Awesome Land!: An Interactive Story [archive]

[Mizagium]

DAMMIT, THAT WAS A CUE TO STOP THE FIGHT. FINE, I'LL DO IT.

The cartoony smoke cloud cleared to reveal that neither combatant was harmed, or tired, in the least. Their equivalent power levels (do NOT say "over 9000") cancelled each other out, and their equivalent disregard for the laws of nature and physics allowed for neither to be tired. Further demonstrating their love of defying what should be gravity, both Narrator and Johnny proceeded to hover up to the next floor of the palace, passing through the floor/ceiling separating them from Veralice.

"Let's not defy physics anymore," Narrator said. "We might just BLOW SOMEONE'S MIND."

[Mizagium]

When Veralice reached the floor above, he saw a middle sized man searching through several of his treasure chests that were so conveinently placed around his fortress.
"I hope you don't intend on opening that, young man. It's been trapped with a poisonous disease that will eat the flesh off your bones."
Amarillo Slim, knowledgable of his resistance, threw off his hood and turned to look at Veralice with a grin on his face. Saying, "That's better than i was hoping for, actually," he flung open the chest and was sprayed in the face with a sickly blue gas.
"What a waste," said Veralice, as he watched Amarillo's yellow body be consumed by the noxious gas. "I was surprised he made it this far."
What surprised Veralice even more was the appearance of Amarillo walking out of the gas without a scratch or cut on his body. He was holding a something long and shining, but Veralice was unable to discern what it was. "You underestimated me Veralice. I'm not just some thief." And swinging the stolen Masamune high into the air, he sliced a hole in the fortress wall to his right.
Veralice, now dumbstruck, could do nothing but watch as the cloaked figure disappeared into the darkness engulfing his fortress.
Amarillo Slim has entered the fight...

[Mizagium]

*McJimmy quickly stops picking his nose and senses a disturbance.*

"OMG IT'S JOHNNY! Where is he? He needs to be working for meh!"

*McJimmy runs to Veralice's castle and climbs up the stairs*

"Out of my way Veralice!"

*McJimmy searches for Johnny, and hopes to find him in one of the dull looking treasure chests*

"Maybe my Johnny is in here!?!"

*McJimmy opens the chest and blue poop gas sprays on his face*

"Oh my god my face!?!"

*McJimmy slowly falls to the ground at 10 m/s^2*

"Oh noes"

[Mizagium]

Amarillo stepped through the hole in the castle wall and gazed down the 9002 stories to the ground. Feeling empowered by the strength embued in the sword, he began to take a step off the lip of the building...


...until he heard a noise behind him. Quickly, he executed a physics-defying backflip that should have pushed him over the edge but instead put him a story up. He looked down to where he came from and saw the glint of a large metal object with a mustasche...

[Mizagium]

There was Derp-bot, standing right where Amarillo had just been standing! Derp-bot had been hiding in the treasure room, somehow disguised as one of the treasure chests with a completely inconspicuous purple handle and orange lid among the hundreds of plain, dull, black treasure chests. He noticed McJimmy falling to the ground at an impossibly fast accelerating velocity that should have caused him to fall below the ground within one second. He hurried over to the old man, only to realize that the blue poop gas had stopped spraying and McJimmy was still writhing on the ground, making his own sound effects.
"Derp derp derp duuuuuuuurp," Derp-bot said. McJimmy remained on the ground, still making ridiculous noises to imitate the reality of his doom.

[Mizagium]

This has gone on far enough! thought Veralice, who was sick of the commotion and chaos that had ensued after his bringing Johnny inside. His plan seemed to have backfired, and so he went to his auxiliary plan. Veralice went to the 9001st floor of the palace, where a large crate covered with a large blanket stood. Climbing on top of the crate, Veralice yelled "Attention all! Who among you here is the most powerful?"

[Mizagium]

Johnny obviously yelled his name. "I am! Everyone else here is just JEALOUS of my good looks!"
Johnny tore his shirt (which was weird because he had already torn off his shirt earlier) and struck a sexy pose.

[Mizagium]

McJimmy, whose face was mashed into the ground, lifted up his hand and said in a dirt muffled voice,

"I am the most powerful!!..!.."

*McJimmy's hand plopped to the ground before he could hear any response*

[Mizagium]

"DUUUURP!!" cried Derp-bot, flipping his flowing turban into what should have been the nonexistent breeze.

"NO!!" yelled an unknown voice from an unseen figure. A trumpet sounded in the background, playing stereotypical heroic music as a tall figure in a black cloak with a silver trumpet on the back appeared swinging on a rope from the roof. "I, the Trumpet Hero, Cha Cha, am the most powerful," the figure declared as he landed behind Johnny, startling him, almost scaring him out of his wits.

[Mizagium]

"Idk, my bff Rose?" Narrator declared, as he heroically stepped to the front of the room. Not willing to be outstaged by Johnny, he tore off both his shirt and pants, to reveal...clothes. Narrator was wearing a leisure suit under whatever he was wearing before.

Narrator then unleashed this wisdom on the crowd before him: "Life is like a stack of pancakes, and power is the syrup. You can be as powerful as you want, but do you really want too much power? If you have too much, your pancakes will get all soggy and nasty, especially the bottom pancake. You need to find that amount of power where your pancake-to-syrup ratio is at peace with itself and you don't disrupt the universe, creating a massive black hole that would destroy us all."

Once the pearls of wisdom finished flowing from the glorious orifice that is Narrator's face-hole, he proceeded to say, "Anyways, I'm the best. Just look at these guns." As he said this, Narrator pulled out two 19th century cannons, with the tweak of being self-loading super cannons that are ready to fire 3.1419 seconds after delivering their awesome payload. What is this payload, you might ask? The cannons were loaded with pure X/0.

Holding a cannon in each hand, a miraculous feat of anti-physics that almost rivaled the feat of having the cannons in the pockets of his leisure suit, Narrator spoke. "Nobody move or I'll DIVIDE BY ZERO ALL OVER THIS TOWER." That's right, Narrator was going to create a massive black hole that would destroy them all despite his pancake lecture given not one minute before.

"NOW, GIVE ME ALL THE...wait. What DO I want?" Narrator pondered this, while still brandishing his cannons.

[Mizagium]

"No one cares!" Johnny yelled at him, waving the Ugly Stick at him. "But I want MAH KANDIEZ!" He began to point at everyone standing around. "All of you are just here to steal my good looks and mah kandiez!"

[Mizagium]

No one had yet noticed Amarillo Slim in the shadows. And no one would notice him. He just stood there in his badass black cloak with his massive sword somehow hidden under it. He didn't move; he barely breathed; and no one knew he was there.

As everyone kept claiming they were the best, Amarillo just sat and watched. There was honestly no disputing this. He was the best and he knew it and that's all that matters.

[Mizagium]

Narrator, finished with his contemplation, once again drew attention to the fact that he was brandishing two Civil War era cannons loaded with divided-by-zero. "Alright, I know what I want." Suspense gripped everyone in the room except for Johnny, who has down syndrome.

"I want...an sammich," Narrator stated in a stately way. "Not just any sammich, but a good sammich. It will be a sammich...of kandiez. GIMME THA' KANDIEZ."

Then, distracted by his own sugar addiction, Narrator dropped his cannons, causing them to fire their deadly payload. Kittens flew from the cannons. They were kitten cannons. Narrator had accidentally loaded his cannons with kittens.

"Oh, dag, I put the kittens in the cannons? That means I gave those orphans..." Narrator realized this just as an orphanage was mysteriously wiped off the face of the Earth/Awesome Land.

"Whatever, I don't care. I still want my kandiez sammich," said Narrator, presenting his ultimatum.

[Mizagium]

Wow. These people are worthless thought Amarillo. But those Kandiez do look pretty good...

Without any further contemplation, Amarillo rushed out from his cover in the shadows and swung Masamune at Derp-bot, knowing he was the last to 'hold' the kandiez. Catching him off guard, Masamune sliced a massive hole in Derp-bot's 'stomach', where he had put the kandiez. The kandiez came spilling out of Derp-bot as Derp-bot went flying backwards into a wall, where he lay 'unconscious'. Amarillo grabbed as much kandiez as he could and flew up to the next floor (because there was another random hole in the ceiling). Now looking down upon the mass chaos that had ensued the finding of the kandiez, Amarillo spoke and was heard. "The kandiez i have claimed are mine; there is no disputing that. The rest are yours to fight over." And with that, he was gone.

[Mizagium]

Everyone stood dumbstruck. No one really saw what happened. They most they had seen was a yellow blur swoop down and PWN Derpbot, mutter something about kandiez, then jump back up to the next floor.

Johnny stamped his foot and yelled, "Hey you! You just took MAH KANDIEZ!!!!!11111one11!!won" He waved his Ugly Stick menacingly (or best he could and still look sexy)

Johnny ran for the stairs because he doesn't have Amarillo's physics defying jump ability. "Imma gonna hitchu wit MAH UGLY STICK!!!!"

[Mizagium]

Narrator was baffled. "This is kandiez? I thought kandiez meant obscene amounts of incredibly attractive lady-types. Oh well..." Narrator decided to wait and see what happened. He left his cannons where he dropped them and walked off to who know's where, also known as the corner of the room. He didn't need his cannons, for he had many more ridiculous and impossible tricks in his magic leisure suit pockets. REGGIN PLEASE, OF COURSE HE'S GOT FALCON PUNCH IN THAR.

[Mizagium]

What an...intriguing cast of characters we have here... thought Veralice, who was deeply confused about this war over the kandiez. "It matters not..." he muttered to himself.

"Now that things seem to be slightly less chaotic around here, let me redirect your attention to the giant box I'm standing on." Veralice yelled to anyone who hadn't gone crazy. He jumped down from the immensely tall box and thrust his blade, Hystoger, into a key shaped slot on the box, which opened soon afterward. A strange, reptilian creature's silhouette could be seen from within the box.

[Mizagium]

"This creature was born from dark energy and long division. I call him the Rabid Intelligent Dragon Led to Eliminate You, or 'RIDLEY' for short. Now, you all have defaced my palace long enough. Those of you equipped enough to take down my pet will escape with your lives and all the kandiez you can carry. The rest of you..." Veralice trailed off. He threw kandiez toward the box where RIDLEY was stored. A huge flame came from the box, roasting the kandiez into ash.

"Hahaha. Without any more of this waiting, RIDLEY, attack!" Veralice yelled, throwing kandiez all across the floor below to give RIDLEY something to target. RIDLEY immediately flew from the box and soared to the bottom of the palace, breathing flames toward anyone next to the kandiez.

[Mizagium]

The kandiez scattered all over the ground. The first target RIDLEY saw was Derp-bot, still laying "unconscious" by the wall. RIDLEY snorted smoke and darted straight for Derp-bot.
Just as RIDLEY was about to shoot a stream of fire at Derp-bot, Derp-bot rebooted, fixed his turban, and rolled out of the way, causing RIDLEY to crash into the wall in a burst of flames.
"DERP DERP DERP DERP!!" he yelled, roughly translated to "Imma chargin mah lazars!!"
As the fire disappeared, the warriors in the castle realized that RIDLEY had crashed, not only into the wall, but through it.
"Wow," said Cha Cha. "This is just about the weakest castle I've ever seen." He shrugged, and ran to the hole in the wall and looked down. He saw nothing but pure terror: 9001 floors of empty air. A fall from this height would kill any normal person. Fortunately, none of these warriors were normal. Cha Cha looked up and saw RIDLEY circling above them. Cha Cha jumped down the 9001 floors of terror, creating an atmosphere of awe and suspense as the remaining warriors watched him plummet to the ground.
Cha Cha drew his cloak around him, and the cloak began to glow. The silver trumpet on the back turned gold as the silver seemed to bleed into the rest of the cloak, overtaking the original black. He landed without a sound, and there was a flash, and, suddenly, there was a whoosh! of air as a bright silver object streaked up into the air. The silver object flashed around RIDLEY so quickly nobody could tell what it was. Then, out of nowhere came a loud screech. RIDLEY wailed as the screeching continued. RIDLEY dive-bombed to the 9002nd floor where the others were. RIDLEY scrambled onto the roof of the castle and covered his ear slits with his wings. The screeching continued. Everyone was getting massive migraines. Then, the unthinkable happened: the screeching got louder and even higher pitched. The silver object flashed down to the roof and the screeching stopped. There, in front of them, was a shining silver trumpet about 6 feet tall with a gold-rimmed bell and gold valves. The trumpet hovered above the ground, the bell still aimed carefully at RIDLEY as the dragon began to recover from the triple high C (Supersonic C). Everyone looked at RIDLEY, and they noticed that frost had begun to collect on RIDLEY, and bits of his wings were trapped in ice blocks. The point when the screech had gone higher was when Supersonic C turned into HYPER FREEZE C (quadruple high C)!!!!
Now RIDLEY was fulling recovered from the ear shattering screamer notes from Cha Cha in his Trumpet Hero form, and he blew fire onto the ground. The flames engulfed him, and, when the fire cleared up, RIDLEY was in the air again, sparks trailing from his tail.

[Mizagium]

While RIDLEY charged toward Derpbot, Johnny stealthily (not reall) made his way to the scattered kandiez. He reached for the first piece but quickley drew his hand back as a blst of fire charred the delicious piece of kandie. "Hey!" Johnny yelled "You just burned MAH KANDIEZ!"

Before Johnny could threaten him with the Ugly Stick, RIDLEY crashed through the wall. He was followed by Cha Cha. He and the others watched their EPIC battle from the 9001st story of Veralice's tower. From this height, Cha Cha's Hyper Freeze C did not affect them.

RIDLEY flew up and away from Cha Cha and his annoyingly high-pitched trumpet. Johnny saw his opportunity. As RIDLEY flew up to the 9001st floor Johnny leaped onto his back, swinging the Ugly Stick.