with a giant, golden haired dragon with a codpiece, she turned right back around and tried to go back through the portal. Alas, she was unable to. She groaned in defeat and trudged over to the group of weirdos, only to be greeted by the lovely sound of the Dayman prattling on about something. Most likely codpieces. Listening closer, she realized she was correct.
From her spot on the outskirts of the group, Esfir mumbled something about how dragons used to be cool. Thinking about how best to approach the situation, Esfir decided that it would be best to fight. In a way. In the best way. By destroying self-esteem! She drew a deep breath, then, as loudly as possible, shouted at the dragon a most devastating phrase:
"I'VE SEEN BIGGER!"
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Post by Mizagium on May 3, 2013 11:29:23 GMT -5
Fabio-Ridley recoiled in horror. How DARE she insult him in such a manner? There was no codpiece as great or magnificent as his. His piece was so great that sometimes it seemed to possess it's own gravitational pull. Fair maidens were known to throw themselves upon his codpiece spontaneously.
"You're mean!" He called back to Esfir. He tried to resume his stance but with his pride injured, he just couldn't make it work.
Jeffrey reluctantly conjured his energy sword and stepped up to the front lines. The brilliant codpiece still blinded him, but he found his Matrix-shades in his pocket. Now several magnitudes cooler, he swaggered on up next to the Dayman. "Alright you royal nutcase, what kind of plan do you have stewing in that melange that passes for a brain?"
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Post by Sariel of Tevet on May 3, 2013 13:06:20 GMT -5
The Dayman, purple royal sparkling cloak still fluttering in his self perpetuating breeze, forced himself to answer the somewhat, reluctant and debilitatingly poor group leader. He poked out his royal chest, that was revealed quite seductively by the deepest and most royal V neck in all the five regions, and bellowed once again in Jeffrey's general direction, as not to address a pauper specifically. "I, The Incredibly Handsome and Much Much Better Than You Prince Ali-Hammurabi-dappapa-pastathopoulos-giannis-maleza-demetreus-qui-gon-jinn-julius of The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas, the 4th, Esquire, Jr., will smite this dragon! As I have been forced to repeat on numerous occasions! I see that welfare may keep you peasants alive but it does nothing for the memory. There is but one plan that ever needs to be hatched, I shall climb upon my trusty wyvern Fluffy, and dispose of this dragon and take the beasts ill-gotten codpiece as my trophy, and bestow it upon my dear Fluffy. What other plan could possibly be hatched?"
With that he clicked his teeth in fine, equestrian fashion, and Fluffy answered him with haste by descending to the ground and kneeling. The Dayman jumped upon the back of his companion, and with a single flap of the grandiose, and entirely not hyperbole ridden, wingspan they rose into the air high above Fabio-Ridley. The Dayman, as is his custom, once again thrust a mighty, royal finger into the direction of a lesser being(both financially and aesthetically), and called out into his general direction. "The hour shall be your last foul creature! I, The Incredibly Handsome and Much Much Better Than You Prince Ali-Hammurabi-dappapa-pastathopoulos-giannis-maleza-demetreus-qui-gon-jinn-julius of The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas, the 4th, Esquire, Jr., shall exercise my right as heir to the The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas, and strip you of your codpiece, and your life! HAVE AT THEE VAGRANT"
Voice still ringing, drums began to echo from an unknown direction. A bassline, followed by a screeching guitar riff (tuned appropriately to drop D of course, these metaphysical musicians are no stranger to epic hero battles), filled the air around The Dayman and fueled his lust for righteousness and dragon's blood. He stood upon the back of Fluffy, eyes glowing with purpose, chest breaking forth from the outline of his royal spandex v neck shirt, purple royal cloak trailing in the wind for what seemed like miles, and codpiece shining as a second sun. The air began to vibrate and the clouds darkened behind him (only behind The Dayman mind you, specifically, no one else deserves such a dazzling display of heavy metal masculinity) and thunder began to clap in sync with the heavy metal battle B roll. He thrust his mighty, royal, and perfectly sophisticated hand into the air and screamed with a single royal breath, "Now will be the hour of your discontent!!!" He threw his hand into his fantastically useful (and equally fantastically useless) infinity belt, and drew out a marvelously delectable dragon treat. A full grown, cottony, still bleating and frightened, with a tag hanging from its pelt. The Dayman ripped off the tag, and read it with a smile. He tossed the sheep at Fabio-Ridley, who was sure to swallow the sheep whole, for we all know that dragons cannot resist a sheep snack. Once it reached the very pit of Fabio-Ridley, he promptly exploded into thousands of vagrant bits, but left the codpiece entirely intact. Fluffy and The Dayman descended and he handed the sheep's tag to Jeffrey, and again spoke in his general direction. "Made in Korea. I an unaware of this land, but as it is not a part of my kingdom, I could only assume that it was packed with explosives, because only primitive lands still do such tragic things to one another. Now, I have business to tend to, you are excused."
He sauntered over to the still steaming codpiece and pulled a giant quarter mile long tuft of Fabio-Ridley's hair from it, and threw the codpiece and all its glory at Fluffy, who caught it with his own loins on the first place and allowed it to snap into place. "Sir Fluffy, I, The Incredibly Handsome and Much Much Better Than You Prince Ali-Hammurabi-dappapa-pastathopoulos-giannis-maleza-demetreus-qui-gon-jinn-julius of The Secluded and Tropical Nation of Koosalagoopagoopakuzbekistanahamas, the 4th, Esquire, Jr., now bequeath to you, by inheritance, the only acceptable form of wealth gain, my spoils of war. The dazzling and still inadequate and not better than mine, codpiece of the dragon Fabio-Ridley. It was a fine battle, and he was a fine opponent, for a pauper.I believe my work here is done. We may continue on with our quest, vagrants. You have my royal permission."
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Post by Mizagium on May 3, 2013 13:30:27 GMT -5
Jeffrey blinked. "Oh, well, I guess that takes care of that?" He looked around at the remains of Fabio-Ridley uncertainly. "I don't know man, that seemed kinda easy. Not that I'm complaining or anything but..."
BUT SOMETHING.
The various scattered bits of Fabio-Ridley began to quiver, causing the very ground to shake with it. As if attracted to a great magnet, the remains skittered forward a few feet before being pulled high into the air, where they smashed together with such ferocity that the sun itself cowered in fear behind the clouds. A thick mist of...misty mistness formed over the heroes.
"Muahahahaha," a great shadow above them laughed. "Did you really think it would be that easy?"
Jeff shrugged. "No, but I was hoping it would."
"Fools!" The shadow darted forth, tackling Fluffy to the ground. With his mighty claws, Fabio-Ridley tore the codpiece free and reattached it to his loins. "There, now I am complete again. You there, Dayman, I can only assume that was a lucky shot; you shan't get so lucky again!"
His mighty wings beat, blowing the mist away and the clouds, revealing the might of Fabio-Ridley, his long hair flowing the breeze and his codpiece glittering in the sun.
"Now begone, peasants!"
His maw opened and a jet of gleaming energy spewed forth--THAT'S RIGHT, FABIO-RIDLEY BREATHES DIAMONDIUM-BREATH! DEAL WITH IT.
Jeff managed to conjure up a barrier in time to deflect the attack off into the distance. Luckily, it only destroyed part of the lakeside town. "Guess I'm fighting a dragon..." He conjured some barrier-steps and jumped up onto the dragon's neck just as it belched another diamondium attack. There, on the extended throat of the beast, Jeff realized he had no idea what he was doing. With a shrug, he poked Ridley in the eye. In response, Ridley roared a mighty roar and tried to shake Jeff off, sending Diamondium energy everywhere!
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Post by blazinvire on May 3, 2013 16:54:04 GMT -5
Meanwhile, in much obscurity, Perish stood there looking mostly innocuous with her hands behind her back -to try and -fail- to hide the menacing black energy building up around them as dark symbols grew out from her feet, building another giant ritual circle. The wonders of rituals meant there was little Perish couldn't do when it came to bones, death, cold and obsidian, just some time and voila -thus she was more than content with the Dayman consuming huge amounts of time with his excessive speeches and flamboyance -to mention nothing of the dragon's part in such things. Even if the dragon did explode. Even if the dragon giblets then flew back together and entered the fight again. Even if it didn't breath fire.
This was just dandy...
With mild frustration, Perish shifted her stance a little and went about changing the symbols on the ground as she had to compensate for these new changes, though that was about when Jeff decided it'd be fun to poke the dragon in the eye. Needless to say there was a glob of Diamondium occupying Perish's face now, though it later fell off rather anticlimactically after her face had regenerated.
"Going... to murder..." Perish said with a psychopathic grin, an eye twitching.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on May 5, 2013 13:23:13 GMT -5
"Hmmm, regenerative powers." Magnus noted, watching with fascination as the Diamondium rained down on him. Or rather, it rained down on the magical shield that he had raised and was bouncing off onto his three mooks.
"Shouldn't we do something?" Leske asked, eye twitching in irritation.
"Yes, I suppose so." Magnus assumed a "lecture pose". "Pay attention minions and you just might learn something about magic. Magic is drawn from the world around us and then focused through the body. With control it is possible to build up that mana in a specific point and release it in a single burst."
That said, Magnus took a few steps forward, aimed himself at Fabio-Ridley and spread his arms wide.
"What is he.." Desmond started.
Magnus swung his hips backward.
"Oh god, he's not about to-"
"ARMAGEDDON BEAM!" Magnus shouted as he thrust his hips forward in a mighty pelvic thrust and the air in front of him EXPLODED in a beam of pure raw destructive force, tearing through the air and hitting Fabio-Ridley (and Jeff).
The air whipped around the group in a violent gale and the world was bathed in light for a moment, blinind everyone who was caught in the glorious, glorious display of crotch thaumaturgy.
Magnus stood with his arms crossed proudly, a large grin on his face.
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Post by Mizagium on May 7, 2013 14:37:13 GMT -5
Fabio-Ridley recoiled from the deadly crotch-blast. Jeff escaped the blast, but was given a brief glimpse into the eternity that was the nether loins of Magnus. Untold eons were recorded down there. It was both glorious and maddening. And quite rancid.
"Dude! Come on," he shouted down. "Right in my face..."
Fabio-Ridley screamed. "MY EYES! HE SHOT HIS CROTCH RIGHT IN MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!" He scratched at his eyes and began shooting more Diamondium everywhere.
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Post by Sariel of Tevet on May 7, 2013 16:44:20 GMT -5
Still stunned by the regenerative powers of Fabio-Ridley, the diamondium blast, and the dazzling display of genital prowess by Magnus. However, the prince wishes that I remind you that Fabio-Ridley would be a much more effective dragon if his attacks were diamondillium based instead. It is obvious to all with eyes, and of course wealth, that diamondillium is far more superior in every way. The team would have been wasted away by now if that were the case.
"Downward Fluffy! I must congratulate Magnus on his thaumaturgic testicles."
Fluffy began to flap his massive wings and descended down into the battlefield, nonchalantly, not even bothering to dodge the occasional diamondium (not diamondillium, such a waste) blast, for they merely reflected off of his massively royal codpiece and dispersed across the immediate area, which meant directly towards the team, most notably the Bread Wizard. The Dayman, in all his glory and wealth, hopped from the back of Fluffy and landed next to Magnus, whose genitals were still smoking from the blasts. He placed his hand on his shoulder, and spoke to him semi-directly, quite a feat for his highness. His voiced boomed into Magnus' semi-general direction.
"I commend you in honor of your testosterone sack, acquaintance. Even if it is bare and not protected by the glory and security that is a codpiece. However", he raises his fists into the air (complete with little rock and roll devil horns), and he stuck out his dignified dairy-air in a squatting position, "You must feel the thrust. You have to put your everything into it! Concentrate my acquaintance!" He closed his eyes and the clouds began to rumble yet again. The metaphysical metal band began to squeal and boom across the land and lightning began to sting the ground around them.
"Now thrust!", his voiced bellowed above the thunder, not even nature can drown out his royalty. His took a deep breath and thrust his mighty royal pelvis forward, codpiece and all, and when his glorious move reached its peak, a distinct and audible TINK against the inside of his codpiece. He smirked and looked directly at Magnus, "If you truly harness the power of your marvelous marbles, I believe that your crotch blast may be able to defeat Fabio-Ridley once and for all. Thrust with me man! You can do this! And one and two and one and two!" And just like a royal aerobics instructor he began to showcase his thrusting powers, in this order. Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK. "Still watching?"
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK. "Feel the power exuding from your nether regions!"
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK. "Are we having fun yet?"
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK. "Let's defeat us a dragon!"
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK.
Clouds. Thunder. Devil Horn fists. Squat. Thrust. TINK. "Show me ya moves!"
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Post by blazinvire on May 8, 2013 3:44:48 GMT -5
Perish couldn't even begin to describe her rage mixed with exasperation at Magnus's conscious decision of where to project his blast of power from, and the Dayman's encouragement and teaching was expounding that rage beyond even her own comprehension. The urge to target both Magnus and the Dayman with her ritual instead of the flamboyant dragon... She knew silly, she knew crazy and stupid and insane, but this was... this was... Oh who cares, her ritual was finally charged after all that time that insanity wasted, so Perish let herself be mercifully distracted as power exploded from the ground beneath her in the form of menacing black energy and swarms of bones, propelling her skyward into the focus of the energy.
It rapidly assembled around and onto her into a Death figure attached to a enormous serpent body, enormous spindly bone claws for digits, opaque black shadowy energy forming a style of robe and a huge demonic skull for the face that possessed huge canines like a vampire. And a vampire she was, suddenly firing at Fabio-Ridley and rapidly pulling a snake-constriction trick as her enormous tail wrapped several times around the dragon, using her hands to pin a wing and the dragon's head as the enormous fangs smashed into the scales, sparks flying for a moment before they broke in and blood started flying up the fangs at an alarming rate. And said blood went straight to Perish at its core, drinking it into her body and cracking into it, eager to examine its potential beyond making ridiculous dragons.
Turned out to be a pretty terrible idea... Perish literally fell out of her Death serpent construction which quickly fell apart because of that, falling a distance and smashing into the ground and coughing and hacking madly. She looked like she was steaming all over with mysterious diamondium energy, her eyes rimmed in a blue glow and concentrated blue energy looked to be attempting to seep out of her mouth as she coughed.
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Post by Monika on May 9, 2013 20:46:06 GMT -5
"Oh thank you, Lady Hioma!" A young, beautiful red haired girl of moderate height sat upon a massive Pegasus, her eyes glistened with tears but her face definitely in an expression of happiness.
Behind the woman sat a tall, blue haired man wielding a glowing sword. He was hugging the woman from behind, his face too brimming with genuine happiness. "We never would have gotten together had it not been for your efforts, Lady Hioma," the man spoke. "Words cannot express my gratitude. Is there any way I could possibly repay you?"
"Yes, please, milady!" The long red haired woman nodded in agreement. "Anything at all, you name it!"
The person whom they were speaking to - the brown haired, spectacled, self proclaimed 'Queen of Matchmaking' - merely shook her head. She took a golden pen from behind her ear and wrote something in the pages of her pink, spiral bound diary. "No payment necessary! Matchmaking is my job! My calling! If I don't do it, who will?!" Tears came to this girl's eyes as well and she sniffled out a few more words. "I wish I could stay for the wedding, but other people need my help. I hope you two will be soooo happy together!"
Soon, both girls were bawling uncontrollably, and the blue haired man took it upon himself to clear the air of awkwardness. "Ahem," he cleared his throat, jumping from the Pegasus. "Hioma, please. At the very least, take Falchion." The man kneeled at Hioma's feet and presented to her his glowing sword. "I do not know where you will go, but I pray to the gods that this blade will protect you on your journey."
"Thank you," Hioma nodded, accepting the sword and sheathing it at her side. With a few more sniffles, she turned around and began walking away, off to help the next couple in need. "Farewell, you two lovebirds! Have lots of children! May love be ever in your favor!" And before the newly matched couple could add any more words to the tearful goodbye, Hioma had already disappeared into the distance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Okay, Notebook! What story needs my help next? Hopefully another sword-and-sorcery tale; I love those..." Wiping the last few tears from her eyes, Hioma closed her diary and tapped its cover a few times with her pen. When she opened the diary again, a new mass of text had appeared in its pages. As she scanned each page, her eyes widened - she couldn't believe what she was reading! "Generic fantasy land...great leathery wings...codpieces..." Outraged, she slammed the diary and yelled "Where's all the love?!? This just cannot be! I have to go set things right, right now!" Without another word, she closed her eyes, placed her left hand upon the cover of the diary and disappeared in a pink, heart shaped vortex.
When she reappeared, Hioma stood right under a massive, golden haired (and quite attractive) dragon. "You must be Fabio-Ridley!" she called out to the beast, shaking her head in disapproval. "Why are you assaulting these innocent people? Is it because you're lonely? Would you like me to help you?" Not even waiting for a response, Hioma tapped the cover of her diary with her pen again and opened its pages. I think I know just who to pair him up with...What was that pterodactyl's name? Rachel, maybe? She began scanning the pages of her diary back and forth, looking for Fabio-Ridley's perfect match.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on May 11, 2013 22:02:46 GMT -5
Magnus opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. Then looked at his mooks. "Okay, so maybe there was alittle too much madness in my last move. I'm not sure how to respond to this." he waved his hand at the newcomer who was talking to Fabio-Ridley, and at the Dayman who was still shouting and thrusting at the sky.
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Post by Mizagium on May 11, 2013 23:33:28 GMT -5
Heavy-metal stormclouds answered the Dayman's summons, roiling and screeching with the sinful music of a thousand tormented angels. Fabio-Ridley howled and limped away from Perish's bone-dragon-vampire attack. "Noo!" He screamed. "Vampires! The only kind of wound we dragons can't recover from!" He coughed and sputtered, attempting to get back on his hind legs. Luckily, his wings were mostly undamaged. "This is it...my ultimate attack!"
He flew high into the hair, amidst the mighty crotch weather conjuring of the Dayman. "Your pathetic weather manipulation gives me the perfect setting in which to unleash my ultimate attack." Higher and higher he went, until he was almost lost in the heavy metal storm. Once there, he inhaled deeply--then exhaled, a long, full breath of Diamondium straight downward, onto his dazzling codpiece. The Diamondium was absorbed by the countless jewels of the crotchware, glowing brighter. With each passing second, it seemed as if a second sun was being born in the clouds.
Light cracked and thunder boomed and wind blew Fabio-Ridley's hair all about. He unleashed as much energy as he could, until all the jewels shined with the brilliance of several million candela. The metal screamed loud enough to deafen lesser beings.
"NOW!" Fabio-Ridley yelled. "BEHOLD MY ULTIMATE ATTACK!" He angled himself so that the codpiece was pointed straight downward.
"RADIANT!" He began to rotate in the air.
"DRILL!" Faster and faster.
"BREAK!" Ridley spun so fast his individual features could not be determined. He had become a blinding drillbit in the air. And then he fell, like a falling star, so fast and so bright, he turned the air around him to diamonds. When he smashed into the earth, the radiance was like the birth of the universe, a terrible whiteness that destroyed all thought.
Luckily for everyone, Jeff had jumped off of Ridley before he ascended and managed to pull up a huge barrier in time to soften the blast, but eventually it faltered, sending approximately 5% of the force into the assembled heroes and heroines, but that 5% was enough to do some real damage.
A great crater was left behind and from it, Fabio-Ridley crawled, panting and dripping blood. Jewels had fallen off or broken in the Radiant Drill Break. "F-F-Fools.."
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