Awesome Land!: A Rebooted Story

[Myrdraxxis]

Styx cracked his neck and grinned, though that was hidden behind his mask. "Always, Ollie. Pissing off Doctor Discoball never fails to brighten my day."

"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly are you going to do? That man didn't look like the sort of guy you want to be messing with." Gree asked. Azzi muttered something about a 'final boss' under his breath and wandered over to Knox and his group.

"So what's the plan exactly? At this point I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Discotech has the Scroll. And That means that I need Ollie's help since she seems to know what she's doing. Apparently you do too."

[Calefrun]

CETIS approached Sarah. "Hello there, Princess. It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, for me anyway. I suppose it hasn't been all that long since you last saw me." He pushed up his left sleeve, displaying his watch. "I can see that you're busy right now, but I figured I'd let you know that I can lend a hand if you need to go somewhere. This baby uses top-of-the-line Squid technology from some undefined amount of time in the future." He frowned momentarily. Being back in Awesome Land reminded him of the old days. He was a lot less talkative back then.

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CALE'S MOVES JUST KEPT GETTING SMOOTHER AND SMOOTHER, AND SUDDENLY THE SOUND OF 31.416 BASSES BEING DROPPED SIMULTANEOUSLY SPLIT THE AIR AS THOUGH IT WERE MADE OF BANANA AND ICE CREAM. THE DANCING COMPANIONS WERE SUDDENLY TRANSFORMED INTO AN ENORMOUS SPHINX. WEARING SUNGLASSES. THE MYTHICAL BEAST VICIOUSLY ROARED IN A WAY THAT CARESSED THE EARS OF ANY WHO COULD HEAR IT, WHICH WAS BASICALLY EVERYONE.

SUDDENLY A TRANSLUSCENT PURPLE CYLINDER DROPPED FROM THE SKY, FALLING OVER ALL OF THE BATTLEFIELD AND ALSO PROBABLY MOST OF CHILL LAND. AS SOON AS THAT THING HIT, THE SNOW CLONES RETURNED TO SNOW, AND ANY OTHER MAGIC THAT THE SPHINX DEEMED NOT SEXY ENOUGH TO EXIST CEASED TO DO SO.

The SPHINX disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, and where the performers of the Dougie had once danced, there was only GOLDBEZ and Cale, the latter of whom collapsed from exhaustion and being too attractive.

The lobster-man turned and started running like fiz out of there.

[Monika]

"Alright, Zais..." Leon yawned, jumping down from the podium and on to the court floor. "I am pretty sure neither of us likes the other. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure how you feel about me," Leon shrugged, "but you have caused me a lot of trouble. If you really want to sit here in this courtroom and take away from my emperor-time, don't let me stop you." He twirled his gavel around in his hand. "Just know that I won't hesitate to find you guilty."
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Artemis led Sarah to the site of the C.O.M.A.S battle, where there was quite a bit of damage to be repaired. A few splintery looking brooms were strewn about the debris, practically pleading to be discarded. "Here," Artemis said, picking up one such broom and tossing it to Sarah. "If you truly desire to know about William, we can discuss it while we do our community service." Artemis stared at one of the few empty spots on the ground, conjuring up a perfectly circular portal. "We can start by sweeping the refuse into this portal. Is there anything in particular you would like to know first?"

She then gave a stern glance to Cale, one that seemed to convey the oddly specific message: "You should go back to your own dimension. Your presence threatens the space-time continuum, and that's a problem that neither Knox nor I wants to deal with."

[Calefrun]

"Technically this is my own dimension," CETIS pointed out. "Or at least, for half of me. Besides, I came here to stand trial, which younger me can't do right now. As long as he and I don't meet until the right time, I've done little more than tie a knot in time." Content that his assistance was not needed and unsure of why walked all the way here just to have that question answered, he began walking back to the courtroom.

[Myrdraxxis]

"That's not how suing works....but whatever. Your judicial skills are laughable at best." Zais shrugged. "So yeah. Suing Artemis...hmmm yeah that sounds fun."

He made a dramatically. "I was simply doing an inspection of the C.O.M.A.S base, well within my rights as the Director of Homeland Security-" he paused. "Actually, attacking a high-ranking government official is essentially treason so add that to the list somewhere," he waved a hand at Leon casually. "Anyways, I was simply minding my own business when William and his cronies, who became enraged at Sarah's ploy, attacked. I was simply defending myself. Regardless of the outcome, there is no doubt that crimes were comitted against my person in this instance."

[Monika]

"I'm afraid your suing privileges have been suspended until you stand trial for the murder of William Cauldwell, Zais. We've got this whole thing about fugitives not being allowed to waste my time with frivolous lawsuits. Crazy, huh?" Leon shrugged his shoulders in a "there's-nothing-I-can-do" manner. "Besides," he added, "I've already read over the documents and reviewed the events. Artemis didn't touch you. As a matter of fact, she remained docile for almost the entirety of the battle. It wasn't until she engaged Sarah that she actually fought, and even that conflict was short-lived. Sarah escaped unharmed." Leon returned to his podium and glared at Zais. "You're calling my judicial skills laughable? I don't even want to see what kind of crackpot reasoning you'll try to employ in suing Artemis. Now, get out of my courtroom before I fire you."

Leon noticed Cale approach the courtroom building and said to Zais, "Come back when you're ready to be cooperative and stand trial like that guy."

[Myrdraxxis]

Zais shrugged. "Whatever. This little chat killed about five minutes so I'll go do something else. Perhaps sent a nice letter to Artemis describing how William choked on his own blood. Or something."

He sighed and stretched. "I think I'll go take a stroll around my city now." he paused. "And make no mistake, this is my city. Aurora may be Empress, but most of the standing army is my troops. And she's curiously absent" Zais grinned widely at that.

"Think on that for a while. Imma go see who's been messing around in my room." With that, Zais, for about the bazillionth time, disappeared.

[Mizagium]

“Well…” Sarah hadn’t even really considered the questions she would ask. She grabbed a broom and began to sweep. “I guess…what kind of man was he? I never had many dealings with C.O.M.A.S. and I didn’t really know his father. So, what was he like? William, I mean?”

-

“FIZZ YEAH.” GOLDBEZ BEGAN DOING THE MOONWALK AND GRABBING HIS CROTCH PLATE. “NEVE THOUGHT I’D SEE THE SPHINX AGAIN. ANYWAY, WHERE ARE WE OFF TO NOW?”

Llenchi opened his mouth a few times, but let the words fall away. “We’re, uh…ahem. I’m pretty sure the Scroll is north of here. There’s like this temple, yo. On the edge of steep cliff face—basically the edge of the world, since no one can see the bottom. Anyway, it’s the ancient temple and I’m pretty sure it’s there.”

-

“The plan,” Ollie began, “Is to kick that shiny-headed tyrant right in his disco ball!” The crowd cheered, some ironically (look at you, Hipsters), but Knox and co. weren’t amused.

“How are you going to do that?” Cassandra asked. “It doesn’t seem like you can just ride the Main Stream into his fortress or whatever. And, I’m sorry, but did you see him back there? He put the smackdown on the Time Keeper!” She pointed at Knox, who cleared his throat, silently cursing her for bringing up that embarrassment.

She grinned. “Don’t be shy, girlie. I saw you back there. That light arrow noise? I bet there’s a lot more of that, huh?”

“Uh, well, I…”

“And mister clock man. You gonna let ol’ pomp and stuffins get the better of you next time?”

Knox shook his head. “Not if I ever want to live this down.”

“Well there ya go. We got a crapton of excellent musicians down here. Heck, we even got the Hipters’ crazy whatever they do. I think this is the right time. Who’s with me?” More cheers went up and Ollie beamed. “Aight then. Get your ish together and get back here quick!”

“She certainly has confidence,” Mara Lee muttered. “Must be nice.”

“Hey.” Knox suddenly started looking around frantically. “Where’d that ninja girl go?”

[Sariel of Tevet]

The Professor slammed his head into the steering wheel of his discorobot transformer Cadi and then addressed the rest of the group.

"How are we going to take him down though? We barely even escaped the first time."

Sergeant Didgeridoo slapped him on his boney shoulder and smiled a big toothy smile.

"Cool runnins mon. Everytin is gone be alright. I know just what to do."

He popped a cartridge into the 8 track player and a theme song began to play, but with a spicy beat. He stood up in his seat and turned to face the crowd of Hipsters and the main group and began to monologue:

"Many years ago, a crack commando security unit was sent to prison by their employer for refusing to further his corruption. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Music Underground. Today, still wanted by their former employer, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem…if no one else can help…and if you can find them…maybe you can hire…The NAACP."

The Professor simply paused the track, stared at Sergeant Didgeridoo, and mumbled.

"The....the entire Non Atonal Assortment of Colored Persons? That...that's an army."

"Nooo mon! Now why would I go and do a silly ting like that? No no. They have a group of founders who like to help out with the crazy shit you white boys seem to involve yourselves in all da time."

"So....then...why the monologue if it isn't just them anymore?"

"Because mon. They already had it written out before da army had gone and formed itself and they liked it. I guess they just kept it around."

A large van broke through an ironic corporation run coffee shop down the road and sped towards the group, screeching to a halt next to The Professor's Cadi. The door slid back and four men stepped out. Sergeant Didgeridoo hopped out of the convertible and walked up to the men who were now standing in a line.

"Listen up now. Let me introduce ya to our new friends."

He walked up to the man on the far left. He wore a sharp leather jacket over his button up collard shirt. He had flare bottom pants that covered up his heeled boots. A steal pan was strapped to his shoulders like a bookbag. He pulled a cigar from his giant afro, clipped the tip off and began to smoke it.

"This is Captain Calypso. Leader and planner of this little platoon of merry men."

He walked over to the next member. He toward over the rest of the group and wore a gray wife beater and baggy army fatigue pants with military style boots. He had a mohawk and absurd facial hair that somehow made him more frightening. He had an electric keyboard slung down by his side.

"Here we have Rear Admiral R&B. You can just call him RB...and...no "rear admiral" jokes. He is the muscle of the group. You really don't want to make him angry."

The Sergeant swagged over to the quietest member of the group, an intimidating man of few words. He had a handle bar mustache and dawned a dark gray turtle neck and dress pants. He was laid back against the van with his hands in his pockets. His electric guitar was propped up next to him.

"This is Brigadier Blues. And last but not least we have...."

He walked to the end of the line and placed a hand on the final member of the group. He had a small afro and a mustache. He wore an open button up shirt and slacks and a microphone in hand.

"...Warrant Officer Doo-Wop. He is the more.......mouthy one of the group. I guess that makes since seeing as how he really just doo-wops."

[Razgat]

Edie cleared her throat and began talking with a completely bored expression. "Not to burst your obviously flawed bubble here, but Disco Tech is the one who put these people here in the first place when there was more of them. Now it's just a sad gathering of people used to hiding in the dark. Not only that, but the Main Stream is more of a figurative stream. It's only noticeable to those outside of it. You wouldn't notice it. You're practically drowning it. Also, we don't really call ourselves Hipsters, we act individually, not that someone as brain washed as you would know with your crowd music, but we're not really defined as a whole, and we don't "rally" or whatever. I'm the only one who can fade others and gather the people associated with whatever stigma you've assigned, but only in an emergency. Disco Tech has been trying to get us for a while now, and I plan to keep them at the Thrift Shop at the End of the World until the threat is gone. We'll come back when something you don't want goes out of style. They love to pick that up. Now if you're no longer in need of a baby sitter, I think I'll find something better to kill myself with. Maybe some TV or something cancerous, like the world."

[Mizagium]

“Yeah, well, good for you,” Ollie deadpanned. She gave the NAACP a doubtful glance and wandered off.

Cassandra huffed and leaned against the wall, wedged between two overly large amplifiers, which did not appear to actually be connected to any instruments she could see. Light danced on her fingertips and in her eyes. She watched Ollie go with a deep scowl. What made her so great? Why was she any more worthy of the Light?

“Cassy.” Knox watched her intently. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“How are you handling the Light?”

“I’m fine.”

“Cassy. This isn’t the time. Are. You. Dealing?”

She avoided looking at him, but said, “It feels like it’s trying to escape from within me at all times. It’s everything I have to keep it from drowning me and bursting out.”

“I think we should leave.” He canned the area, quickly locating Mara Lee and Ollie. “We take the girls and go. You can’t handle the power much longer and I don’t want – “

“I said I’m fine!” Bursts of light erupted from her mouth and eyes when she shouted. “I don’t need you to take care of me. I’ll handle it on my own.” She shoved past him, but he caught her arm.

“I’ll never forgive myself if something happened to you.”

She pulled away and vanished into the crowd.

Mara Lee found her way to Ollie’s side. “Hi!”

Ollie cringed. “Hi?”

“Sooooo are you like a famous musician or something?”

“Well, I don’t like to brag, but I am the greatest DJ in all of Funky Land.” She couldn’t help but grin.

“Whoa! I’ve never met a celebrity before! Can I have your autograph?”

“Uh, sure. What should I sign?”

Mara Lee began frantically searching her pockets for a scrap of paper, but found none. Sheepishly, she pointed to her forehead. Ollie sighed and signed her name in permanent marker on the happy magician’s head.

Knox found them as she was finishing the flourish. “Hey, Ollie. Not to take over here or nothing, but I think we need to move along with the attacking bit.”

“Look, Time Guy, we still need to prepare fully and-“

“I understand that. But the more time we waste here is more time we’re giving Discotech to do the same. From the looks of things here, you’ve all be ready for this for…a while.” He did his best to stop saying ‘time’ over and over. “Strike now while he’s recovering.”

“Look, pal,” she jabbed his chest, “I don’t come into your resistance movement and tell you how to run your secret group, do I?”

“No, but you know I’m right. So let’s skip the conflict and the ego-stroking and just do the smart thing, eh?”

“Not sure if Edie will let us ride the Main Stream again.”

“I can take care of that. Temporal dampeners won’t stop portals. Unless he’s prepared for that, in which case, you should just give up.”

She looked him up and down, decided something, and stormed off, shouting to the Underground about moving out.

Knox conjured up the largest portal entrance he could make without attracting the attention of the PFG and sighed. He really wasn’t doing very well with not interfering as much.

“All aboard the Invasion Express!”

-

Meanwhile, in Castle Disco, the strange looking discobot wandered aimlessly through the halls, clinking and clattering with every step. A few discobots here and there stopped to watch, but merely shrugged and continued their meaningless tasks. They weren’t paid enough to handle potential intruders.

“Ooh, what’s in here?”

MAIN PORTAL REROUTER.

She grinned and hefted her foam bat. “Smashy smashy.”

-

GOLDBEZ GATHERED EVERYONE UP IN HIS ARMS AND BEGAN MARCHING TOWARDS THE RUINS OF KASAWAWASAK AT THE EDGE OF CHILL LAND.

-

Blanche grumbled and took a seat in the back. Shooting daggers at the rest of the crew, she began to paddle.

[Razgat]

As Cassandra walked through the crowd, Edie watched her from a distance. She had found a wall to lean on to complete the bored look, and she nodded at Cassie as she walked by. "That looks like the face of someone defying authority. Someone else's rules got you down?"

[Mizagium]

Cassandra grunted by way of acknowledgement. "Yeah, I guess you could say that." She held out her hand and conjured three spheres of light. "These powers aren't mine. Once Ollie agrees to help us, I have to give them to her. I'm only here because I need Knox...er, Time Guy's help. But he needs my help getting Ollie over there to accept his help and help him. And hyper math girl is helping me hunt down another mathmagician, which is why we need Knox's help."

She groaned and knocked her head against the wall a few times. "And all I want is for someone to know who I am."

[Razgat]

Edie placed her hand on Cassie's shoulder. "Don't worry, what's-your-face, that's how all of us feel. You just need to turn that cynical attitude right around and toss it at them. Don't worry if you're noticed or if you have faults, just focus on their problems. Maybe Time Guy goes along with popular demand. Maybe Ollie is as popular as apple pie and just as likely to clog your arteries. Who cares what your problems are? Look at their problems!" She folded her arms and looked into the wind as if in a trance (as if there was any wind). "For you see, whoever you are, that is how the hipsters do. Maybe we're cynical towards others, but it makes us happier with ourselves."

[Mizagium]

Cassandra had to laugh. She wasn't sure why, but she did. "Maybe you're right...uh...Hipster Girl." She clenched her fist, snuffing the triple lights. "But...is it too much to ask to be something other than "Prince Johnny's Girlfriend"? I...I think I'd rather be completely unknown, as opposed to that--if I had the choice."

She forgot whatever else it was she had to say, horrified and upset by the word she had spoken.

[Razgat]

Edie laid her head back against the wall and sighed. "I don't know why you bother with what anyone else thinks, but if you want an identity, then make one. You don't have to be what anyone tells you to be, you don't have to follow their rules, and you don't need to abide by their standards." She reached into her pocket and pulled out an apple. "You see this apple? This apple is a golden delicious because it's soft and sweet, bug maybe it doesn't want to be a golden delicious. Maybe it wants to run with the Granny Smiths, but nooo, this apple isn't good enough for them, so it's just left out with no one to turn to. It's not welcome in any other groups. Well, maybe it doesn't want to be an apple at all. Maybe it wants to be a pear. What's wrong with wanting to be a fucking pear?! I'm different God damnit!"

The apple was now smushed in Edie's hand. She shook it off and sheepishly wiped off the juice. "Whoops, got a little personal there. Anyway, moral of the story is fuck them and do whatever the hell you want. If they're serious about this whole battle thing, then maybe you should go tag along. Make it your time to shine. Go find your identity."

[Monika]

Slowly but surely, the S.S. Veralice began moving at a reasonable pace thanks to the efforts of Aurora's crew. Or Blanche, since she's the only one who started rowing. As per her instructions, Aurora made her way to the steering wheel and started directing the ship. The S.S. Veralice was peculiarly responsive for a giant sea vessel; if Aurora turned the steering wheel a centimeter to the right, the ship changed its course by a centimeter as well.

"Well, this isn't nearly as difficult as I imagined it would be," Aurora remarked. "Now, I just have to wait for the next step to show up on this piece of paper and we'll have this Scroll in no time!

As if on cue, the slip of paper fluttered up in front of Aurora's face, showing her the final instructions. Aurora read aloud, "Great work, Sis! You've proven that you can walk the walk, talk the talk and ship the ship. Alright, I made that last part of the expression up, but you get the point, I'm sure. Now, for the last thing you have to do...Are you ready?"

Aurora rolled her eyes. "Aarrgh...I be ready. Reveal yer next step."

The paper's words shifted around and Aurora read again. "Step 6: Good Luck, teehee." She raised an eyebrow. "Good luck? How the fiz is that supposed to get me to Special Land? Leon, what are you-"

The paper tore itself into a hundred tiny pieces, scattering itself into the waters around the S.S. Veralice. Each scrap of paper gained a fairly ominous dark blue glow as the air around Aurora and her crew became hazy, making navigation a distinct impossibility.

"Ooooh, no you don't, Leon. None of you tricks today!" Aurora took in a giant gulp of air before exhaling a powerful stream of wind, blowing away the fog that threatened their journey. Once it had finally been cleared, Aurora's jaw dropped. There was now a jagged, 20 foot tall iceberg where each piece of paper had fallen into the sea.

"Fiz."
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"William and his father were both great people," Artemis began, absently sweeping away more rubble. "They and their families suffered through many tragedies, most of which they believed to be a direct result of science. They both had such a passion and charisma that they were able to convince many of their contemporaries to believe in the dangers of science as well. They both studied magic at every possible opportunity and grew to be quite proficient with it." Artemis set the broom down and sighed. "William, however, never did achieve the magical prowess that his father had. He did not have the same aptitude as other notable sorcerers at the time, such as myself or Leon Veralice. I believe this led to a great deal of envy. That envy in turn led to anger and a constant sense of inadequacy. Shortly before killing his father, William brought me in as a member of C.O.M.A.S, probably to make up for those perceived inadequacies."

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Leon was now pacing around the courtroom, bored out of his mind. "So, am I still trying people, or...?"

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"Let's go get this temple run over with," Chancellor Awesome muttered, walking rather unenthusiastically in the direction of the location of Chill Land's Scroll of Science.

[Myrdraxxis]

"Iceberg ahead Captain!" Myrxxan felt the need to point out the obvious fact. Mostly just because he wanted to use that line.

"Yeah no." Konnig had apparently had enough bullshit for the day and promptly stood and conjured up a rather ridiculously generic and oversized bazooka.

Which he promptly blasted the iceberg with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"First!" Styx yelled as he charged at the portal. As he did so a slow beat had begun to build into he speaker/gauntlets he wore.

It began to grow louder and faster as Styx charged into the portal.

He appeared in a hallway, and upon glancing around confirmed that it was swarming with discobots. Styx grinned maniacally.

"FEEL THE DROP BITCHES."

And lo the bass did drop. Amplified by Styx tech, the booming music shook the hallway like an earthquake, sending the discobots flying and then hanging in midair. With the next loud beat, Styx slammed his arms downward and the discobots slammed into the floor, shattering.

[Calefrun]

CETIS raised his hand. "I mean, being tried was the whole reason I dimension hopped. I'm running a little low on time, though. Hioma's probably going to write me back over there within the next half hour, so we'll have to make this quick."

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Since nobody else felt inclined to chase the lobster-man escaping with a Scroll of Science, Zento sighed and momentarily disappeared. A scream could be heard relatively nearby, and he reappeared with the Scroll in hand. "Well that was a plot thread that went abso-fizzing-lutely nowhere." He picked up Cale and slung his cousin over his shoulder. "Well, let's get to that freaking temple already. I want to get this whole adventure over with. And soon." He began trudging after Chancellor Awesome.

[Mizagium]

Blanche had given up a long time ago. Now that the ship was moving towards an exploding glacier, she decided to kick back and relax on this boat ride to the Fallen Paradise. Except that wasn't a good idea because then the crew was staring at her. Reaching the nadir of caring, Blanche began savagely beating the other crew members.

"THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES!"

-----

GOLDBEZ FLEW THE ENTIRE PLOT AND CHARACTERS OF CHILL LAND TO THE RUINS OF THAT PLACE I MENTIONED A FEW WEEKS AGO. YOU KNOW. THAT PALINDROME PLACE. KASAWAWASAK. THAT WAS IT. PLEBES.

WITH A MIGHTY AND MANLY THRUST, HE PENETRATED THE WALLS SURROUNDING THE POTENTIALLY TREASURE-LADED INTERIOR.

"THAT METAPHOR GOT GROSS IN A HURRY," HE OBSERVED.

"QUITE," SNOWBEZ AGREED, HAVING SPONTANEOUSLY REFORMED. ACTUALLY IT WAS A DIFFERENT SNOWBEZ, SINCE THE SPHINX HAD DESTROYED THE OLD ONE, BUT YOU KNOW. CONSCIOUSNESS AND ALL THAT JAZZ.

"YOU, NON-TOTAL-JACK-FROST-RIPOFF. WHERE DOES THE SCROLL OF SCIENCE RESIDE?"

Llenchi kind of looked around and shrugged. "All I was told was that it was in these ruins. I assumed that-"

"NO MATTER." THE TWO 'BEZES STRUCK A POSE, PELVIC THRUSTED, LEAPED INTO THE AIR, AND FLEW FORWARD, STILL HOLDING THAT POST-THRUST POSE, CRASHING THROUGH SEVERAL WALLS AND DISAPPEARING INTO THE GLOOM.

"I...guess we're exploring?"

-----

Cassandra joined the group in the portals--and the ensuing battle on the other side. What discobots hadn't been affected by the bass drop were all sort of standing there, confused. That was her chance. Light flared into her hands and she notched two arrows. They lanced out and struck two bots, exploding their heads in the most dazzling light show imaginable.

"Pretty cool," Ollie said with a smirk. "Bet mine's better!" She rushed past, ducked down low, and delivered a sharp uppercut to the nearest 'bot. Bright fireworks erupted from every nook and cranny, until the whole thing burst so bright, she had to cover her eyes.

Knox and Mara Lee followed suit, but decided to hang back, for they would get their turn to shine in their respective Adventure stories.

"Is it alright to lean so heavily on the fourth wall?" Mara Lee asked, which might have been her second or third time.

"Eh," Knox responded. "It's reminding the readers that said Adventures still exist, so it's probably fine."

Meanwhile, the Discobots were becoming increasingly disturbed with how savagely their kin were being massacred.

-----

Sarah frowned. "So William was living in his father's shadow his entire life?"