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Post by Mizagium on May 2, 2011 18:48:22 GMT -5
then I accomplished what I set out to do
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on May 2, 2011 20:12:16 GMT -5
gloriously
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Post by Mizagium on May 2, 2011 20:14:47 GMT -5
as you may or may not have guess, I don't let characters go that easily. So Spyro is basically here to stay.
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Post by TEAM_DERRICK on May 3, 2011 15:56:06 GMT -5
YESSSSSSSS
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Post by Mizagium on Jul 8, 2011 0:39:15 GMT -5
Here's what I got so far
~~~~~~~~
It was actually a rare, peaceful day in Tokyo-3. No Angels were busy destroying the city for no discernable reason. No Evas were busy destroying the city for no discernable reason. Only three buildings had been taken down by Sarge since dawn. Seele was not in session (and therefore not almost accidentally revealing their existence) and the Committee for Human Instrumentality was up to their eyeballs (Brute’s eyeballs) in paperwork for all the wanton destruction. The United Nations was enjoying being a superpower.
Yep everything was…boring.
-
So anyway out in the city a small rift in the fabric of reality occurred. A rift so small that hardly anyone noticed. Well, except that one guy who happened to be too close to the rift as it opened. He got pulled in and was never heard from again. But with Angels, Evangelions, and Sarge, one person missing wasn’t going to show up on anyone’s radar. In any case, when the rift closed, it left behind a mask. It was just sitting there, waiting to be picked up and put on. Just waiting…waiting…waiting…until finally some schmo walked by and picked up the mask. Now, see, I wasn’t there when this happened, so I can’t relay exactly what he said at the time, but I guess it went something like this.
“Oh holy shit a free mask! I should pick this up and put it on before someone else does! Lolololololol I’m such a dumbass!”
I don’t know; I’m not a doctor.
Whatever he said, the idiot put the mask on. Maybe it promised him candy that it had in the van around the corner. As soon as the unholy metal touched his face, he was possessed by an evil force. The power flowed all around him, clothing him in armor from head to foot, and draping over that armor a red cape. Because capes are cool.
The figure got unsteadily to its feet and stretched. Thousands of years of imprisonment will do that to a fellow. Beneath the mask, he smiled.
“For your entertainment, Jack... is...BACK.” He summoned the Sword of Aeons and gave it a few test swings. “Jolly good.”
Did I say evil? I meant badass.
Jack of Blades gave the city a cursory once-over. “Curious. This doesn’t seem to be Albion, but then the Void does connect to an infinite number of parallel dimensions, so I suppose I should be grateful that I ended up in a habitable universe, eh?” After all, there was no reason that he couldn’t create a cult that worshipped him in this universe, right? Damn straight!
“Now, let’s see, my mind is a bit muddled from interdimensional travel and possessing an inferior mortal, so I can’t quite remember what I wanted to do. Luckily, I wrote down the steps to world domination.” He shook his head. “And just who the devil am I talking to?”
His notes took the form of a clipboard with elegant, flowing script on the front piece of paper.
“Step 1: Summon a dragon.” He blinked. “That’s step one? Really? Well, alright. The clipboard says so.”
He took the Sword of Aeons in hand and jammed it into the space between dimensions, opening a portal to a universe where dragons existed.
-
Elsewhere…
It was a rainy day in the Artisan Relam, and a young, purple dragon was busy chasing sheep around. You know, because dragons eat sheep. “Is this rain ever going to stop?” he asked his dragonfly companion. “I’ve forgotten what the sun looks like. We should go on vacation: somewhere warm, somewhere sunny.”
He spied a portal just over the hill.
“Dragon Shores! Yeah, I haven’t been there since we kicked Gnasty Gnorc’s butt. How ‘bout it, Sparx, you up for a vacation?”
The dragonfly zoomed off, as if saying “Of course, you dumbass.”
“Last one there’s a Gnorc!” And the two companions dived headfirst into the portal.
-
Jack hmphed as the tiny purple form tumbled out of his dimensional rift.
“Hi! Which way to the…beach?”
Jack stared. Hard.
“What? You’ve never seen a dragon before?”
“Oh, I’ve seen dragons,” Jack replied. “Huge, ferocious creatures, with wingspans that block out the sky, claws the can rend mountains, and fire that makes the sun seem like an oil-lamp by comparison. I have ridden such ferocious beings and conquered entire civilizations – and then slaughtered them at my leisure. You, my pint-sized reptile, are no dragon.”
“Am so! Sparx and I defeated Gnasty Gnorc and his army and freed all of the adult dragons from imprisonment.”
Jack massaged his temples. “Ok. Let’s assume you are a dragon. Can you breathe fire?”
“Duh.” He inhaled deeply (already a red flag in Jack’s mind; dragons shouldn’t need to do that) and expelled a cone of fire about three feet in front of him.
“That was awful. I can make better fire with magic. In my sleep.” He sighed. “Can you fly?”
“Well, I can glide.”
“What.”
“If I get a running start, I can glide.”
Jack facepalmed. The dimensional rift sealed up with a belching sound. “I hate this, but I guess you’ll have to do.” Reluctantly, he crossed Step 1 off of the list. There weren’t any more steps after that one. His plans began and ended at dragons. Because dragons are fucking awesome. Except this one. This one was sickeningly adorable.
“Delightful. Follow me, would you?” They started off in a random direction. “Tell me, tiny flying reptile, what do they call you?”
“Spyro. And the dragonfly is Sparx.”
“Lovely. I’ll call you whatever I bloody well please. I am Jack of Blades. You may call me Jack.”
“Uh huh. So, Jack, why did you bring me here?”
Jack uttered something between a sigh and a growl. “I didn’t summon you, but if you must know, I need your help to conquer the world.”
“Finally, someone recognizes my talents,” Spyro exclaimed.
“You haven’t listened to a word I said, have you?”
“You’re damn right I am! Let’s do this.”
“At least you have the correct mindset. Maybe I won’t disembowel you and divine the future from your entrails whilst simultaneously bathing in your blood. At least not for a while.”
-
Meanwhile in the world of Avalar…
Ripto conquered everything. The end.
-
That’s when Nerv’s alarms started going off. Entire walls filled up with ALERT hexagons. Big, flashing, three-dimensional ALERT hexagons. Like the kind that takes years to develop to get the graphics to look just right. The kind that sucks away the entire rest of the budget so that nothing else in the damn fascility works properly. Ever. You know the kind.
Then I leaned forward and stared deeply into your eyes – into your very soul – and for that brief instant, we connected on a level that cannot be put into words. It was sort of like sex, but telepathic. And weird. Actually I guess it can be put into words. Then I broke the contact before it got any worse. Moments later, you realize you now truly understand the meaning of “mind fuck”. And you wish you could return to time before that, to when your consciousness was still unsullied. Unfortunately for you, no such time exists anymore. For I now exist in your past, present, and future. No place you go is safe. I will always be with you. Remember that time you saw a hobo? That was me. It was always me. It will always be me.
Always.
Yuan sighed under the blinding red light of hundreds of budget-draining ALERT signs. It was going to be one of those days – by which he meant EVERY DAY HE WORKED AT NERV. Sometimes he had dreams of a time before Nerv. Or even after. They always seemed like a decent JRPG. Only he was the villain…he thought. Sometimes it was hard to tell.
“What should be do about this, sir?” He groaned inwardly, despairing over what Kratos might say.
He almost didn’t look when he heard the crashes, but habit (and, though he was loathe to admit it, a bit of morbid curiosity) forced him to turn. Kratos has thrown everything on his desk – except his name plate, which appeared to be bolted to the desk now (Yuan dreaded the next time he decided to add a title to his name). Evidently, Kratos had carved what appeared to be a pie chart of different methods to deal with a situation. Using his sword as a pointer, the Supreme Commander of Nerv spun the wheel of fate.
Yuan didn’t get a good look, but he was certain one of the options was “Murder the innocent”.
No. Couldn’t have been
(It was).
Luckly, the sword didn’t land on that one. Instead it came to an excruciatingly slow stop on “Do nothing” after narrowly avoiding “Just give up”. Kratos shrugged and sat back in his chair, propped his feet up – and fell asleep.
All the alarms fell silent and everyone returned to their work uneasily. Yuan proceeded to beat his head against the wall.
-
Jack of Blades let out a long, tired sigh. This dragon was turning out to be a handful. And not for the usually reasons a dragon might be a handful. Except for the haphazard expulsion of feces – that was the same. He was like a goddamn monkey except that he couldn’t throw it. I mean seriously. Dig a trench or something. Goddamn.
His latest migraine was caused when Spyro had attempted to show off his headbutt. Needless to say, the birdbath remained as still as, well, a marble birdbath.
“Enough,” Jack declared, noticing the dragonfly, Sparx, had changed from yellow to blue. Odd. “Walk with me, young reptilian creature.”
“What’s up, Jackie?”
“Never call me that. Look. Things just aren’t working out between us.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you can’t fly, you can’t breathe fire, you apparently have no real strength in your bones, and quite frankly you’re adorable. Dragons are never supposed to be adorable. They need to be massive and ferocious, capable of razing an entire kingdom to ash in one day.”
“How big?”
“Excuse me?”
“How big a kingdom? Like England, or France, you know.”
“Hm. Well, France is a Republic now, so we can’t use that. England – well that sank. I’d say an area about the size of New Jersey.”
Spyro considered this. “Should I burn New Jersy?”
Jack chuckled. “Oh no, they have enough problems. Sending them a dragon would be insulting. Rude, even. I might a manipulative evil manifestation of evil spawned from the darkest depth of the Void – but I have manners you know.”
“Sooo…” Spyro said slowly. “What’re we gonna do?”
Jack stopped, facing away from the tiny purple dragon. “I’m afraid the only course of action is for me to rend your head from your neck, dismember your remaining limbs, slice open your belly from neck to groin, eviscerate you – that is to say, spill your entrails upon the pavement – and devour your soul.” He spun around, the Sword of Aeons poised like an executioner’s axe. “Any last words?”
But Spyro never got the chance, for at that moment, a blue 1981 Alpine Renault A310 slammed into the poor dragon and carried him several hundred feet before the driver hit the brakes, which sent him crashing back onto the pavement.
Jack stared. “Or you could get mangled by a drunken ninja woman’s car. I’ll have you know my way was less painful!” And he vanished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go nuts
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Post by Mizagium on Jul 10, 2011 22:16:37 GMT -5
When Lloyd, Presea, and Asuka got back from their sync test, the three non-pilots were already elbow-deep into a conversation (read: argument) on the difference between a dragon and a wyvern. Now, see, normally, Asuka would have thrown up her hands and walked away from them then and there, preferring not to deal with their rambling bullshit that inevitably would lead to destruction of public property, several arrests, and hurling vicious insults at an elderly florist. However, this was not one of those so-called normal times. Today, Asuka was intrigued.
“Did I hear something about a wyvern?” she asked, quickly sliding between Genis and Emil.
“Dragon,” Emil insisted.
“Aren’t we in Japan?” Martas asked…no one, I guess. “Wouldn’t it be a snake-like dragon? What is that a wyrm?”
Genis shook his head furiously. “No, no, no. Wyrm is a European term, so it couldn’t be applied to a dragon found in the East. Besides, it’s a – “
“It had four legs!” Emil shouted. “Four! That makes it a dragon, not a wyvern!”
“You never saw it, so how do you know?”
“Neither did you!”
“But I’m always right.” Genis folded his arms as if that closed the matter.
“Boys, boys,” Asuka soothed. “I know a way we can settle this dispute.” She stole one of Lloyd’s swords and shoved him to the floor. Raising the sword over her head, she placed a foot on his chest to keep him down. “Kill the beast!”
Apparently she has some Teutonic Knights in her ancestry.
~~~~~
Oh god that was rough and awful.
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Post by Myrdraxxis on Jul 10, 2011 22:23:14 GMT -5
kill the beast!
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Post by Mizagium on Jul 13, 2011 2:21:58 GMT -5
Once the dragon was patched up, everyone decided that it was probably best if Kratos never found out about it. Naturally, he did. It was his daily attempt to woo Raine Sage that brought him down to the medical ward. Right in the middle of “physically seducing” the good doctor, the tiny purple dragon poked his head around the corner. Ten minutes later, the two of them sat opposite one another in an interrogation room.
“Since when do we have an interrogation room?” Sheen asked Yuan as they watched from the other side of a two-way mirror.
“Since Kratos ordered it put in so he could interrogate people.”
“Terrorists?”
“No,” Yuan sighed. “Just…people. Random pedestrians. Old ladies, even.”
“Huh.”
Inside, Kratos laced his fingers. “If you come in peace, surrender,” he offered. “If you’re here to make war – we surrender.”
Sheena and Yuan facepalmed.
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Post by Mizagium on Jul 14, 2011 1:20:44 GMT -5
“Why are we crawling through the ductwork?” That sounded like Emil.
“Because shut up, that’s why!” Asuka thrust her leg backward and caught him right in the face.
“Why do you keep talking?” Genis asked. “It never goes well for you.”
“Yeah,” Emil agreed. “I really should know better by now.
“Can I have my swords back?” Lloyd complained from behind Genis. “I feel naked without them.”
“You can have them back after we kill the beast,” Asuka insisted for the hundredth time. “And only if I feel like it. Who knows, I might decide that I like them better.”
“Awwwww.”
“No whining, worm!” She kicked Emil in the face, who kicked Genis in the face, who kicked Lloyd in the face. Hard. The half-elf was not about to take Lloyd’s punishment without some kind of satisfaction. Meanwhile, Marta trailed behind, deciding if it was too late to avoid getting caught up in any further shenanigans. It was, but she had to hope. Besides, if she looked at just the right angle, she could sort of see Emil’s butt.
Asuka stopped over a vent and peered through the space between the bars. “This is it, boys – and Marta – this is what we’ve been training for.”
“Training?” Genis snorted. “You mean chasing Lloyd around the cafeteria for ten minutes?”
“No talk-back!” Genis got a face full of Emil’s foot, courtesy of Asuka. He kicked Lloyd. Just because.
Asuka braced herself –
-
Sheena and Yuan were about ready to die. Kratos had been in “negotiations” now for about ten minutes, and already he had surrendered to the dragon, as well as every employee’s bank accounts, and Unit 00. And the dragon had not uttered a single word. Well, that’s not entirely true. He had tried to talk, but Kratos took that as a sign of its displeasure – and that’s when he offered up Unit 00.
Mercifully, the ventilation cover was kicked down and Asuka followed, brandishing Lloyd’s swords. He and the other tumbled down seconds later. She crossed the swords over her head in an X formation and shouted, “KILL THE BEAST!”
When Sheena glanced over, Yuan was gone.
Kratos abruptly stood from his seat and drew his sword. “You shall not harm this creature – he is under my protection until negotiations are finished!” He and Asuka met swords as Lloyd and Emil tackled the dragon – and then the three of them crashed through the two-way mirror and raced down the hallway.
Sheena blinked. “What.”
“I know, right,” remarked Marta, who was now standing at her side.
“I…I’m not hallucinating, right? All this is actually happening?”
“Asuka is fighting Kratos with Lloyd’s swords. Lloyd and Emil and struggling to hogtie that purple dragon as it races through Nerv. And Genis is busy attempting a blood ritual to smite this entire facility to rubble.”
Sheena surveyed the area, taking it all in.
“Huh.”
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