Awesome Land!: A Rebooted Story

[Monika]

"Fiz." It was all William could really say to express himself in the presence of Zais.

"And some people said putting Zais in charge of security was a bad idea!" Aurora laughed, overly pleased with her questionable appointment decision. "I knew he'd come through for us."

"Yes, how could we ever have doubted you?" Chancellor Awesome gave Zais an inquisitive glance (unseen from beneath his helmet, of course) and then continued his absentminded smacking of C.O.M.A.S members.

"Bah, no matter! You may be an Immortal, but that doesn't mean you're invincible. Behold!" William pointed in the general direction of the CGI Ramses, who was being mercilessly stabbed by one of the more competent sword wielding heroes. The poor thing was quickly losing its functionality and eventually toppled over completely, creating a seismic shockwave across the Gamma District. The spot to which William had pointed tore itself into a portal and absorbed the shockwave in its entirety.

"My ultimate technique: Voidal Absorption! Co-developed by myself and Artemis-"

Artemis gave a single, two finger wave toward everyone.

"-the technique allows me to harness the power of anything I banish to the Null-Void!"

"So you're saying you can absorb shockwaves, then?" Aurora and Chancellor Awesome asked in unison.

"That's EXACTLY what I'm saying! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" William demonstrated his power by pointing at a hopefully unimportant C.O.M.A.S member who was trying to escape the battle. That member trembled violently. And then collapsed. And then exploded. William had summoned an earthquake inside the member's body.

"That doesn't make any sense. Even by Awesome Land's standards," Aurora said.

"We can't get that Scroll of Science soon enough," Chancellor Awesome added.

William started pointing at random people, earthquaking their insides to death. And then he pointed at Zais on the off chance his attack would work.

[Myrdraxxis]

"Mmmmm yeah how 'bout no." Zais said. "Points for trying though. Any other day I'd be rather impressed with your ambition. Ah well." he shrugged, then dodged the technique. Like....somehow dodged the instantaneous technique. I don't question it and neither should you.

"Farewell William-What's-Your-Face!" He conjured up his scythe and swung for William's head.

[Mizagium]

Sarah expertly dodged the shockwaves because physics. She managed to regroup with Aurora and Chancellor Awesome. "Ok, so...that didn't work. I mean, it kind of worked. We got the Scroll after all, but uh...I need that Shield back, you know." She pondered the situation. "I DO have some void-related powers. Null-Void, not Zais's void. Maybe that would be helpful...?"

Stella continued jumping from C.O.M.A.S. members, collecting fallen teeth (and some that were loose, and a bunch that were just there, waiting to be torn out). "Yay! Teeth for everyone! Eat your heart out, Tooth Fairy!" Then she spied William and his shiny chompers and she knew she must have them, so she hurled herself at the mad magician, brandishing two pairs of pliers and a tongue clasp. "Gimmie!"

GOLDBEZ'S DANCE HAD SUCCEEDED IN TURNED SEVERAL C.O.M.A.S. MEMBERS INTO BACKUP DANCERS FOR HIM AS HE CONTINUED HIS WEST SIDE STORY DANCE TOWARDS ARTEMIS.

[Sariel of Tevet]

Professor Calamitous was dodging various spells. Fireballs, ice spikes, even the occasional kitten began to wizz passed his face region.

"Huzzah! Now I can finally wreak havoc again!"

He began punching C.O.M.A.S members in the face, wrists, and genitals (respectively) and fought his way through the mob. Amidst his wild thrashing (at this point he was just flailing his limbs about and colliding with people), a small child wandered up to him.

"Haha. How cute! A small child. You wish to challenge me? What are your rules of engagement fieeeeend? A card game? Tag? Oh wait! I've got it! I shall count to some insignificant number while you go hide."

While Professor Calamitous was busy mocking the child, he didn't notice that the kid was charging up a magical attack. The kid stuck his hand out, laid it on the front of one of the Professor's thighs, and shot a charge of electricity through it, and then buggered off.

"AAahhh!!"

Professor Calamitous' leg gave way and he began to limp.

"Dead leg! I hate dead legs!" He paused a moment to think of how absurd that statement sounded, seeing as how he was actually just a skeleton. He shook it off and used his other leg to spring him atop a nearby building. He pulled out his science shooter and rifled through a few of his special cartridges until he found one that he liked.

"Muahahahahaha!! Now I can finally test this one out! YOU SHALL ALL RUE THE DAY THAT YOU ATTACKED PROFESSOR CALAMITOUS AND MOCKED HER LADY SCIENCE!"

He loaded the shell into his handgun and fired it into the center of the crowd. A huge light exploded outwards from the bullet as it impacted the street and it filled the entire area.

"TAKE THAT YOU MUGGLE HATERS! NOW YOU SHALL NEVER ME...HUH?"

Professor Calamitous paused and began to scratch his head. The light faded and now the large section of C.O.M.A.S members that he had attacked were now all doing the Thriller dance. Hundreds were now lined up in a group doing the zombie steps back and forth, and seemed to be enjoying themselves thoroughly.

"I..I must have put too much wolves-bane in that one. Not quite enough cyani...Oh! There we go!"

The group began to dance faster and faster and faster until the dance moves blurred together. Two thirds of the group's hearts exploded from the hyperactivity, a twelfth of them just collapsed in exhaustion, a seventh of them actually began howling about and turning into werewolves, and the remainder kept dancing their hearts out.

"Gamma District! You've got talent! And...and werewolves."

[Monika]

Surrounded on nearly every side and thoroughly distracted/infuriated by the fact that half of his militia were dancing to death from steps to dance that didn't even exist in Awesome Land, William didn't have enough time to notice Zais' scythe coming directly for his head. Fortunately, Stella crashed into him from such an angle that allowed the scythe to completely miss his spinal cord...and only leave an almost equally severe wound across his neck. "Gwaaaarbghbglll..." William choked out, his throat filling with blood. And this sight was enough to enrage Artemis.

"STOP!" As she yelled, all of the action ceased. The dancers no longer danced. People froze in mid-werewolf-transformation. GOLDBEZ's dance...Stella's tooth pulling...It was like someone just pressed the pause button on the chaotic skirmish between C.O.M.A.S and Aurora's group. Time itself had just stopped.

Artemis flexed her hands and all of the important characters were unfrozen. "You come to our rally," she said, her voice soft but intimidating. "Make a deal with our leader...Double cross him...and he has to die for it?" Her eyes began to change, their normal pale blue changing into a glowing, radiant white. Unknown words rushed to her lips and before she knew it, she had lifted both her hands, causing Sarah to rise into the air. "Technique of the first Immortal of Space, Lunesce: Floatation. Functions by suspending the gravitational field around its target, propelling them into the air." Artemis then tightened her right hand as if she were grabbing something. "Technique of the third Immortal of Space, Excellus: Suffocation. Functions by contracting the space around the target, squeezing the targeted area to a degree unattainable by earthly sources of pressure." The area around Sarah's neck began to tighten.

"Non-Immortal Class Technique: Banishment. Opens a one-way portal to an alternate dimension for the purpose of ridding oneself of an object." A portal opened behind Artemis; she quickly turned, threw the False Shield inside and let the portal seal itself. Turning back toward Sarah she spoke emotionlessly. "I am leaving you just enough breathing room to speak. Give me a reason why I should give you the Shield and not kill all of you immediately."

She closed her eyes as if gathering her thoughts and added "Personal Technique of the Current Immortal of Space: Telepathy. Functions by using a portal to redirect nervous impulses of targets into the mind of the caster. Estimated success rate of killing Cale Efrun, Professor Calamitous, Aurora Veralice, Chancellor Awesome, Stella, GOLDBEZ and Azzi: 95%. Estimated success rate of defeating Zais: 55%."

[Mizagium]

Sarah struggled to speak and breathe through Artemis' Spacial manipulations. "We...need...ugh..the nova. You must...see it. We need...the Scrolls, or else...consume...Earth." She could only hope that Artemis understood and cared enough to release her. She was mildly confident that the True Sword would prevent her from actually getting killed, but she was only partially confident in the power of the Soul Patch she still carried to protect her in...whatever dimension Artemis was planning on dropping her in.

Also, she just realized she was dealing with an Immortal and wished she had some way of contacting Knox...

[Monika]

Artemis, her Telepathy technique still ongoing, was able to understand every word, including the ones Sarah didn't say. She glanced at Chancellor Awesome and GOLDBEZ and said, "The distinct lack of magical aura around the Scroll of Science held by GOLDBEZ and Professor Calamitous' hat, held by Chancellor Awesome, is similar. The chances of both being true Scrolls of Science is 99%. William was a man of his word and has indeed given you what you have asked for." She couldn't help but look at William as she said this, and it only renewed her fury with heightened fervor.

"Mental analysis of your party suggests that your claim of a 'black nova' destroying the planet is true," she said, looking at the rest of Sarah's companions. "Analysis also shows that between Aurora Veralice, Azzi, Cale Efrun, Chancellor Awesome, GOLDBEZ, Professor Calamitous and Stella, their fighting capabilities and intellectual capacity suggest a mission success rate of 65%. Your continued existence will not significantly impact this probability. Further analysis of your own memories shows general ineffectiveness at presiding over the Really Cool Land monarchy. Recent events involving the betrayal of William suggest a decrease of the minimal effectiveness you may have had in your job. Proposed success rate of your adequately ruling as Queen of Really Cool Land: 32%."

Artemis paused for a very brief moment before finishing her analysis in her same cold, emotionless, calculating style. "It would be better for me to kill you now. The chances of your survival causing my hatred to fester, leading me to abuse my Immortal status in an attempt to exact vengeance: 94%. Chances of successful revenge attempt: 99%." She looked into Sarah's eyes and, in what may have been an attempt to comfort her (the truth always makes people feel better, right?) she added "The probability of the current Immortal of Time coming to save you is 14%. The chance of that rescue attempt succeeding is 19%. I will personally return the False Shield to your parents and let the rest of your party attempt to save the planet. But that will occur after your death." Her space grip tightened.

[Mizagium]

For a moment, Sarah didn't struggle against Artemis' grip. She was right. All of it. She was a terrible queen. She only held the reins for a few days already she had lost the False Shield. And she had left! She was here, in Awesome Land, instead of home, where she belonged. She should have given Aurora the False Shield and True Sword and let them handle it. She should have stayed out of the ridiculous quest they presented to her...but she didn't. She did all of those things.

She screwed up bad.

Johnny wouldn't have messed up like this. Or at least, by now, he would have figured a way out.

But she wasn't Johnny. She didn't need him to save her again. She didn't need Cha Cha to save her again. She didn't need Knox to come save her. She could save herself this time.

Sarah managed to grin. "Chance of success as queen...32%? It's...not 0%." She tightened her own grip on the True Sword. "So long...as there's a chance. I'll fight." She recalled her void powers and willed them to action. And boy did they respond.

Sarah vanished, slipping somewhere between dimensions, before reappearing slightly above and behind Artemis. She hadn't meant to reappear there, but she went with it, making it look dramatic. Landing on both feet and brandishing the True Sword, she said, "Return the Shield and I won't fight you."

[Monika]

"Well, ah, it's clear that Ms. Artemis has no quarrel with the rest of us, so I'm just going to take us all out of here and leave you be, Sarah. Try to survive, alright?" Aurora snapped her fingers, anticipating a portal to show up. Nothing happened. She pointed at an area of empty space. Nothing happened. She clasped her hands together and shouted "OPEN SESAME! Please?" And still, nothing happened. And then it dawned on her. "Oh fiz. She's the Immortal of Space, isn't she? Governs all that dimension stuff I usually do. She space-sealed us...Anyone have another way to escape?"

"We're doomed," Chancellor Awesome muttered.

[Calefrun]

"You know," Cale remarked, "none of this would have happened if William had just given us the scroll. It's not like he was using it. So really it's his own fault, when you think about it."

From somewhere near the remains of CGI King Ramses a voice called, "Yeah! That guy was a total dick!"

[Monika]

"Analysis of Aurora's memories show one conversation with her brother, revealing the ultimate fate of Cale Efrun." She glanced at Cale, still emotionless. "I will not attack you, for fear of altering the Timestream. You are in for a worse enough fate."

She turned back to Sarah and gave her a warning. "Your void powers were unexpected, but the effect they will have on the outcome of this fight is negligible. Your chances of success have increased from infinitesimal to roughly 0.35%. I ask you to reconsider and instead accept death willingly. The Shield will be returned to your kingdom afterward."

[Sariel of Tevet]

Professor Calamitous noticed that the main cast had stopped moving entirely, but he was unaffected.

"Hmmm. That is strange."

He began to wander around the battlefield/rally and soon follow the trail of stillness to Cale Efrun, where it appeared Sarah was battling someone for whatever reason. There really never was a prrrrrrrrfect reason for a cat fight, seeing as how any reason for a cat fight is a valid one.

"Sorry to interrupt folks. Just trying to figure out what is going on."

He circled around Cale for a bit, poking and prodding him in various (and embarrassing) places. After administering an emergency colonoscopy, he had figured it all out.

"Remarkable!" He shouted as he thrust a bony finger into the air in his best eureka pose. "It seems as if your neural impulses are being redirected to someone else. It isn't my doing of course, because I have been quite puzzled, and Sarah is on our side. So...hmmm...that must mean that this scary lady over there is the one in charge of this interruption to my dance number. I do wish I had been able to see GOLDBEZ dance the werewolf dance of life with my slaves. Oh well, another time perhaps. I have an extra capsule. I shall surprise him for his birthday and administer the bullet to a cast of badgers."

He fumbled around the pockets of his absurd pinstripe suit and pulled out a small snow globe filled with little plastic dinosaurs that Bill Nye had given him before he left on this adventure. He flipped it over to reveal the directions on the bottom, and then patted Cale on the head.

"You and the rest of the group are quite lucky that my exoskeleton skeleton runs my actions through a wireless connection to my brain. I actually don't have any nerves. Now we can get ourselves out of here! Let's see the directions say....Simply shake this snow globe and think of where you want to go and whom with. Oh and also, beware of global warming. I mean really, look at how cold those dinosaurs look. That could be you one day."

He began shaking the snow globe furiously and started to think.

Let us see. I hope this works. There is probably only a .142857 chance that this will work. What a perfect number for us to intrust ourselves with! I wish to transport myself, Aurora Veralice, Azzi, Cale Efrun, Chancellor Awesome, GOLDBEZ, Stella, and Xanthos to a place that is more....fun. We could really use a break. We work so hard and I am still a bit hungover from that aid business.

And with that, a snowy vortex consumed the entire cast stated above and regurgitated them in Fun Land.

[Myrdraxxis]

".....Well then!" Zais clapped his hands in a cheerful gesture. "Since those guys are gone and I have nothing else to do..." His grin turned menacing and Darkness began to surround the Immortal like an oppressive fog.

"How about we turn things up a notch?"

[Monika]

Artemis glared at Zais, her glowing eyes adjusting quickly to the darkness. She blinked and said, "Mental analysis shows occasional reckless impulses, reduced empathic capacity and total disregard for the well being of others. Diagnosis: Psychopathy. Further analysis reveals a slowly declining grip on reality, indicating the early stages of psychosis. At the current rate of progression, Zais is expected to completely lose sanity within five years. By this point he will pose a significant threat to the public. Probability of a subsequent Immortal of Darkness being objectively worse is 7.5%. Conclusion: He should be replaced and a new Immortal of Darkness found immediately."

She then looked over at Sarah, considered her new void powers and added "Preliminary analysis suggests a connection between the void-related powers of Sarah and the Null-Void powers of Zais. Due to the similarities, it is possible that each will inadvertently interfere with the powers of the other. Additionally, Zais' impulsiveness suggests wholly incompatible fighting styles. Chances of his triumphing in battle alongside Sarah: 40%."

She used her Floatation technique to ascend into the air. "Technique of the sixth Immortal of Space, Zaria the Clairvoyant: Spatial Sight. Functions by using miniature vortexes in the eyes of the user, linking them to external auxiliary portals. Expands range of vision to 360 degrees. Increases visual acuity to 20/0.00001 on a 20/20 scale. Any chance of using the darkness to initiate a surprise attack against me has been nullified. Zais and Sarah's chance of victory decreased to 33%."

Artemis continued to hover in the air, waiting for Zais and Sarah to make their first move, already having devised a counter maneuver.

[Mizagium]

Sarah grimaced. She really didn't relish the idea of fighting on the same side as Zais. Not that she hadn't done it before, but she didn't want to do it again. Especially with these unstable Space powers. She could teleport, she knew that (but only via shunting herself through other dimensions) and she could make things disappear (presumably through the same method), but aside from the True Sword, she was out of ideas.

The Sword broke enchantments and revealed the truth...but from the looks of it, Artemis had no problem with the truth. Then, she had an idea...

-----

Stella looked around a pouted. "Aww, no more coma patients for me to extract teeth from. Oh well." She summoned her UFO and dumped the teeth she had collected into a compartment, different from the one that still held her stuffed lawlasaurus. "Look! Big Ben!" She pointed frantically at the Clock Tower in the distance, but there was no reason for them go there.

"THIS PLACE DOESN'T SEEM SO FUN TO ME," GOLBEZ DECLARED, STUFFING BADGERS BACK INTO HIS ARMOR. "I COULD USE A FEW NIGHTCLUBS, A CASINO OR THREE, AND SEVERAL STRIP JOINTS. WHAT I'M SAYING IS: I WOULD MUCH PREFER TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO JOY LAND, BUT I GUESS THIS PLACE IS OK."

HE ROTATED HIS HIPS AND THE BAR FROM TWENTY PAGES AGO REMATERIALIZED AROUND THEM. "DON'T MIND ME. JUST FIXING A STIFF ONE."

-----

"Artemis...I'm sorry. We shouldn't have double-crossed William. Especially not me, a queen-in-training." She lowered her True Sword. "But we were desperate. Please understand."

[Calefrun]

"Huh," Cale looked around, "so this isn't where we just were. Maybe should have brought the princess too? That chick that kept speaking numbers looked pretty miffed."

Xanthos shrugged. "Ah well, I'm sure Really Cool Land can find another reigning monarch." With that he rolled for a stealth check, and promptly disappeared from sight.

Cale frowned. "No seriously, who is that guy?"

[Sariel of Tevet]

"My word, that is an awful lot of teeth you pilfered. How dastardly of you!!"

His evil grimace was quickly replaced by his bipolar innocent and giddy smile. Actually, nothing really happened. Skeletons can't make facial expressions, but it's the schizophrenic thought that counts. He pulled his night time capsule out of his pocket, placed it into his science shooter, and shot it at his feet.

After the smoke cleared, the Professor was now in his evening attire, complete with long pajamas and a nightcap. He picked up the pillow off of the ground and held it over his head.

"Maybe now the Tooth Fairy will bring us the next Scroll of Science! Oh happy day!!"

[Monika]

Artemis sighed and lowered herself to the ground so that she could be at eye level with Sarah. Staring at her rather intently, making sure she wasn't miscalculating, she replied "Mental analysis indicates genuine remorse for the actions taken today. The probability that reflection on today's events will positively impact your future behavior is 93%."

She paused for several seconds before saying "Further analysis is required, but it appears that the admission of your mistakes and acknowledgement of behavior that a successful monarch should have will decrease the chance of your failure as queen." She didn't bother saying by how much, but her eyes softened ever-so-slightly, so the percentage was probably decent enough.

"Common knowledge shows that desperation does indeed lead humans to do things which they would normally not do." Her eyes hardened again. "But your apology does not change the fact that William is still dead. And you are not. I will endeavor to think of a compromise that will satisfy both of us."

After a few more seconds, she began again. "This is the deal I will propose, Sarah. I will return the False Shield. In exchange, you will arrange to have a funeral for William in Really Cool Land. You will give the eulogy. Additionally, you will waive any diplomatic immunity rights you may have had and stand trial for your crime at a soon-to-be-determined date. As the temporary ruler, Leon Veralice will be responsible for your fate. If he determines you criminally responsible for William's death - unlikely, given your history - I will ensure that your punishment is no greater than three years' imprisonment in an Awesome Land correctional facility. If instead he determines you to be civilly responsible for William's death - the probability of which is 87% - I will ensure that the damages awarded are no greater than 150 million Verabucks, the majority of which will go to rebuilding C.O.M.A.S and constructing a memorial in the honor of William and his father."

Artemis opened a portal and withdrew the False Shield, placing it around her left arm. "If you can agree to my terms, Sarah, I will give you the False Shield here and now. Otherwise, I will destroy the False Shield - the probability of the Immortal of Space being able to destroy creations of the Immortal of Light is 82%." Her glare intensified and her tone rose just enough to be noticeable. Making sure that Sarah could understand her intentions, she spoke with finality. "And I will kill you. The chance of that is 100%." Artemis extended her free hand to Sarah to seal the agreement.

[Mizagium]

While the main party was busy recovering from the sudden teleportation (evidently not a traditional portal, as Calamitous seemed unconcerned about the possible appearance of the PFG) and Goldbez fixed himself a drink, a new group of Mysterious Hooded Individuals appeared, looking particularly menacing.

"So!" The leader declared, crossing his arms. "We heard you're looking for the Scrolls of Science." His eleven compatriots all crossed their arms as well. "Perhaps you mean...this one!" He produced the shimmering Scroll from within his robes.

[Monika]

"I'm sure Sarah will be alright," Aurora thought aloud. "She's been through worse. Also, where exactly are we?" Everything seemed unfamiliar to her, from the ground to the climate to the mysterious hooded figures. And Aurora knew quite a lot of those.

"We're in Fun Land, milady." Chancellor Awesome replied.

"Oh. I've never been here before. Doesn't look all that fun to me," she echoed GOLDBEZ's words.

"But, Aurora, shouldn't you-"

"Look, Chancellor." She turned to Chancellor Awesome, hovered up to his eye level and stared through his helmet. "My job title is Grand Imperatrix of Awesome Land. It's my job to take care of Awesome Land. Unless we have treaties, wars or any other agreements with these random countries, I couldn't really care less. Got it?"

"Ah...understood, milady." Chancellor Awesome nodded.

"With that said, now's the perfect opportunity for some diplomacy." Aurora glided over to the band of mysterious hooded figures and smiled. "Hi, hooded gentlemen. And/or gentlewomen. It's difficult to tell with all of your heads covered. How about you hand over the Scroll and I promise to shelter you all from the next global calamity that will undoubtedly occur as a result of something happening in Awesome Land because we're all cursed or something."

"Well said," Chancellor Awesome added.